Welcome to wherever you are...

Why?

2011-08-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

Whats the fault? Why can't happiness, genuine unselfish happiness for someone else cease to backfire? This time, what did I do? Why did you have snatch that feeling away from me again? It can't be that difficult...and there is really nothing much that I ask for. I am doing the right thing, taking the right decisions...then why do you keep testing my patience again and again? I also think Ive been passing each test. How much longer will you keep testing me? Do I not deserve a break? You seem to give me a teaser and then make it the same again. Seriously, I tried to look at everything positively...why can't you assure me that I have taken the right decision? And if it is not the right one, then show me the path. I know I need the assurance at a stretch continuously for it to sink in, and I also know its not too much to ask for...

Just please...want to settle down...from within...

History repeating itself?

2011-06-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

No I am very sure I don't want that. But every force keeps showing me that it is about to. The same thing that happened 4 years ago. Right now I am undergoing a major change in the way I feel about certain things. Its very scary. I had made a compromise, and thought that life would be tough - full of challenges all the time, and sort of accepted that as my destiny. But life is showing me different colors now. And I don't know what to do about it. Change my mind? Completely change the mindset I had built for myself in the past 4 years? I clearly don't want to do that. It would be too much for me to handle. And yes, I am trying here to think of just myself - not anyone else. Cuz that's what Ive always done, given others more importance. But for once, I just want to breathe without worrying, and let things happen. But is it wise to do that? Sometimes its dangerous to completely let go. I really want to do that, as its been a while I did this, bask in the feeling of bliss. Im not saying I haven't been happy in the recent times, but I haven't felt this bliss.

At the same time there is this heart-tearing worry...whats going to happen? Why is the future sooooo uncertain? For God's sake I want some assurance of certainty. I know life is always uncertain and you never know whats in store for you and all that. But really if you ask me, I think Ive had my fair share of uncertainty and Ive had enough of it. I need a break from this uncertainty. Just want to feel happy, live life as it comes. Its an amaaaaaazinggggg feeling to feel beautiful from inside. To feel just content, and to just feel like smiling all the time. Yes I know its upto ourselves to make ourselves happy. And I really honestly have tried a lot in the past few years to do that. Sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. But it was always an effort. The other kind of happiness is something you don't need to make an effort for. Its as easy as breathing. And right now I feel like I really deserve some of that. But the problem is, even if I try to let myself soak in this feeling, there is the worry of the uncertainty in my head. Why can't the cause of the uncertainty change to just make me feel effortlessly happy? Why does this ALWAYS happen? I tried sooooooo hard to not be selfish, to accpet everything, to adjust to everything, to seek happiness in everything. But I feel defeated right now. I feel like for a change I want to sit back and stop making an effort. Let the happiness come to me on its own, and flow with whatever comes my way...cuz I think somewhere inside, I know I deserve it.

But we aren't allowed to do that in life I guess. Cuz then there are consequences which have to be faced. Prevention better than cure and all of that! I just want to be led to the right path, just want to know my answers, Im tired of this. And no, I do not want history to repeat. I don't want these 4 years to go waste...I want it to work. But Im tired of trying...really...tired of this conflict.

Arrrghhhhh I don't think decisions in life should be this difficult. And I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is the matter and it better be sorted out soon...

Holiday Blues

2011-05-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

Sounds kinda odd doesn't it? What exactly do holiday blues signify? Blues in yearning for a holiday or blues due to a holiday? Well in my case right now its the latter. Haven't EVER felt this way - getting sick of a holiday feeling!! I mean I love fun, I love vacations...I would always just want vacation!! But today feels different. Had a good weekend full of events, but I am tired now. There was always an unrest about what to plan next, always some event or another. Its summer time, Yay!! But it still is full fledged work time for me. I mean I would be taking a real holiday in a month's time. Maybe that's why having a festive atmosphere at home ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts. Yes its fun, but I feel like I am craving for a routine now. Its funny, never felt this way before. Maybe its a part of growing up...maybe you automatically fall into the disciplinary prioritization mode at a certain phase. Maybe what I used to wonder about settled families as to HOW they can be so organized and follow such a disciplined lifestyle makes some sense now. Its nice though, experiencing this kind of a feeling. Somewhat settling...

Today is better than Yesterday...but, really?

2011-05-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

This post is very dear to me...made me realise the difference between writing for yourself and writing for others...

Wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to travel time? Well, in some sense we do, right? A Déjà vu, a coincidental familiarity, a fragrance, a behavior, a face, a body language, a color, an attire, an attitude, a tune, a photograph, some words, and most often, the work of an idle mind's perhaps devilish workshop. Just a trigger and our mind in all its capabilities has raced back in History, reminiscing 'the erstwhile'...

A close friend would often very rightly say, "The past always seems beautiful" during moments of bitter complaining about the current situation. Ever wondered why? Come to think of it, everyone equipped with logic would agree that the bygones seem rosy only in the context of a comparison. However in spite of this knowledge, we still like to take a leap in time and sit on a comfortable couch, viewing the events of the past on a huge LCD monitor of our minds, even if it makes us cry! Is it even worth it? Knowing that we will perhaps yearn for this present moment in the future, we still don't live in the present. All preachings and philosophies point towards the same direction - that of living in the moment, living every day as it comes, living for the present and not the past or the future. But then again, since when did the mind follow the simpler path? It has to be convoluted, something like the strong tendency of this universe to achieve the highest degree of entropy. Geeky, yes, but true! So why not forget about correcting or protecting ourselves from the complications of the mind for a while and marvel the natural penchant of this beautiful and unfathomable part of us?

I guess a considerable part of the person I am is defined by how much I live in yesterday. So much so that one moment I'm arguing with my mom on how much luggage she is carrying, and within a second crying over how I would miss every moment with her tomorrow. I mean that's not even nostalgia, that's preparing for nostalgia! Even though most often it makes me yearn for those moments and dream away rather than doing something productive, I still treasure the 'vintage goodness' associated with the feeling. For a modest contribution by what words can describe, I present to you a memoir of my favorite station in a journey to the past - that of the merlion city, the 'fine' city, Singa land, or how locals call it, Singapura!

Four years, or perhaps a lifetime. Seems like I didn't have enough of my first home away from home. Be it the extreme humid conditions or the bliss in riding MRT trains, any mention of this country brings a smile on my face and a dream in my eyes - a dream to go back there, to walk those streets of NUS again where I spent four years growing up. And literally growing up - from a 20 year old fresh out of the comforts of home, to a much hardened and seasoned person. Oh how I miss taking the twisted route every afternoon from Chemical Biology through the overhead bridge to Chemistry and then taking the elevator, crossing the NMR facility, and walking in the sun to reach Spinelli, its Cookie Spin waiting for me to be bought and relished...the evening snacking on spring rolls and veg paus along with Avocado milkshakes or Vegetarian Pesto in Megabites...the late nights in Kim lab and strolling on the extremely narrow and suicidal(!) balconies of the sixth floor labs in DBS, the 24-hour Cheese Prata and Dadi's shops feeding us hungry grad students middle of the night...the huge cup of Iced Milo and Bee Hoon along with Kaya bread in Jumbo cafe, near Block 21 Dover Crescent, a very important place in my life...bus no. 188 going to Harbor Front, where I would get off, cross the road and get into vivo city, the then biggest mall in Singapore, bus no. 33 taking me to China town, where I would get off at Pagoda Street and buy souvenirs for home...the road from Changi airport to home, where every tree would have its branches bent in the exact same angle along with every other artificial arrangement in the country (something I would bicker about all the time)...the bike path along the canal at the end of Clementi Avenue 4 where I had spent hours biking back and forth...the feeling of home on entering Kent Vale apartments, where I spent two years staying with my family...the walk from lab to Dover Road...the paranthas and gobi dinners at Dover aunty's shop...hours at Prof. Kim's place with Momo and Appukuttan...Starhub outlets...Ashish's laptop and blasting music...Roopsha's smiling face...Priya's home-cooked food...Anand's characteristic walk...the Karthik-Aysh-Gauri-Prasanna-Sheela group...the Graduate Congress dance practises...Lecture Theatre 20...the festive Bazaars in the canteens...Unmesh and our cups of chai...Suni-Suja...NUS Co-op...NUH canteen on days when Science canteen was closed...hair rebonding at Clementi...the bench outside Kim lab...50 cents coffee or coke...West Coast Park...Rangoli restaurant spelt as RangOOli...Shubhendro Chatterjee...Jade theatre for Hindi movies...Ray...a ray of hope...

<...trailing off...>

...a ray of hope...of reliving those moments, of going back there, and expecting EVERYTHING to be the same..and suddenly Mr. Reality knocks on your forehead waking you up from this bliss shouting, the only thing that is constant is change, don't forget that! All this is over...it can NEVER come back...even if I go back (which I am very soon by the way, so Singa-lings, prepare to party!!), the only thing that would be the same would be my mind and its memories. The people, the places, the activities...would have all moved on, even the buildings would bold out the words 'GUEST' as I enter them. I wouldn't belong there anymore, I would just be a visitor, making a visit - to the past. But...here is the catch - if we were really visiting the past, we would be traveling time, and that, to date, has not been achieved as possible. So are these experiences lost forever? Each and every minute of our life that goes by, do we lose them once and for all?

