No I am very sure I don't want that. But every force keeps showing me that it is about to. The same thing that happened 4 years ago. Right now I am undergoing a major change in the way I feel about certain things. Its very scary. I had made a compromise, and thought that life would be tough - full of challenges all the time, and sort of accepted that as my destiny. But life is showing me different colors now. And I don't know what to do about it. Change my mind? Completely change the mindset I had built for myself in the past 4 years? I clearly don't want to do that. It would be too much for me to handle. And yes, I am trying here to think of just myself - not anyone else. Cuz that's what Ive always done, given others more importance. But for once, I just want to breathe without worrying, and let things happen. But is it wise to do that? Sometimes its dangerous to completely let go. I really want to do that, as its been a while I did this, bask in the feeling of bliss. Im not saying I haven't been happy in the recent times, but I haven't felt this bliss.
At the same time there is this heart-tearing worry...whats going to happen? Why is the future sooooo uncertain? For God's sake I want some assurance of certainty. I know life is always uncertain and you never know whats in store for you and all that. But really if you ask me, I think Ive had my fair share of uncertainty and Ive had enough of it. I need a break from this uncertainty. Just want to feel happy, live life as it comes. Its an amaaaaaazinggggg feeling to feel beautiful from inside. To feel just content, and to just feel like smiling all the time. Yes I know its upto ourselves to make ourselves happy. And I really honestly have tried a lot in the past few years to do that. Sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. But it was always an effort. The other kind of happiness is something you don't need to make an effort for. Its as easy as breathing. And right now I feel like I really deserve some of that. But the problem is, even if I try to let myself soak in this feeling, there is the worry of the uncertainty in my head. Why can't the cause of the uncertainty change to just make me feel effortlessly happy? Why does this ALWAYS happen? I tried sooooooo hard to not be selfish, to accpet everything, to adjust to everything, to seek happiness in everything. But I feel defeated right now. I feel like for a change I want to sit back and stop making an effort. Let the happiness come to me on its own, and flow with whatever comes my way...cuz I think somewhere inside, I know I deserve it.
But we aren't allowed to do that in life I guess. Cuz then there are consequences which have to be faced. Prevention better than cure and all of that! I just want to be led to the right path, just want to know my answers, Im tired of this. And no, I do not want history to repeat. I don't want these 4 years to go waste...I want it to work. But Im tired of trying...really...tired of this conflict.
Arrrghhhhh I don't think decisions in life should be this difficult. And I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is the matter and it better be sorted out soon...