Sunday, October 11, 2009
Credit card, Free Books, Aloo da paratha, massive cleaning, Chicken Rezala, and DDLJ with French Vanilla Coffee!!!!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
I am jus tired of getting to hear accuses...about how I am. To hell with trying to make people feel good. No one realises the worth of it...why am I a fool to keep thinking of how to make someone smile then? Be it family or others now...
I wont do it then...if this is such a 'childish' trait of mine, then today I leave it behind me...just...no more surprises...for anyone...
some wounds are just so deep, they keep getting moist very easily. The last time my friend had actually tagged me as unnecessarily causing tension just because i was upset that a surprise got leaked out...when i was told not to organise surprises if it means getting all upset if it doesnt work out. I mean I am not even doing anything for myself. Its for someone else, and when I am putting my 100 percent to it, just to see the look of excitement on the other person, if somehow the thing gets out, I cant even get upset? Then Im told, there is no need for this! What the hell people, a reaction about something which you are so involved in, can I not even get the license to do that without being accused and tagged?
I thought I had forgotten it. But today when something similar was said to me, my frustration increased manifold because of this past wound. Thats what multiplied my agony. Horrible...I mean...I don't know what to say...after all if I say something, then I become a 'baby'...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Today was a repeat telecast. The same concept of my friends staying over night as my parents aren't home. The same people except for one who was replaced by a new member. Well this one wasnt really a friend but a friend of a friend. It started with disappointment due to miscommunication wherein two of them had made other plans. And then discomfort amidst the rest due to irritation. Then there was ordering of food stuff and drinks. Followed by a game of cards called flash. Everyone was enjoying, and it looked good. But I guess I am never gonna be a cards person. I felt a little left out, in my own house, what an irony!! But spoke to a dear one and felt better...really felt better :) Felt like I have someone my own :) that really helped...and then I came back to the scene.
Those two who had gone off returned, and then the party began! Loud music, youtubing and dance dance n dance. Well I did have a lot of fun! And now it seems like it will be a repeat telecast! The members are the same...I cant believe it :) And we are about to play some games. I am feeling damn nostalgic, and I am sure it will be a night to remember...yet again !
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...
No I am not wrong...
Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...
my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...
lots of love, urs, bambi...
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Its been so long that I gave any time to myself. Its been so long. I feel like I have neglected myself so much that its made me liable to being hurt and insulted by almost anyone. Its so important to love yourself more than anyone else so that you can stand by what you feel is right, stand by yourself. Many people I know can do it so well. I wonder why I cant. Everyone says that 'this is what I think, I cant help it if you think otherwise'. Why cant I be firm on that as well?? For me, it always boils down to what the other person might have felt or been thinking. Ultimately I give importance to that...
I guess I havent mentioned clearly here. But my last few years were spent in Singapore. I was studying there for 2 years and then worked for 2 years. I had a very intense learning experience. In all aspects. Met various people and learnt so much about how different people can be. Ive realised one thing, how important it is to not lose yourself when you are amidst people who are not like you. Its very easy to fall into the trap of doubting yourself and considering yourself as the faulty one when the bottomline is just that you are different. And I became a victim of that trap. I fell straight into it, and ever since have been struggling to pull myself out of it. Even if I am very close to freeing myself, just one particular turn entangles me again into the trap with such intensity that all the efforts of trying to come out of it go waste.
I think I have invested everything in the past few years to just relationships, be it any form of relationship. And what happens is that if I take a step back, and I see the other person feeling even slightly bad about it, I just give up what I was standing for and channalize all my efforts to just placate that person. And then at the end of all this, I expose myself to being hit hard.
What is love? Love is what you feel for someone, be it anyone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends or your significant other. It is such a strong feeling that it engulfs you, it makes you do everything you never imagined, makes you forget yourself and just do things for the one you love. But after all, no one is a saint. You try to be the best person possible, try to control all your senses and just do things for the people you love...but after all you are human too. Even you have your ups and downs, there are days when you just want to be loved for who you are and not be controlled and guarded. It is this time when you need someone to tell you that you are loved, that you are a good person, that you are beautiful the way you are, that you are understood. Is not being able to be guarded all the time a bad thing? If one is unable to be the best person for one out of six days, does it completely undo the efforts the person made for the rest five days? And then you are quoted as not talking sense, stupid and trying to justify what is not right. You feel blamed for something which you dont feel wrong, but the other person constantly and firmly says, 'this is what i think..and even if you think otherwise, you are wrong in justifying yourself...'