The answer, as you all would have intuitively guessed, is - nostalgia, a permanent possession, something no one can snatch away, and something no one can describe...just like the utmost jumbled-up likes of a paragraph I wrote in an attempt to present a memoir from my book of nostalgias. I'm sorry that the words above made no sense, they perhaps would seem unconnected even to the ones familiar with the terms, but that's my point. With all due respect to the heroes married to writing, and utmost acknowledgement towards the patient and considerate readers, I would say that the intricate beauty of the journey our minds take us through can NEVER be made justice to by the grandest of words or phrases, no matter how avid a writer one is. Not claiming to be anywhere close to an amateur in this field, I sign off, leaving you wonderful readers with a question for yourselves...Yes, sometimes living in the past is painful, but is it worth pushing away every reminiscence of your experiences in an attempt to live in the present and be happy? In the process, you may lose not only a possible new interpretation of your past that will help you grow, but also the only fossil of an experience that can never repeat itself in your life. Sometimes, dwelling in yesterday with its complete package of the good and the bad might have a secret role to play in shaping your present and future. Think about it :)

Rain Rain DON'T go away!!

2011-03-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how sometimes you feel like your prayers are being answered, when you feel the presence of the invisible one...
Last night was a bad one, for no reason. I'd say just cyclical. I found myself crying for all the little problems I have in life due to no trigger at all. And it was real crying, consisting of fisting in the air and all that. And I knew its just biological, but couldn't prevent it. Anyway, thankfully it lasted just about 45 minutes after which I was exhausted but feeling better. It was then amidst the 'recovery period' that I was shown, through a webcam, the screaming skies of Singapore - trees madly swaying in the storm, thunder crackling the window panes. In spite of being separated by the virtual world, I could feel the weather there. And oh, I longed for it so much! Hoping that at least once I get to witness a rainy day here. I mean snow oh yes, there is tons of it, but rain, not so much. And I realised I missed the rain...
Exhausted, I fell asleep with the lights turned on, to wake up to a messy bed, and both phone and laptop discharged. It seemed like it was early morning, from the little light I could see through the creaks of the curtains. I felt surprised having woken up that early considering I slept so late. Until I see the time - 9.30 am. That definitely didn't feel like 9.30am! I pulled open my curtains and there to my delight was the street of Madison wet with pouring rain! Oh the same feeling, after ages...filled up my heart! I quickly cleaned up my room, and invited a close friend over who made coffee for me :D It felt amazing, sitting and looking up pottery pictures, talking about spending the summers painting, and much about my childhood which I so terribly miss. He left and I decided I'm going to make pakoras today...yummm...in the evening with chai! A surge of energy to work, which is evident hasn't been embarked upon yet :P and a hope that this lasts for a while...
As I sit by my window on my chair and write this, I see people walking by in raincoats or under umbrellas. The view is slightly different, as these are different people, not the same uncles and aunties I am familiar with, but nonetheless, at least the weather feels like home. Small pleasures in life :-) And I thank you for giving me this happiness, even for a while...:-)

Around her world in 3267 days...

2011-01-23T15:18:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...

Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.

However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?

Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...

D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to him in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...

The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...

Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...

D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...

After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.

There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.

She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.

And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...

To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...

Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...

A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -

1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be

2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.

3. Always give priority to what you think is right

4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours

5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist

6. No one loves you more than himself/herself

7. Life is black or white, single or committed.

8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT

9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS

10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one

11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way

12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you

13. Be yourself completely

14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you

15. Its good to be mean at times

16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.

17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.

18. Its good to swear sometimes.

19. No one is close to God.

20. Never let people trample your self esteem

21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.

22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.

23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.

24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT

25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...

Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!

AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED FEELINGS!!!!

Tracking a dot in the middle of the skies

2011-01-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

Flight trackers are such a blessing I must say. Thousands of flights are flying all over the skies everyday from one direction to another, all of them being tracked or traced, monitored etc. Sometimes these tracking sites throw out results like "Flight over large water body, so untrackable"....feels so weird.

But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.

But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is...

Sigh...one month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...

Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...

Mee,

BB

Crazy times

2010-10-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have practically no time to sit and breathe. Yet I felt like writing. Migrain attack Wednesday, night to finish problem set 5 Thursday, A sad demise of a dear one Friday , Lab and practise sessions Saturday-Sunday, Journal club presentation Monday, Lab meeting presentation Tuesday, Journal club presentation again Wednesday, Seminar presentation Thursday, Problem Set 6 due Friday, lab project lagging behind, dance choreography, music coordination, dance participations, making lab inventory, settling accounts, guilts of not keeping in touch with people...and to top it all up, disappointing my advisor today....really....I feel like a mess!

Still, there seems to be a positivity I havent felt before in such tough times. Something that pushes me to keep going, something that tells me to take it up as a challenge. I feel lucky to have some people with me through all this...

And well...life goes on...

A sudden gush of wind

2010-09-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just impulsively feel like doing something. Right now I felt that for writing a post. I don't know what I want to say, but it seems like there is loads...

Its been crazy of late - an 8.30 class every morning, a problem set due every week, a journal club and a lab meeting presentation, topped with three papers to read at the last moment before a seminar, mentoring an undergraduate, settling accounts, making a poster for a conference, getting some travel documents endorsed...and the list goes on.

I didn't sleep last night, I almost slept off right under the professor's nose in the seminar, I havent eaten lunch today, and I have a heap of an assignment to do. But amidst all this, I feel blissful...

I love my new apartment. I am remembering a friend's painting I saw yesterday which has filled me up with creative thoughts. I am in total awe of a friend who has been there through thick and thin and literally been my best friend. I feel absolutely happy about getting back a friendship with a dearest of dear friends. I feel closer to my roommate and have a new level of affection for her. I am dying to meet some of my most favourite people next week.

Basically as a friend's blog title reads, I'm lovin' it!!

:):)

Ripples in the water

2010-07-28T16:39:00.001-07:00

I think this would be the most abstract post I have written so far. So I guess its no point trying to make sense out of it.

Sometimes in a calm lake, without any warning, you would see ripples. These ripples do not sustain for a very long time, but even as they are there and disturbing the serenity of the lake, you know they will leave, and you patiently wait till they leave... Sometimes they are quite strong and are capable of shaking you, but sometimes even if they just tickle you for a bit, you enjoy the pleasing sensation. You know you wouldn't want these ripples or the tickles to last too long, yet you immerse yourself fully in them and wait for them to leave, to die down. Resisting them doesn't help, because you don't see the actual warmth of these ripples until you actually let go for a while and let them take over you. Its something like a beautiful experience which could turn dangerous if lasted too long...

Life does offer these ripples once in a while, trying to sway you from your natural and preplanned stream of approaching the river, doesn't it? :)

The City of Four Lakes

2010-07-24T17:07:00.001-07:00

Wow, this is the fourth post in the last week or ten days. Am I on a roll or what !! I guess thats how it happens with me, a phase of very frequent writing, and then a really long break. Its ok I guess...its more natural this way :)

So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...

Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)

Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)

A bit of trivia -

1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!

2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)

3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)

4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!

I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)

My insides are screaming!

2010-07-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

I really like this phrase. Its so descriptive. The beauty of the phrase lies in the double-meaning it holds. Perhaps the 2nd meaning would be understood only by women.

When you are frustrated with something so bad, there is something that's always itching, something always provoking you to do something. You have to control it. The more you control it, the more it itches. And then as it all accumulates, it finally comes out in one blow, when you think you have reached the 'screaming-inside' phase. The outcome of it is different for different people of course, some shout it out, some go into their shell and so on. That was the first meaning.

The second explanation of this phrase is more literal than figurative. A sensation which truly makes you feel that there is something inside you that is screaming - every cell in the body longing for more oxygen, every muscle in your body throbbing and pushing against your skin. It makes you experience the true meaning of 'wear and tear'. Imagine that a part of your body is rotting, one by one everything starts shedding - cells, tissues, and the multitude of other components comprising your body. Would you just sit and watch it happen? No, you would put some ointment, bandage it, prevent it, make sure you don't stress it, and let it heal. Now imagine the same thing inside out. That every cell and tissue is tearing off from inside your body. The pain is so much that it percolates from being localized to being global. Your whole body is just 'tearing apart' from the inside, and neither can you touch it, nor can you bandage it. You can just sit and bear it. This is what could more accurately be understood by the above phrase. You literally feel the scream from within, and cannot do anything about it. Well of course there are ways to subdue the 'massive internal erosion', but I personally consider them unnatural and disturbing to the ways to nature. Sometimes you just feel like hitting yourself, you try to help by externally applying pressure to soothe the inside, but its all temporary. All you can think of is a pair of hands that could just squeeze you all over to relieve you off the pain for a whole day. But then again, that's impractical, over-expecting, and all the other adjectives that collectively mean - can't be done. While sitting in a group meeting today, all I could think of was stretching out somewhere, tighten every muscle so that I cannot feel the screaming. But work doesn't stop. Its a part of life...the show has to go on...

