Sunday, January 23, 2011

Around her world in 3267 days...

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...

Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.

However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?

Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...

D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to him in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...

The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...

Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...

D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...

After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.

There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.

She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.

And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...

To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...

Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...

A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -

1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be

2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.

3. Always give priority to what you think is right

4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours

5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's does not exist

6. No one loves you more than himself/herself

7. Life is black or white, single or committed.

8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT

9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS

10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one

11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way

12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you

13. Be yourself completely

14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you

15. Its good to be mean at times

16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.

17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.

18. Its good to swear sometimes.

19. No one is close to God.

20. Never let people trample your self esteem

21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.

22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.

23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.

24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like a ROBOT

25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...

Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!

AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED FEELINGS!!!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Tracking a dot in the middle of the skies

Flight trackers are such a blessing I must say. Thousands of flights are flying all over the skies everyday from one direction to another, all of them being tracked or traced, monitored etc. Sometimes these tracking sites throw out results like "Flight over large water body, so untrackable"....feels so weird.

But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.

But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is... month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...

Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...



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