Love is perhaps the most beautiful feeling in this world...it helps you become a better person. But at the cost of laying your heart in the hands of someone else...I know I have certain qualities which make me stand aside from many others, I know I have learnt to be able to do certain things which my parents have taught me and which I am glad to have...but when I need to reassure myself of the fact that I am not wrong, I am unable to do that and just get a finger pointed at about how I am immature...
A song which I truly believe in is this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ONo4RiIaE and I belong to the same category...is it such a crime?
Friday, May 29, 2009
I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...
The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...
Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(
Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...
Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.
As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...
But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(
I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...
I think, I miss my family...
As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...
Love you bloggie...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
1. The most common one is the 'push-up'. A twitch or itch, and the whole hand goes and pushes the nose up with full force, making it look like a pig's snout. I mean why does it have to be pushed up like that, it can just be slightly scratched, pulled at gently, or the horizontal finger movement putting your forefinger on the septum also suffices. It need not be pushed up to 180 degrees, making the person look ugly and at the same time creating a 'line of bend' in the middle of the nose surface.
2. Of course there is picking of the nose! This is not only ugly, but dirty too. Yes we all have phlegm. And it needs to be thrown out of the system, very well acknowledged. But it need not be done publicly using your finger nails to scratch out the 'substance', and then wipe your finger under the table. Cleaning your olfactory asset is a must for everyone, but the art of 'nose-picking' need not be so graphically displayed !
3. Then comes the flaring up of nostrils. This is my favourite part. Hehe, or rather least favourite part. I can go on and on writing about this. Everyone has different kinds of nostrils, long, short, huge, tiny, pointed, round and what not. Its very strange how these shapes hit the eye only when they are flared up. I would say the tiny round ones are the most fortunate, as the shape doesn't change for them even when they are flared up, but the most unfortunate ones are the pointed ones. One they are flared, they suddenly enlarge from the sides, and become more pointed than ever. Something like a 'lying down' isosceles triangle with the 2 arms being the upper and lower edges of the nostril and the base forming the third edge, vertically, but curved. Now when the nostril gets flared up, the point connecting the curved base and the upper-edge arm gets very fiercely pointed, and the curvy part gets bigger and rounder. Something like this.
And to top it up, somehow people who have this very prominent nostril-flare, also invariably end up flaring it most of the time! It becomes a part of their expressions, conversations, everything. Giving just a look to someone will not just be through the eye, eyebrow or lips (which are the usual pre-requisites for giving looks), but also through a flared nostril ! I used to wonder whether actually it is everyone who does it and its just very prominent for people with pointed nostrils but no, the ones with these pointed ones tend to exhibit them much more. Why that happens I really don't know. There are people who just cant have a normal conversation without flaring their nostrils. I mean usually nostrils are flared when one is breathing heavily, yawning or is angry. Yes there are exceptions to all categories here, but Im mentioning the most frequently occuring observation. Ok shape of a nostril and even the nose for that matter is something we can't do anything about. Some are really lucky, have beautiful noses and nostrils, some have one good, the other not-so-good, but some are the other extreme - huge prominent nose with prominent nostrils. We all have to live with it. But the flaring bit is voluntary right? If one wants to make their nostrils noticed, then its another thing, but being aware of how you look if you have prominent nostrils and when you flare them up all the time, is important for the sake of the visual comfort of people around. Trust me, half of the time the attention gets diverted from what you are saying to how you are distorting your prominent asset!
4. What else, their are noses with nose-hair sticking out. Hehe, everyone has nose-hair, but if you have even a slightly pointed up nose or nostril, it sticks out, making it look like a mucosal display! I know, one can't do much about this, but Im sure it can be trimmed slightly if its too prominent.