Sigh...even as I write this, my insides are screaming and trying to bombard my mind with disillusioned states of fury, pain, discomfort and all the related. But I know, neither this post, nor anything else will make this day pass by faster. Its just something we have to live with, and try to look at the brighter side of it - the strength we gain by bearing this time and again...

Relationships

2010-07-18T18:46:00.001-07:00

So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.

There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.

One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.

Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.

Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.

And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.

So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.

Lakefront at Langdon

2010-07-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

Finally doing it. I have been waiting for this day for a long time now, n finally its here. Sitting by the lake, with terrace pizza and a soda, a roomie as a friend, and my laptop...I am experiencing what is understated as bliss... Nothing like sitting here and staring into infinity and beyond...gathering all the past thoughts...drowning the negatives into the lake and using the setting sun's rays to encourage myself on various aspects of life...

A lot is on my mind. I am not particularly sure about what I want from life...but...I am not stressed...Im not upset. I am in fact living it, n lovin' the uncertainity. For the first time after a long long time, maybe years...I feel like I am being totally myself without any fear of being judged. And...being me is fun :)

Water can have such a calming effect on the mind...it makes me think of each and every element involved in water. Basically its just Hydrogen n Oxygen...but a perfect combination of the two which provides for one of the most abundant and basic necessities of life. Why am i saying this? I don't know...I just feel like it...n the best part is I am not hesitating thinking that someone reading this post would be judging me, would be questioning the relevance of this post etc. A friend recently just spoke a few wise words which caught me, and I quote, "sabsa bada roge, kya kahenge loge"...which literally translates to - the biggest disease is the fear of being judged by people. Its amazing how the mind picks up the facts it needs the most at the right time...makes one feel there really is someone monitoring the way your life proceeds.

One of the most important facets of my life has been a little shaky of late. But, thats not important anymore. Whats important is that I am calm about it...and again, after a long time, my faith has formed its grip over me. I just feel like being a spectator now, and witnessing the way life unfolds with a completely unbiased tilt.

And the music behind is getting me grooving...its so cooooooolllll...sitting here! The sunlight kissing one cheek of mine, the wind blowing my hair from the other direction, the water giving the calming effect, the sound of music, and the vast space ahead of me. Its like the elements of nature, all dancing to the tune of Vanessa Mae and A.R. Rehman in Raaga dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrdvg6oqmWM)

...a creation I am yet to translate very soon from my mind into depiction of an expression of Unity in Diversity.

I'll be the change I want to see in people

2010-03-13T18:26:00.000-08:00

BBMIMES...

Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...

I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)

Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.

The rest doesn't matter...

To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...

Burning down the lab, spilling acid over myself, and getting mad at a labmate!!

2010-03-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

Could have been the worst day of my lab. I might have just been in the hospital for severe burns today, but I got lucky. Not once but twice! While doing the TFA cleavage in the chemical hood, as I was adding air into the cap for it to be completely drained, pop!!!! The whole cap just burst spilling TFA filled resin all over the hood! I thanked my starts for having been careful and pulling the hood panel down just before doing this. I remember doing this stuff before and not closing the panel properly. PHEW!!! TFA burns...I wouldn't have enjoyed that one!

A couple of hours later, I was melting a glass rod in the biological hood this time using a bunsen burner. Thats easy, its hardly anything! Just hold the tip of the rod to the fire n enjoy seeing it transform. All of a sudden, the fire is huge and it catches the rubber pipe on top of it! The hood is on fire! I screamed for help and amidst the panic it didn't even strike me to switch off the gas outlet! 2 guys came running and by then I had gathered my neurons together to be able to switch the gas off. The lab would have been on fire!! It could have just caught me or my clothes instead of the tube! PHEW AGAIN!!!! We changed the tubing, and made sure there wasnt any leakage. Thanks to the guys around we didn't burn... but my heartbeat is still triplle!

There's a person in my lab, who is one of the most rude and insolent people I have met so far in this city. She was so horrible today! And yes, I did give it back to her in my way today. I have been taking it for quite some time, but today was a limit! Just cuz shes been here a year before us doesnt give her the right to behave this way with us. And shes not our PI! The way she speaks to us ordering us around and all! We are grad students...not some kindergarten kids or fools who don't understand anything.

What a day it has been. And its still not over...I need to get home late tonight..I wonder what else in in store for me today...

When an inner self dies...

2010-03-12T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life takes a turn of events in such a way that you have no control over them. Sometimes you try to control the way the events turn in your life. There is a constant fight between the practical and the way of the heart. I want to forget and just move on. There is so much that I need to do, but its as if some part of my body, from deep inside has got all its cells black and clumped together, somewhere around the chest region. Im trying to breathe hard to lighten them, to release them from being stuck to each other this way. But I don't know if these cells are dead or dying. If they are already dead, will I be able to restore them? Or will they be replaced ever? I hope they haven't given up yet...and are just waiting for the optimum splurge of life that would swell them up again with vigour, excitement, hope and beauty!

VIBGYOR...

2010-02-28T01:29:00.000-08:00

7 colours...distinct, yet beautiful together. This is how I feel at the moment. We just celebrated a friend's birthday...and got high on ice cream, dancing, drinks, friendship, emotions, songs and basically all colours of life. Its 3 am, but I feel really content, and at peace.

I saw, or rather discovered some new aspects of some of my friends, which brought a smile on my face. In this fast paced world, it was nice to see some intense friendship and emotions, even if it was the alcohol that spilt it out. I saw one of my friends sing with the most genuine and truest passion ever...I found out that he has an amazing voice. I also discovered that he is a very intense friend...just never expresses. I saw him console another friend in a very caring manner...something I didnt think he would do. I saw another friend cry his heart out...with the freedom of a little child...something which no one shows these days. We laughed, we danced, we sang, we just basically had a great time.

Its amazing to see a group of strangers evolve into close friends. I will miss C when she leaves soon so much, shes suchh a sweet and cheerful and considerate and selfless person. I never really thought of this but I will miss her. I am really happy to see JKG and Rshit...:) very cute couple...:) Another little thing keeps shut most of the time in her room with D(square)...but has the most amazing smile when shes in the spirits...and of course the 2 others I spoke about before. We are all different flavours...when put together in the right amount creating a satisfying dish....that of friendship and happy moments. I danced my heart out today...after a longgg time...and spent some memorable moments. I will remember this day...27th Feb 2010

:) VIBGYOR...thats how I would define the seven of us :)

YAYYYY!!!

2010-02-12T10:15:00.000-08:00

I cant believe it!!! I am doing the YES!+ course again soon :):):):)

Im soooooo excited :D

I had never thought I would get so involved or look forward to something so much...

Sometimes I feel...maybe Shilpa Rau was right???

OMG OMG OMG

Cool na? 2 posts back to back with totally contradictory moods...it seems my bloggie answered my prayers...the moment I got back in touch you caressed me and served me with the right path on a silver platter :)

LOVE YOU BLOGGIE :)

Im back...

2010-02-12T01:54:00.000-08:00

Wow...5 months. Its been so long I blogged. But then things became hectic. The semester was just crazy, and then the India trip and everything. Now its back to where I am, studying, working...and just living life I guess.

I have been hurt a lot in the past few days. Why does this happen? Is it my fault? Maybe it really is. I go out of the way so much to do things for people that I end up expecting in return. And no one is able to meet that expectation. I dont think I expect too much, but I guess thats because thats nothing for me. Its an effort for others. I really really go too much out of the way for people. I mean why do I do that? Cuz it comes naturally to me. Why does it at all come naturally to me?

I am really not happy about this aspect of mine. I take too much tension, and I do too much for people and think too much about things. I care too much. I really want to be able to just not be so attached. How can I do that without being bitter at heart? I had dedicated a song to someone which had a line saying, "dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter"...but the same is happening to me. Its not one hell bent heart. Its just me being so different from most people. Cuz I make myself prone to being hurt. I really want a solution for this. Someone who can teach me how to love without expecting...who can?

Really, I want to just do that. I want to not expect anything. Can anyone help me please?

Credit card, Free Books, Aloo da paratha, massive cleaning, Chicken Rezala, and DDLJ with French Vanilla Coffee!!!!!

2009-10-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

An eventful day in every way,

that started with a touch of snow flakes...

Going to the bank with friends in the cold..

Credit card, quarters, checkbook and book-sales

Lunch was a ton of gala n fun,

with mehnat on the atta and the aloo-mashing

we fried the stuff in ghee with a screwd up face by me,

But relished the meal in a pepped up gathering

There came a lull phase after that,

Where assignment went right over-head

I tried n tried but Oh I couldnt read,

And so decided to try being a little 'home-bred'

The kitchen, the floor, the utensils n all,

The scrubbing and mopping and dusting through,

A rearrangement of the dishwasher stuff,

And then a chance to sigh n say 'phew'

With the kitchen clean came out my cooking spree

And out popped a customized chicken dish

My debut in cooking a non-veg item,

And it turned out to be one everyone did relish!

How to end the day in the best way,

what better than my favourite film,

DDLJ with Kajol n SRK,

And French Vanilla Coffee, full of lather n cream :)

As I retire to bed with a smile on my face

I say to myself it was a good day

When friends make you smile and you feel at peace,

I tell myself, I want to do this everyday.

I know I can't do poetry for nuts,

But im still going ahead and trying my wits

Its 3 am in the morning and Im half brain dead,

So I'll sum up by sayin...

CC, FB, ADP, MC, CR, DDJL n FVC are acronyms which come out of the mind of a sleepy brainless good for nothing piece of disconnected candy coated cockroachy creature who is babbling like a bunch of big berzerk baboons...and you guys are wasting your time reading this...

THE BOTTOM LINE IS I HAD A VERY SATISFYING DAY !!!! I guess you got the point....ok m sleeping....

Bye....

Gnite....

Sweet dreams...

Ok why am i saying this to u, it might be day time...

See what I mean....

I should really go...

Ok then....

zzzzzzzz.....

hope tomorrow is also as....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....................

Identity Crisis?

2009-10-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how one tries so hard to be someone he/she is not.

I am in the USA now, and there is something I have observed very strongly here. Students, fresh undergrads coming from my country, have this absolutely annoying tendency to try to roll their tongues in and out while speaking. Ok guys, seriously, you can't get the accent! And why do you have to try to do so? For heaven's sake has anyone seen any other nationality try to do that? Take Italians, or Brits...they stick to their accent. And the Americans try to adopt it, and even find it 'exotic n nice'...but well...in our case no! We are 'ashamed' of our accents...and so we try to speak the 'All Cool American Language'. Guys come on, we've studied in English medium schools, there is no such thing as the correct pronunciation. All over the world people are communicating with their respective English accents...even non-English speaking countries. If we have a touch of 'Hindi or Tamil or Punjabi or Bengali' to our English accents, so what!!! Don't Greek and Spanish and Middle-eastern people have and influence of their language in their English? If they can't understand what we are saying, they never will if we don't stick to our way. Let them try. We are not stupid, and their way is not 'correct'. Its absolutely ok to be different and to be respected for the difference. If you are confident about it, people will automatically try to understand you. You don't have to say 'Raaut' for route or 'Caayn't' for can't. And its perfectly understandable if you say 'How are you' instead of 'Howz it goin' and 'Bye' instead of 'Laderrrr'....Big deal! Initially they'll find it weird, but they'll understand and thats what matters, communication! Just because you have come to this country doesn't mean you try so hard to change your ways. You can completely make do with what you have learnt throughout your education so far.

If you observe, the professors who teach you all have amazing presentation skills, and speak coherently without silly and distracting body movements. If you have to adopt something, adopt that. I have noticed that the TA's (graduate students who teach in classes) mostly speak to themselves in a tone which is meant for casual conversation. And that is what you guys try to adopt! I agree that it makes it easier for them to understand if we modify our ways a bit, but just a bit. Not whole words and sentences and intonations and body language! Trust me guys, by trying to copy their exclamations and jargons, you end up looking nothing but stupid. To them its gonna sound fine n easy and you would think you are being cool, but come out of your shoes for once, and look at yourself. Is this really you? Would you think or speak to yourself in this fashion? Or is it just a show? If it is, then...seriously, are you not happy about the way you are? What's the need for this idiotic masking of your true self?

Think about it guys, really...its not very different from going through identity crisis, the only difference being, you don't realise you are fighting with yourself. Remember one thing, you are not anything lesser than these people, and hence, you don't have to be someone you are not to mingle with them. You can be here, and be yourself. Trust me, you might initially be mocked at, but you are better off being mocked at by people who don't know you than by those who do know you...

Something struck me today!

2009-09-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

Im quite a lazy person by nature, especially when it comes to waking up from sleep. Oh god, I don't know what comes over me, but I just cannot wake up, even if I know its the most important thing for me. Some evil voice says, "sleep is more important", and starts feeding in all sorts of ideas for excuses to avoid waking up!

I was just going through my mailbox to see loads of events happening in the university, one of them being, attending a workshop which I would like to attend. And then I thought, 'I dont have the time, I am a research student, I would have to be in lab all the time'. True, very true, but what is the other thing I CAN compromise on to do these things I like to do?

SLEEP!

This is the time, this is the last chance I have, my final years as a STUDENT, and I HAVE to make the most out of it. I can catch up on sleep later, oh Im sure of that...

A new horizon, and Im at it!!!!

:) :) :)

An eventful day

2009-09-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was eventful. I discussed something with my mom which I had been waiting for for many months now, maybe even years. But then, even though the outcome of the discussion seemed positive, I am not left with a good feeling. The unrest prevails. Why are some decisions in life so tough to make? I just wish there was someone to hold my hand, walk along with me and guide me...I just want to know where I am heading, focus on that and not fray and sway, and just not worry anymore!

From June to September in 10 minutes...

2009-09-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

And yes its been ages, I know...so muchhhhhh has happened, and has been happening that its practically impossible to pen it down here now. I would be spending the next 2 weeks if I were to pen every detail here, and honestly, time is what I don't have now :(

So why have I suddenly peeped into the blog world again? Well for one thing I didn't wanna abandon my blog..and well...lets say, I am in a moment of joblessness for about 10 minutes! Gosh, what a reason to blog right?! But to be honest, its really difficult to get myself to write when I know I can't write at length.

I am in a whole new continent now, spending my daily life in a new environment, amongst completely different people. I had never imagined I'd feel this way about being here. Its all so new! But...I miss my old friends...I miss the place I spent the last 4 years of my life...I miss the lab and I really miss my ex professor. Everything is different here. Its a challenge, and I am embracing it everyday. But not a single day comes when I don't miss what used to be...

But all said n done, this place is beautiful, and exciting cuz of the weather extremities. The department is good, and it feels good be back into research and attending classes after a long time. I got a whole new set of Apple Products! The new MacBook Pro, the iPhone, and the IpodTouch! And Im totally pro mac now! Its just amazing! Moreover, I am revisiting the joys of long distance relations :)

Have made a new set of friends here, but of course I guess that time can never come back...its business more now :)

Ok my 10 mins are over now...I gt get back to what I was doing...but I just remembered that I missed the biggest point here...MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED!!! and i just cant believe it still...man!!!!!!!!

Love you sweetheart...wish u a very amazing wedded life! And I miss you a lot...

NO MORE SURPRISES !

2009-06-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

I become the bad one here. This has not happened once, but twice now. First it was a friend, and now my own family! If I am organizing a surprise for someone, just to make the person feel good, then I am too kiddish, i am immature! And if the surprise leaks out, let alone getting angry, i cnt even ask who said it out or how it came out. If I ask I get scolded back like I am committing some crime and I am stupid n childish and extra sensitive and all that...I mean I cant even ask!

I am jus tired of getting to hear accuses...about how I am. To hell with trying to make people feel good. No one realises the worth of it...why am I a fool to keep thinking of how to make someone smile then? Be it family or others now...

I wont do it then...if this is such a 'childish' trait of mine, then today I leave it behind me...just...no more surprises...for anyone...

some wounds are just so deep, they keep getting moist very easily. The last time my friend had actually tagged me as unnecessarily causing tension just because i was upset that a surprise got leaked out...when i was told not to organise surprises if it means getting all upset if it doesnt work out. I mean I am not even doing anything for myself. Its for someone else, and when I am putting my 100 percent to it, just to see the look of excitement on the other person, if somehow the thing gets out, I cant even get upset? Then Im told, there is no need for this! What the hell people, a reaction about something which you are so involved in, can I not even get the license to do that without being accused and tagged?

I thought I had forgotten it. But today when something similar was said to me, my frustration increased manifold because of this past wound. Thats what multiplied my agony. Horrible...I mean...I don't know what to say...after all if I say something, then I become a 'baby'...

Repeat Telecast

2009-06-05T14:48:00.000-07:00

A night to remember. That was a few years back. All my friends had come home for a night out. My parents weren't home and we had a blast. The whole night full of fun and frolic was ended with a one hour nap. Come 5 am, with rain greeting us along with the twitter of birds, we all ventured out to bask in the glory of an early morning. Wet earth fragrance lingering around, we splashed our way to the most beautiful spot of the city, walking. And then it poured like the most beautiful rainfall ever. Drenched in water, we ran across to the nearest canteen and begged the shopkeeper for food at 7 am. It was closed and he refused. We walked back home, at left over food from the previous night and tea and then slept. The photographs of that day still makes me smile...

Today was a repeat telecast. The same concept of my friends staying over night as my parents aren't home. The same people except for one who was replaced by a new member. Well this one wasnt really a friend but a friend of a friend. It started with disappointment due to miscommunication wherein two of them had made other plans. And then discomfort amidst the rest due to irritation. Then there was ordering of food stuff and drinks. Followed by a game of cards called flash. Everyone was enjoying, and it looked good. But I guess I am never gonna be a cards person. I felt a little left out, in my own house, what an irony!! But spoke to a dear one and felt better...really felt better :) Felt like I have someone my own :) that really helped...and then I came back to the scene.