5. And yes, some people just love to fiddle with their noses all the time. Touch it, squeeze it, pinch it, push a nostril with a finger making it look like an 'almost-nose-pick' and what not! Oh come on, give the poor thing a rest, after all it helps you do the thing you need to sustain - breathe, give it some respect for that!
I think this is one of the observations that has always had an effect on me ever since I was a child. I used to hate it when some people closely related to me used to push up their nose when they had a cold or flare up their nostrils. Hehe, I have learnt over the years that its just something very natural, something which you can't care about all the time. I myself do some of the things mentioned above (except the nose-picking bit!), and I know one can't really be all sophisticated all the time. But mind you, I still stand by the fact that it is one of the amusing and sometimes unpleasant visual distractions one sees in people.
I used to feel that its only me who notices and gets affected by these observations, but of late, I realized that its not just me, when someone actually came and displayed their irritation on the way the other person's imposing personality was enhanced by a particularly prominent constant nose-flaring. There are other oddities of the facial expressions too, like hanging your lower lip exposing your gums, frothing your mouth while speaking too much because of not gulping your saliva etc., but the nose, and the nostrils are just the best! I don't think anything else catches as much attention as these 2 brothers do.
I do not claim to be an epitome of sophistication at all, but penning down this observation which has been there in me since I was a child was quite amusing and fun I must say. No offense meant to anyone whatsoever :)
Friday, May 8, 2009
I love you Bloggie :)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Im sick of certain things in my life...I just want to make some ammendments. And I will, very soon. Just need to gather certain belongings first...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Its been almost two years now that I haven't met him. I am out of that lab now and so is he. After all that he made me go through for two years, I decided to remember just the good part of it wherein he had taught me the correct way of using pipettes, something which I can call a skill I possess now. Very recently, I learnt that another co-member of that lab (who is also out of the lab now), became a father. It was great news. I always had a good equation with him, not to mention he was also one of the major contributors for my most recent accomplishment, my PhD admission. I was genuinely happy for him. Surprisingly, this guy had a good relation with the mean guy. I think it was the age factor, he was older than the meano, and hence received some respect from him, something that a 'minor' like me is not entitled to !!
Today, I just saw him online, I mean the meano. And the most annoying altruistically bent attitude that I have in these regards, I 'pinged' him on gmail chat. I said, "Hi ***, how are you doing?" Surprisingly he replied, "I am doing fine". I said, "I thought I should let you know that (nice guy) had a baby child recently". He said, "Oh, great news". Wow, I thought, for a change he is being responsive, being good, being normal! Maybe he has changed, maybe going away to a different country brought him down, maybe he has become a more polite person, maybe he now considers me old or rather qualified enough to give me some respect. I thought, ok let me initiate a conversation, maybe he isn't such a bad person after all, maybe I can change my opinion about him. I said, "how is your wife (his mean monopolizing girlfriend who I knew too)?".... no answer.... hmm, I thought, was I too fast in thinking he has changed? Then I quickly corrected myself - its just chat! he might be busy with something or may not be on his desk! So I thought, let me say something else. I said, "I am joining you guys soon". Immediate reply - "where??". Oh so he wasn't busy or anything. He really did not reply deliberately. I was beginning to regret having messaged him, but I couldn't just leave the conversation there. Well, now to think of it, I could have, and rather, should have. But its me again, I ALWAYS create such situations for myself. I said, " I am coming to the Univ of *****, in the **** program", and like a fool, I expected him to say, "congrats", or even "great", or even a mere "oh all the best" that would have sufficed. After all he was my lab senior for 2 years, this would have meant at least one little teeny weeny bit to him. And then, after what seemed like ages, he wrote, "good for you"...
Wow, that's a really nice way of wishing someone for anything. I even tried to think if it was just a way of wishing someone in some dialect or slang or whatever, but I know him! He does not use such phrases. I have seen him be really polite to people, people who he probably feels 'worthy' of giving respect. I felt like hitting my head. What a fool I was to get myself to feel this way from a totally worthless person. I hate him, really, maybe the only person ever that I really hate. And inspite of that, I wrote, ":) anyway, give my greetings to **** (your wife who deserves you)"...and...no reply...