Those two who had gone off returned, and then the party began! Loud music, youtubing and dance dance n dance. Well I did have a lot of fun! And now it seems like it will be a repeat telecast! The members are the same...I cant believe it :) And we are about to play some games. I am feeling damn nostalgic, and I am sure it will be a night to remember...yet again !

Friends forever...

2009-06-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

I spoke to a friend after a long time today..someone who at one point of time was very close to me, who was my best friend. but then times changed and we lost touch. now when i spoke to that person after a long time, i was the same, i tried being with that friend the same way I used to, because no one can replace another friend, n this was the most special of all. But then upon pressing on askin to tell me something, I was told that the past has been wiped off and now I am a stranger to that person...that we cant be best friends in one day, we dont know each other...

Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...

No I am not wrong...

Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...

my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...

lots of love, urs, bambi...

To be or not to be everybody...

2009-06-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

I want to get a haircut. I want to go and join dance classes. I want to be a little crazy. I want to laugh and smile all the time. I just want to be free. Free from being tied to a negative feeling.

Its been so long that I gave any time to myself. Its been so long. I feel like I have neglected myself so much that its made me liable to being hurt and insulted by almost anyone. Its so important to love yourself more than anyone else so that you can stand by what you feel is right, stand by yourself. Many people I know can do it so well. I wonder why I cant. Everyone says that 'this is what I think, I cant help it if you think otherwise'. Why cant I be firm on that as well?? For me, it always boils down to what the other person might have felt or been thinking. Ultimately I give importance to that...

I guess I havent mentioned clearly here. But my last few years were spent in Singapore. I was studying there for 2 years and then worked for 2 years. I had a very intense learning experience. In all aspects. Met various people and learnt so much about how different people can be. Ive realised one thing, how important it is to not lose yourself when you are amidst people who are not like you. Its very easy to fall into the trap of doubting yourself and considering yourself as the faulty one when the bottomline is just that you are different. And I became a victim of that trap. I fell straight into it, and ever since have been struggling to pull myself out of it. Even if I am very close to freeing myself, just one particular turn entangles me again into the trap with such intensity that all the efforts of trying to come out of it go waste.

I think I have invested everything in the past few years to just relationships, be it any form of relationship. And what happens is that if I take a step back, and I see the other person feeling even slightly bad about it, I just give up what I was standing for and channalize all my efforts to just placate that person. And then at the end of all this, I expose myself to being hit hard.

What is love? Love is what you feel for someone, be it anyone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends or your significant other. It is such a strong feeling that it engulfs you, it makes you do everything you never imagined, makes you forget yourself and just do things for the one you love. But after all, no one is a saint. You try to be the best person possible, try to control all your senses and just do things for the people you love...but after all you are human too. Even you have your ups and downs, there are days when you just want to be loved for who you are and not be controlled and guarded. It is this time when you need someone to tell you that you are loved, that you are a good person, that you are beautiful the way you are, that you are understood. Is not being able to be guarded all the time a bad thing? If one is unable to be the best person for one out of six days, does it completely undo the efforts the person made for the rest five days? And then you are quoted as not talking sense, stupid and trying to justify what is not right. You feel blamed for something which you dont feel wrong, but the other person constantly and firmly says, 'this is what i think..and even if you think otherwise, you are wrong in justifying yourself...'

Love is perhaps the most beautiful feeling in this world...it helps you become a better person. But at the cost of laying your heart in the hands of someone else...I know I have certain qualities which make me stand aside from many others, I know I have learnt to be able to do certain things which my parents have taught me and which I am glad to have...but when I need to reassure myself of the fact that I am not wrong, I am unable to do that and just get a finger pointed at about how I am immature...

A song which I truly believe in is this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ONo4RiIaE and I belong to the same category...is it such a crime?

Welcome to where I am...?

2009-05-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah so Im back...back to my abode, my home, my everything. Or so I thought...?

I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...

The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...

Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(

Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...

Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.

As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...

But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(

I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...

I think, I miss my family...

As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...

Love you bloggie...

Bad food, headache, lots of work and no fun :(

2009-05-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

I realised how important food can be towards your general mood. I have been a little stressed with work of late as I am about to finish and leave in less than a week. Other than work, there is a lot of other things to do, regarding packing up, closing accounts, getting back deposits etc. Amidst all this, even though I know I am not obligated to, I really want to finish certain things at my workplace. And so far it hasnt worked. Im trying different things. Just took an extension of another 4 days before I can report to my boss about what all I can hand over to him. Today while doing an experiment with a UV machine, I suddenly got a strong headache. That headache now percolated to my back and now my whole body is aching. I learnt from someone that it is not very powerful, the wavelength is longer, so it should not be a thing to worry about. Sure ok that was relieveing to hear. But my aches havent gone down. I had asked my friend to pack up food from a place we have never eaten at before, because Ive tasted it from someone else's box a couple of times and it tasted good. I was looking forward to jus that. Good food...was really hungry. And then after what seemed like hours, we took our boxes outside to sit and eat. I opened the box, and it looked completely different from what I had expected...plain white stuff, be it the cabbage or the rice or anything else, some beans which weren't that great, and overall no salt! It totally put me down further! My friend tried to cheer me up by getting me coke later but that din help a bit! Ever since Ive been even more low. Seriously I was never affected by bad food ever before. Donno if I really din care or I din get to experience before. But whatever it is, it certainly added on to the general stress of life today. I wanna take a break, do something creative. Lets see, maybe I should do it. In fact, I'll do it right away...right then bloggie...hope that helps...cya later...love you!

Of Noses and Nostrils

2009-05-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Wondering what this must be about? The first thing I guess everyone notices about a person is his/her nose and the way he/she twitches and 'tortures' it. I still don't know why the nose is such an abused feature of the face. I mean thats not the only protruding part right, you have ears, cheeks, lips etc. also that one can exploit all the time, but no one mishandles the other parts as much as the nose. Or maybe that just looks the most hideous on fiddling with! So there are many categories of nose-exploitations that I have observed. Will try to list them here.

1. The most common one is the 'push-up'. A twitch or itch, and the whole hand goes and pushes the nose up with full force, making it look like a pig's snout. I mean why does it have to be pushed up like that, it can just be slightly scratched, pulled at gently, or the horizontal finger movement putting your forefinger on the septum also suffices. It need not be pushed up to 180 degrees, making the person look ugly and at the same time creating a 'line of bend' in the middle of the nose surface.

2. Of course there is picking of the nose! This is not only ugly, but dirty too. Yes we all have phlegm. And it needs to be thrown out of the system, very well acknowledged. But it need not be done publicly using your finger nails to scratch out the 'substance', and then wipe your finger under the table. Cleaning your olfactory asset is a must for everyone, but the art of 'nose-picking' need not be so graphically displayed !

3. Then comes the flaring up of nostrils. This is my favourite part. Hehe, or rather least favourite part. I can go on and on writing about this. Everyone has different kinds of nostrils, long, short, huge, tiny, pointed, round and what not. Its very strange how these shapes hit the eye only when they are flared up. I would say the tiny round ones are the most fortunate, as the shape doesn't change for them even when they are flared up, but the most unfortunate ones are the pointed ones. One they are flared, they suddenly enlarge from the sides, and become more pointed than ever. Something like a 'lying down' isosceles triangle with the 2 arms being the upper and lower edges of the nostril and the base forming the third edge, vertically, but curved. Now when the nostril gets flared up, the point connecting the curved base and the upper-edge arm gets very fiercely pointed, and the curvy part gets bigger and rounder. Something like this.

And to top it up, somehow people who have this very prominent nostril-flare, also invariably end up flaring it most of the time! It becomes a part of their expressions, conversations, everything. Giving just a look to someone will not just be through the eye, eyebrow or lips (which are the usual pre-requisites for giving looks), but also through a flared nostril ! I used to wonder whether actually it is everyone who does it and its just very prominent for people with pointed nostrils but no, the ones with these pointed ones tend to exhibit them much more. Why that happens I really don't know. There are people who just cant have a normal conversation without flaring their nostrils. I mean usually nostrils are flared when one is breathing heavily, yawning or is angry. Yes there are exceptions to all categories here, but Im mentioning the most frequently occuring observation. Ok shape of a nostril and even the nose for that matter is something we can't do anything about. Some are really lucky, have beautiful noses and nostrils, some have one good, the other not-so-good, but some are the other extreme - huge prominent nose with prominent nostrils. We all have to live with it. But the flaring bit is voluntary right? If one wants to make their nostrils noticed, then its another thing, but being aware of how you look if you have prominent nostrils and when you flare them up all the time, is important for the sake of the visual comfort of people around. Trust me, half of the time the attention gets diverted from what you are saying to how you are distorting your prominent asset!