Seriously, some people never change...and I guess that includes me too. I don't know if I have still learnt my lesson. For all I know, I will try to find ways to put this grudge also behind me. Yeah I know that its supposed to be a good thing, but there is definitely NOTHING I feel good about what I did...the way I invited this for myself...
Monday, May 4, 2009
BEING IN TWENTIES – SOMETHING…
Thought this couldn't be more appropriate for us...
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling onto the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion
for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.
We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis….
They call it Quarter-life Crisis. I call it the Sine-Curve Insanity....
Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P
1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?
I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)
2) Does your family know about your blog?
Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!
3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?
Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)
4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?
Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.
5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?
I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.
6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
As of now, I know all of them.
7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?
Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)
8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?
I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.
9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?
I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.
10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?
I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.
11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?
I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????
12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?
I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.
13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?
Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...
I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(
14) Five bloggers to be the next "victims"?
One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...
Here's the second one...
Here's the second one...
3 Smells I love:
1. Smell of wet earth
2. My mom's chicken curry
3 Smells I hate:
This one is easy :D
1. Smell of dirty toilets
2. Bad breath
3. Rotten food
3 Jobs that I have had in my life:
1. Research Assistant in a lab
2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress
3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society
3 Movies that I could watch over and over:
1. All the Harry Potter Movies
2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)
There are many more :)
3 Fond memories:
1. My 24th birthday surprise
2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to
3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.
3 Jobs I would love to have:
1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.
2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners
3. A career counsellor in a university
3 Things I like to do:
2. Spend time with my loved ones
3 Of my favorite foods:
1. JUNK FOOD!!!
2. Paneer dishes
3. Lady's finger preparations
3 Places I would like to be right now:
1. Next to my grandparents
2. In my ex-college with my friends
3. A dance school
3 Things that make me cry:
1. A fight with a loved one
2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express
3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly
This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...
Friday, May 1, 2009
One of my real close friends had come back from a conference abroad with much happiness at the success of the presentation. We were all happy and about to go out for a dinner treat by this friend, followed by the movie '17 again'. We were about 8 of us, split up to reach the dining place. As four of us got out of the cab, I suddenly asked this friend where my phone was. While asking itself I realized that it was left in the cab. Panic stricken, I took my friend's phone, opened the call log, and at the same time ran towards the cab which had already left in a particular direction. As I was just about to press the green button to call my phone, I felt a series of sensations all together in a fraction of a second - shock, pain, embarrassment and realization of what happened. Missing a step down, I had landed with full force on my completely twisted right ankle....OUCH! The next few minutes were eventful. I stumbled and sat down in the middle of a car park. I don't think anyone realized the fact that it was really painful as one of them was still with the phone. I could feel that I was losing myself. That was when another friend came n sat down next to me and went like, "do you want to lie down?". I felt this excruciating pain going up my body to my head and I just announced, "I think I am going to faint", and lay down on the road. The next thing that I know is there are people screaming around me..."Someone give her water", "move aside, move aside". Someone had held up my head, my head was wet with water, my glasses had been removed, my slippers were off and I heard a man ask my name. And I heard my friend answering. It was the ambulance guy. He was very gently saying, "I will just slowly lift you here", feeling my ankle, asking me where it is paining and all that. While answering him I realized I was crying :| Don't know if it was pain or shock! Then I was lifted onto a stretcher and put in the ambulance (for the first time). It felt really strange. I felt like I am some wounded soldier being rushed to the hospital for surgery :| :| :| Really felt like I am amidst strangers until I heard my friend. We reached the hospital, and I was taken on a bed into some ward which seemed like it was kilometres away. My friend had gone off to register. Then the ambulance guys just halted my bed amidst many others and left. I was lying there half blind, among some unknown people, in an unknown hospital with ill patients vomiting around me. It was intimidating. And yeah, I had lost my phone so I couldn't really call anyone. Then some nurse just pushed my bed forward and without saying a word started checkin my blood pressure. I just wanted to know where I was !!! Finally, after what felt like hours, my friend came and held my hand and said, 'Everything will be alright'. That felt like some warm stream of life flowing into my cold hands and feet. I heaved a sigh of relief...