4. What else, their are noses with nose-hair sticking out. Hehe, everyone has nose-hair, but if you have even a slightly pointed up nose or nostril, it sticks out, making it look like a mucosal display! I know, one can't do much about this, but Im sure it can be trimmed slightly if its too prominent.

5. And yes, some people just love to fiddle with their noses all the time. Touch it, squeeze it, pinch it, push a nostril with a finger making it look like an 'almost-nose-pick' and what not! Oh come on, give the poor thing a rest, after all it helps you do the thing you need to sustain - breathe, give it some respect for that!

I think this is one of the observations that has always had an effect on me ever since I was a child. I used to hate it when some people closely related to me used to push up their nose when they had a cold or flare up their nostrils. Hehe, I have learnt over the years that its just something very natural, something which you can't care about all the time. I myself do some of the things mentioned above (except the nose-picking bit!), and I know one can't really be all sophisticated all the time. But mind you, I still stand by the fact that it is one of the amusing and sometimes unpleasant visual distractions one sees in people.

I used to feel that its only me who notices and gets affected by these observations, but of late, I realized that its not just me, when someone actually came and displayed their irritation on the way the other person's imposing personality was enhanced by a particularly prominent constant nose-flaring. There are other oddities of the facial expressions too, like hanging your lower lip exposing your gums, frothing your mouth while speaking too much because of not gulping your saliva etc., but the nose, and the nostrils are just the best! I don't think anything else catches as much attention as these 2 brothers do.

:D

I do not claim to be an epitome of sophistication at all, but penning down this observation which has been there in me since I was a child was quite amusing and fun I must say. No offense meant to anyone whatsoever :)

TGI Friday...

2009-05-08T05:18:00.000-07:00

Aaah! Friday finally. Weekend's here! I have had a tiring week. Not slept much, and considering my ankle still hurts, I have been exerting it I guess. But I got some work done. Feels satisfactory. Just spoke to my cousins and relatives on video chat. It felt nice...Yesterday's blues have disappeared, thankfully :) I finished my work at 7 pm today! Now that really is something as usually Im stuck here everyday until at least midnight. I wanna really utilize this weekend well. Do things that I have pending, basically catch up on my to-do list. I feel random, like tweedledee and tweedledum. Haha I know it doesn't make sense. Yesterday I made a pattern on the white board along with a friend. Started making it just to get rid of my irritation, but in the process it turned out to be a beautiful one. And I called it 'tweedlelab'. Dont ask why ! Sometimes its just so cool to be senseless and just out of the blue. Its blissful. I know I am really blabbering now. But I'm loving it :) And oh ya, I just changed the look of my blog. Made it all pink and all...as can be seen already :| I think it looks slightly flashy, and my friend says I've made it all 'pinky'...hehe, but who cares! Its fun to be bold and silly at times :D I'll keep it this way for a while. I think my blog has started to reflect my moods...just like what I had expected it to be...a mirror :)

I love you Bloggie :)

Exhausted...

2009-05-07T03:43:00.001-07:00

I had a very tiring day. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I know why, because my foot hurts a lot today and I had a lot of work to do. Emotionally, I have no clue. I had just begun to feel that things have settled down a bit, I no longer am that vulnerable to having frequent ups and downs. But I just feel terribly exhausted...feel like sitting somewhere alone, and I have NO CLUE WHY ! I just feel like I am oscillating between the past and the present, the good and the bad parts of everything. I feel like I am not quite sure who I am. Its weird. I think its just a day, I'll be fine today. Funny thing is, nothing happened that is making me feel this way, its just so pointless. I think I should go watch a movie or something...or just run away someplace for a while, having no one to answer anything to...

Im sick of certain things in my life...I just want to make some ammendments. And I will, very soon. Just need to gather certain belongings first...

Some people just never change...

2009-05-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I am even writing this post here, it's really not worth dedicating a part of my blog to someone totally worthless. But I guess its a place I can slash out my frustration on too. I used to be a student in this particular lab, and there was a guy in that lab. He was one of the snobbiest two-faced people I have ever met. Anyway I won't go into the details of how mean he was and how his girlfriend and he monopolized the lab on the account of being the senior-most members of it. He made my life miserable there, sending 'insulting' emails sitting in the next room and all other possible things...

Its been almost two years now that I haven't met him. I am out of that lab now and so is he. After all that he made me go through for two years, I decided to remember just the good part of it wherein he had taught me the correct way of using pipettes, something which I can call a skill I possess now. Very recently, I learnt that another co-member of that lab (who is also out of the lab now), became a father. It was great news. I always had a good equation with him, not to mention he was also one of the major contributors for my most recent accomplishment, my PhD admission. I was genuinely happy for him. Surprisingly, this guy had a good relation with the mean guy. I think it was the age factor, he was older than the meano, and hence received some respect from him, something that a 'minor' like me is not entitled to !!

Today, I just saw him online, I mean the meano. And the most annoying altruistically bent attitude that I have in these regards, I 'pinged' him on gmail chat. I said, "Hi ***, how are you doing?" Surprisingly he replied, "I am doing fine". I said, "I thought I should let you know that (nice guy) had a baby child recently". He said, "Oh, great news". Wow, I thought, for a change he is being responsive, being good, being normal! Maybe he has changed, maybe going away to a different country brought him down, maybe he has become a more polite person, maybe he now considers me old or rather qualified enough to give me some respect. I thought, ok let me initiate a conversation, maybe he isn't such a bad person after all, maybe I can change my opinion about him. I said, "how is your wife (his mean monopolizing girlfriend who I knew too)?".... no answer.... hmm, I thought, was I too fast in thinking he has changed? Then I quickly corrected myself - its just chat! he might be busy with something or may not be on his desk! So I thought, let me say something else. I said, "I am joining you guys soon". Immediate reply - "where??". Oh so he wasn't busy or anything. He really did not reply deliberately. I was beginning to regret having messaged him, but I couldn't just leave the conversation there. Well, now to think of it, I could have, and rather, should have. But its me again, I ALWAYS create such situations for myself. I said, " I am coming to the Univ of *****, in the **** program", and like a fool, I expected him to say, "congrats", or even "great", or even a mere "oh all the best" that would have sufficed. After all he was my lab senior for 2 years, this would have meant at least one little teeny weeny bit to him. And then, after what seemed like ages, he wrote, "good for you"...

Wow, that's a really nice way of wishing someone for anything. I even tried to think if it was just a way of wishing someone in some dialect or slang or whatever, but I know him! He does not use such phrases. I have seen him be really polite to people, people who he probably feels 'worthy' of giving respect. I felt like hitting my head. What a fool I was to get myself to feel this way from a totally worthless person. I hate him, really, maybe the only person ever that I really hate. And inspite of that, I wrote, ":) anyway, give my greetings to **** (your wife who deserves you)"...and...no reply...

Seriously, some people never change...and I guess that includes me too. I don't know if I have still learnt my lesson. For all I know, I will try to find ways to put this grudge also behind me. Yeah I know that its supposed to be a good thing, but there is definitely NOTHING I feel good about what I did...the way I invited this for myself...

:-X

Mr./Ms. 20-something, this is for you...

2009-05-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

This is something I read in one of the forwarded emails recently. I've read it a long time back once, but reading it again made me feel like I could relate to it more this time. Maybe I have really settled into the 20-something phase now !! Here goes ...

BEING IN TWENTIES – SOMETHING…

Thought this couldn't be more appropriate for us...

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling onto the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion
for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis….

They call it Quarter-life Crisis. I call it the Sine-Curve Insanity....

What exactly is a tag?

2009-05-04T02:22:00.000-07:00

Once a friend said she had written a post on facebook and told me she had tagged me. The illiterate me looked for my name in it...again and again! I had even got a notification saying she had tagged me in that post, so where was it? Much later only did I learn that it means you are supposed to answer the questions your friend has answered in that post. Being tagged means basically being hand-cuffed and cornered, it means your friend has picked you as one amongst the chosen ones to go through this harrowing experience!!!

Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P

1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?

I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?

Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)

4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?

I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.

6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

As of now, I know all of them.

7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?

Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)

8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?

I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.

9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?

I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.

10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?

I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.

11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????

12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.

13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?

Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...

I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(

14) Five bloggers to be the next "victims"?

One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...

Here's the second one...

3 Smells I love:

1. Smell of wet earth

2. My mom's chicken curry

3. Mangoes!!

3 Smells I hate:

This one is easy :D

1. Smell of dirty toilets

2. Bad breath

3. Rotten food

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:

1. Research Assistant in a lab

2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress

3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:

1. All the Harry Potter Movies

2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)

3. Saathiya

There are many more :)

3 Fond memories:

1. My 24th birthday surprise

2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to

3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.

3 Jobs I would love to have:

1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.

2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners

3. A career counsellor in a university

3 Things I like to do:

1. Dance

2. Spend time with my loved ones

3. Blog

3 Of my favorite foods:

1. JUNK FOOD!!!

2. Paneer dishes

3. Lady's finger preparations

3 Places I would like to be right now:

1. Next to my grandparents

2. In my ex-college with my friends

3. A dance school

3 Things that make me cry:

1. A fight with a loved one

2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express

3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly

This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...

My foot!!

2009-05-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

I really mean it this time :( Yeah Im finally sitting down to write about one dramatic experience of my life which I have been referring to in my previous posts. Recently...

One of my real close friends had come back from a conference abroad with much happiness at the success of the presentation. We were all happy and about to go out for a dinner treat by this friend, followed by the movie '17 again'. We were about 8 of us, split up to reach the dining place. As four of us got out of the cab, I suddenly asked this friend where my phone was. While asking itself I realized that it was left in the cab. Panic stricken, I took my friend's phone, opened the call log, and at the same time ran towards the cab which had already left in a particular direction. As I was just about to press the green button to call my phone, I felt a series of sensations all together in a fraction of a second - shock, pain, embarrassment and realization of what happened. Missing a step down, I had landed with full force on my completely twisted right ankle....OUCH! The next few minutes were eventful. I stumbled and sat down in the middle of a car park. I don't think anyone realized the fact that it was really painful as one of them was still with the phone. I could feel that I was losing myself. That was when another friend came n sat down next to me and went like, "do you want to lie down?". I felt this excruciating pain going up my body to my head and I just announced, "I think I am going to faint", and lay down on the road. The next thing that I know is there are people screaming around me..."Someone give her water", "move aside, move aside". Someone had held up my head, my head was wet with water, my glasses had been removed, my slippers were off and I heard a man ask my name. And I heard my friend answering. It was the ambulance guy. He was very gently saying, "I will just slowly lift you here", feeling my ankle, asking me where it is paining and all that. While answering him I realized I was crying :| Don't know if it was pain or shock! Then I was lifted onto a stretcher and put in the ambulance (for the first time). It felt really strange. I felt like I am some wounded soldier being rushed to the hospital for surgery :| :| :| Really felt like I am amidst strangers until I heard my friend. We reached the hospital, and I was taken on a bed into some ward which seemed like it was kilometres away. My friend had gone off to register. Then the ambulance guys just halted my bed amidst many others and left. I was lying there half blind, among some unknown people, in an unknown hospital with ill patients vomiting around me. It was intimidating. And yeah, I had lost my phone so I couldn't really call anyone. Then some nurse just pushed my bed forward and without saying a word started checkin my blood pressure. I just wanted to know where I was !!! Finally, after what felt like hours, my friend came and held my hand and said, 'Everything will be alright'. That felt like some warm stream of life flowing into my cold hands and feet. I heaved a sigh of relief...

I had passed out on the road for nearly 5 minutes I was told. Well the proceedings after that were normal - tests, screens, doctors, nurses, pain-killers, wheelchairs and the usual procedures. In between my glasses and slippers were delivered to me. All the other friends had reached the hospital, and were waving to me from a glass door some distance away. My friend who was with me went like, "see your fans are waving". It was funny. We got all the things done, paid the money (thanks to insurance it was menial), got the orthopedic doctor's appointment for a few days later and then went out of the hospital. I couldn't even stand. I had to be lifted into the lift (weird phrase) and then we went to my friend's place, ordered food and had dinner there. That was one eventful friday...

Bone is fine, but I tore 2 ligaments and now have to wear this huge iron-man looking boot which is damn tight and is supposed to prevent any weight on the ankle. Its super irritating to keep limping, but at least its better than the first 5 days when I needed crutches and a chair with wheels to go to the bathroom in the same room! Man that was horrible...

Well...this is life. My ankle is still taking time to heal. Its painful to stand even now, and I havent started my physiotherapy sessions due to lack of early appointments. Today is Friday. After 2 weeks, yesterday we finally did watch 17 again, and even the treat was done a week back. Im trying to work as much as I can, but I really can't do much, Im like exerting myself too much even now. Just few more days for me to leave, had so much to do, and now, if I feel like doing something I am incapable of, I just can't stop cursing,

"MY FOOT!"

Being a woman

2009-04-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very irritated right now. I can't really pinpoint a reason. Suddenly I am very repulsed by the messiness of my room, my house, particularly my bathroom. If the way of drying clothes is a little stupid, (you hang them in a hanger and then lift them up with rods onto a bar high up), its just driving me nuts. Why can't there be simple clothes lining like we used to have in our homes or a dryer which dries everything. While doing all this, I just saw myself and realized that I was looking so haggard. My hair was unkempt, my face was dried up, I mean I had just taken a bath. I should have looked fresh, felt fresh. But even though I had a bath, I was feeling all hot and restless from within. Then all sorts of negative things started coming to my mind. About how frustrating certain days of the month can be, how irritating certain phases of life are, how sometimes you just feel like screaming or being snappy without any rhyme or reason. It really requires a patient person to understand a woman. Thats why there are so many jokes and wild humor that men share about 'women', 'marriage', 'unpredicatbility', 'no logic' and so on and so forth. I can't blame them cuz some times are really like that, senseless. But I think when God made a woman, he made her so rich from inside, that it became practically impossible for her to carry her weight all the time in a balanced manner...what people fondly call 'emotional baggage'. There is so much to a woman - love, passion, beauty...everything is more complicated than men, be it the physical exterior or the deep interior. Naturally to balance it out, God gave women the pains too...pains of being a girl when you reach age, pains of being a partner when you have to be careful about so many things, pains of being a mother, both biologically and emotionally, pains of being a home-keeper (by default it is more a responsibility of the woman in the house) and what not. I feel that a person who sees a woman in her wholeness is someone who truly appreciates God's creativity. While hanging some clothes today I remembered my mother, and got reminded of how I used to criticize her all the time for looking haggard, for suddenly scolding me and my sister without any reason, for suddenly bursting out at my father when he asked a simple question. The same mother, without whom I would not be what I am today, whose love, unconditional love and utmost care and concern come what may, for everyone in her family, made us all united as one. This capability, again, is a way of God's creativity in designing a woman, where he gave her an inner strength to endure everything. I sincerely hope that people who mock women seriously for what they are, realize that it is not easy to be everything for everyone in one lifetime...

No, nothing happened that made me write this. I guess its just a realization that came to me when I could see myself as I saw my mother a few years back. Just as a note to her, I love you Ma, for everything that you are. You are the world's best woman in my life...

A very special computer...

2009-04-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

Right now I am at my workplace. Have set up some work to do and am waiting for the incubation time. I actually feel like going back home, and sitting alone in front of my comp where I can pen down my thoughts in peace without any distraction. But since I can't do that now, I thought I'll use a make-shift computer, the one at my workplace. Ok let me clear out the space on my desk so I can make it look like my home-desk....just a min :)

........................................................................................

Amm...sorry that took like 10 minutes...and it still doesnt give me that feeling :( But nevermind, I'll try to get into a bubble and use this comp now...

So you guys (whoever does read this post) must be wondering what I am talking about. There was a friend of mine, SNK, a couple of years back. She still is a friend but we don't meet that often nowadays. Anyway, I met her at a time when she was in her 2nd year of PhD, and was just slowly getting accustomed to the many gadgets evolving in the markets around the world. Finally after much research and thought, she bought a mac, I think Powerbook. It was a beauty. And the way she maintained it was amazing. She used all the accessories possible, and customized her screen with various stick-ons. Her screensaver was a slideshow of her photographs, in the mac way, having 3D boxing in and out effects and what not, with an audio file of 'roobarooo' playing in the background. That was the first time I had seen a computer like that, which was just beautiful. For a non-materialistic person like me, calling a computer beautiful means something. The relationship SNK had with her comp was special, she literally made it her best friend, her child, her pet, her companion...

Now why am I writing a post about a 'special computer', that too my friend's computer, a friend who is not too close, and above everything else, something that happened 2 years ago and may not even be the same anymore? The reason for this is that I didn't know at that time, that a name I heard so randomly would become such an integral part of my life 2 years later. A name that I had known while transferring something via bluetooth, the name my friend gave to her computer. To a non-malayali, this sounded like the name of a baby elephant then :| . Maybe cuz as a kid I had seen a movie with an elephant with a similar name. But that was it, it was just a fleeting thought and I forgot about it. Or so I thought...

Two years later, that is now, a few months back...I met this person, who shared things with me on numerous occasions. It started out with formality, then practical help, then a little bit of fun, and then finally reached the level of a mashed potato containing bits of fun, frolic, great times, useless moments and a huge coating of emotional support. Amidst all this, at a time without realizing it, I named this friend after that beautiful comp. Why I named her that, I wasn't quite sure at that time, probably just because I was trying hard to find a 'funny' nick for her. But now when I think about it I realise that I associate her with all the relationships SNK had associated her comp with...companion, kid, pet, and even though it might be too early to say this, one of my best friends :) A name that was so randomly heard and buried at the corner of my memory came out at the apt time, suited for the right person...

Seven years back, there was a time when I was in the lowest of lows, with no one to confide my sorrows in, no one whom i could call a true friend. That time someone had come into my life like an angel, and lifted me up like a feather, showing me the brighter parts of the world, the more colourful aspects of life, and brought out my true personality. Lots of things happened since then, and the past 2 years somehow became a near-repeat telecast of what happened before I met this angel, where in I can say I pretty much lost myself in the midst of all the events happening. I missed this angel of mine a lot, someone who isn't there in my life anymore. Never had I thought that God would send me another one...another person who would be able to see me for what I am, appreciate me for my nature, and love me because of my emotional nature...something that I had started to think was my biggest drawback. She was with me when I needed someone ...when I was alone, when I was bored, when I just needed to be quiet, or when I needed fun, she was always there. I had thought that I have lost the capability to express myself. She pulled me out of that shell and made me feel that she genuinely cares about me, my feelings, my thoughts and my emotions. Without me having to ask for anything, she would just write smses, emails or anything to make my day, make me feel that I am special just the way I am. I used to think that only a partner can make someone feel this way...but she made me realize that it just takes a person with equal understanding of emotions and feelings to make another person feel so secure and loved and cared for and confident, no matter what the relationship is. She made me realize how my friends would have felt when I did something for them. I had thought that I will never be able to get the same importance from my friends as I give them, but I was mistaken. I had my best birthday ever this year...and even though I can't thank everyone who were a part of it enough, I knew that my expectations were more than matched for the very first time...because of her.

Today, when I think of leaving this place with a heavy heart, I can say with utmost confidence, that the strength required to do this without sinking into depression has been given to me by her, who I know would be with me in this transition, and remind me of who I am, what I love, what I am capable of, and what I mean to this world. Whatever I write in this post cannot truly describe the gratitude I have in my heart to God for giving me an angel again...to guide me out of my blue phase. I guess I can just say that I bumped into a bumper offer when God decided to display a computer sale... :) :) :)

Overdose of emotions

2009-04-26T11:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. I am leaving a place where I spent the last couple of years away from home, cribbing about it every now and then. But, it did become my life. Everything about it, the people, the places, the conveniences and what not. I try to tell myself, change is good, and I really am wanting that change, but I just can't stop feeling sad or overwhelmed about the fact that I am leaving in a month's time. Everyday I just think of how it would be when I don't have this aspect of my life here anymore and it tears me apart. Seriously, just don't know what to do...

A fallen stack of cards

2009-04-24T20:57:00.000-07:00

Someone once gave me this thing called a blue day book. It has pictures of all sorts of animals, pouting, showing puppy-eyes, snuggled in and what not. Its supposed to cheer you up when you are blue. But somehow it doesn't really help when you actually need it. Today, or rather yesterday was one such day.

I got a piece of news yesterday, that something I was really looking forward to above many things will not happen anymore. I had planned out so many things based on that, and its not planning of fun events (which keep falling out which is no big deal), but some time to spend with someone who matters a lot and whom I wont be meeting again for a long time once I take off from here. And its not just that. My stupid ankle prevents me from reaching out and doing things for this person, going to my favourite spots here, and basically having my last few moments of my time here after all these years. I had thought that when I make the trip again, for a week, when my injury would have healed, I will do all the things I had wanted to do, with my favourite person. But now, thats not happening. Really, when I heard this yesterday, it felt like a huge stack of cards, which I was building carefully at every stage in the past couple of years, suddenly came crashing down. I wonder if anyone really understands all the feelings that I went through. Well obviously no one will understand completely but I had hoped that at least this one person does.

I was in a sort of an uncontrollable state of mind yesterday, where you want to just scream out whatever is bothering you, even if that is a compilation of all the botherings for the past 2 years. And I did that, well not scream, but say it out to this one person. I knew while saying it that its just a matter of time that this would backfire (even though I felt I have a right to do this with my closest being without being careful ), and it did. It backfired like bad. Why do I have to end up feeling like the bad person here? Everything I do or say becomes like the wrong thing to have done. The world is full of practical people and their reasons, but does one ever think that the practicalities of the outside world can be tackled with much more ease if you can be totally yourself with somebody. Isn't it just reasonable to ask for this one person with whom you need not be practical? It was a blow on me yesterday, whatever happened, and yet I have to push it aside and be practical. Cuz if I am not, then I am the weak one, the one who needs to realise that 'no can help you, you alone can help yourself', Im the one who is a fool for thinking so deeply about one thing. If there is one thing that I can wish for at the moment, it is this, that please make me so merciless and practical and emotionless that the people who preach practicality look like emotional wrecks in front of me.

Yes I know whatever happens is for the best but you can't keep smiling at everything saying this is for the best so lets not be upset. I hate the way things are today, and I just hate everything right now. I know that everything is relative but what the heck this is one of the days when I feel everything is pointless, useless, over...just like a fallen stack of cards...

The Harry Potter Freaks!

2009-04-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

Can't believe I actually found some people who are as obsessed with the Harry Potter world if not more (actually I think it IS more!). Well I don't really claim to be like the biggest fan of the series or something, but I do have my own version of the HP mania :)

So ya here I mention again my accident, without going into the details. Apart from giving me a recall into the blogging world, it also did me some more great favours. Two of my new-found friends, who do not have to go to any class or any work-place at the moment because of exams, have been keeping me company throughout this otherwise-would-have-been-such-a-lonely-and-frustrating week. Yes its been a week that I fell. And I wasn't left alone to the mercy of my foot for a single day :) Apart from cracking jokes, watching funny youtube videos, being beside me quietly when I went into my shell, bringing me food, these guys made my time a hundred times more enjoyable by showing more enthusiasm than me at the prospect of the Harry-Potter movie watching marathon! I have the whole series with me, well the first five as the other two aren't out yet. And seeing that in my collection, one of them suggested having a marathon movie session! I can't even express how thrilled and surprised I was at the same time. I mean I have seen these movies again and again and thought it was just me and my little sister who understood and enjoyed the concept of watching an already seen movie over and over again, comment on the scenes, rewind the scenes a hundred times to watch a favourite dialogue or action etc. I mean I used to get to hear the usual 'these are for kids' dialogues every now n then from people...But these guys even surpassed that! Not only did we watch the movies, we showed off how much we knew the dialogues, criticized them about not being accurately matched with the book (well that can never happen, books are always better) and swooned over the characters! :D It was then that I realized that if I am an HP maniac, these guys are HP freaks!!! They remember each and every detail of the book even! And I was thinking I am crazy...

Staying up till 5 am and kicking each other for even looking slightly sleepy, we finally finished the five movies last night, or technically today morning! After some six hours of sleep, dreaming of Harry Potter coming to our place and befriending us (ok that was only my dream, not the others'), I finally woke up at 11:30 am. After freshening up, when I sit down to write this post, and the two of them wake up, I just ask one of them to show me the trailers for the 6th movie realeasing this July (as they had mentioned to me last night that some new trailers were out), I couldn't believe she was actually downloading the trailers already for me!!! The other one comes out of the bathroom and starts a 'fully-harry-pottered' conversation! I mean I was not the only one thinking of it throughout the night, in my dreams and the first thing in the morning as well...

Its just an amazing feeling when you connect with people based on common passions/obsessions/mania/interests, whatever you call it. And now if I think back, its not just the HP series, but the HSM series (for which we had an earlier marathon), Thai Express, 17-again, long emails, chain smses, quest for English-correction, British accent, 'cheese' and so much more that I have shared with these guys without having to think if they are getting bored or rather keeping mum about how much I enjoy these things.

To say everything in one sentence, I'd say that my college days were the best days of my life, and spending this one week (and much more earlier at the dog-abode) reminds me of my college days like nothing else does...MG and Clueless, you guys rock!!! Seriously, without you guys, I don't know how I would have spent these days alone at home. Thanks for coming into my life :)

So I start blogging...

2009-04-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, this would not really be a 'first blog', I mean I have a site where I used to post stuff quite regularly at one point of time. But then, without realizing, I drifted away from myself...from things I love to do, one of them being writing. So why back again to the abode of the expressive ones?? Lots of reasons I'd say...the biggest one being the most common excuse in the world, time.

So yeah, I have had a lot of time for myself in the past few days, thanks to my little accident. I sprained my ankle really badly, tore a couple of ligaments and am now dependent on a robotic looking thing called 'leg walker'. It certainly does help me walk, without which I can't even limp around, but its still painful, and I am supposed to be taking bed rest for a few days. What happened that led to this accident is a long and dramatic story, which I won't do justice to if I abridge here. That will be a separate post, sometime later when I feel like it. Now I just feel like making myself comfortable in this abode.

It feels great to be typing out my feelings again, only this time I have chosen to keep a low 'profile'. No matter how expressive one is, I believe a lot gets filtered if you tell the web who you are. And I don't want to filter anything now. This is the place where I am who I am, completely, a place where I don't have to please anyone or be apprehensive about offending anyone. Its my space, where I can lay out the intricacies, simplicities and complications of my feelings and emotions without trying to blend in with the world's practicalities.

So here I am, and I promise myself to be a regular this time, and not let anything or anyone else attain priority over this part of me. And to begin with a positive note, I would like to say that I am lucky to find a dear friend, a sweetheart, who re-introduced me to myself, reminded me of who I am, and brought me back to this space...thanks so much MG...you have no idea what this means to me :)