I had passed out on the road for nearly 5 minutes I was told. Well the proceedings after that were normal - tests, screens, doctors, nurses, pain-killers, wheelchairs and the usual procedures. In between my glasses and slippers were delivered to me. All the other friends had reached the hospital, and were waving to me from a glass door some distance away. My friend who was with me went like, "see your fans are waving". It was funny. We got all the things done, paid the money (thanks to insurance it was menial), got the orthopedic doctor's appointment for a few days later and then went out of the hospital. I couldn't even stand. I had to be lifted into the lift (weird phrase) and then we went to my friend's place, ordered food and had dinner there. That was one eventful friday...
Bone is fine, but I tore 2 ligaments and now have to wear this huge iron-man looking boot which is damn tight and is supposed to prevent any weight on the ankle. Its super irritating to keep limping, but at least its better than the first 5 days when I needed crutches and a chair with wheels to go to the bathroom in the same room! Man that was horrible...
Well...this is life. My ankle is still taking time to heal. Its painful to stand even now, and I havent started my physiotherapy sessions due to lack of early appointments. Today is Friday. After 2 weeks, yesterday we finally did watch 17 again, and even the treat was done a week back. Im trying to work as much as I can, but I really can't do much, Im like exerting myself too much even now. Just few more days for me to leave, had so much to do, and now, if I feel like doing something I am incapable of, I just can't stop cursing,
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
No, nothing happened that made me write this. I guess its just a realization that came to me when I could see myself as I saw my mother a few years back. Just as a note to her, I love you Ma, for everything that you are. You are the world's best woman in my life...
Amm...sorry that took like 10 minutes...and it still doesnt give me that feeling :( But nevermind, I'll try to get into a bubble and use this comp now...
So you guys (whoever does read this post) must be wondering what I am talking about. There was a friend of mine, SNK, a couple of years back. She still is a friend but we don't meet that often nowadays. Anyway, I met her at a time when she was in her 2nd year of PhD, and was just slowly getting accustomed to the many gadgets evolving in the markets around the world. Finally after much research and thought, she bought a mac, I think Powerbook. It was a beauty. And the way she maintained it was amazing. She used all the accessories possible, and customized her screen with various stick-ons. Her screensaver was a slideshow of her photographs, in the mac way, having 3D boxing in and out effects and what not, with an audio file of 'roobarooo' playing in the background. That was the first time I had seen a computer like that, which was just beautiful. For a non-materialistic person like me, calling a computer beautiful means something. The relationship SNK had with her comp was special, she literally made it her best friend, her child, her pet, her companion...
Now why am I writing a post about a 'special computer', that too my friend's computer, a friend who is not too close, and above everything else, something that happened 2 years ago and may not even be the same anymore? The reason for this is that I didn't know at that time, that a name I heard so randomly would become such an integral part of my life 2 years later. A name that I had known while transferring something via bluetooth, the name my friend gave to her computer. To a non-malayali, this sounded like the name of a baby elephant then :| . Maybe cuz as a kid I had seen a movie with an elephant with a similar name. But that was it, it was just a fleeting thought and I forgot about it. Or so I thought...
Two years later, that is now, a few months back...I met this person, who shared things with me on numerous occasions. It started out with formality, then practical help, then a little bit of fun, and then finally reached the level of a mashed potato containing bits of fun, frolic, great times, useless moments and a huge coating of emotional support. Amidst all this, at a time without realizing it, I named this friend after that beautiful comp. Why I named her that, I wasn't quite sure at that time, probably just because I was trying hard to find a 'funny' nick for her. But now when I think about it I realise that I associate her with all the relationships SNK had associated her comp with...companion, kid, pet, and even though it might be too early to say this, one of my best friends :) A name that was so randomly heard and buried at the corner of my memory came out at the apt time, suited for the right person...
Seven years back, there was a time when I was in the lowest of lows, with no one to confide my sorrows in, no one whom i could call a true friend. That time someone had come into my life like an angel, and lifted me up like a feather, showing me the brighter parts of the world, the more colourful aspects of life, and brought out my true personality. Lots of things happened since then, and the past 2 years somehow became a near-repeat telecast of what happened before I met this angel, where in I can say I pretty much lost myself in the midst of all the events happening. I missed this angel of mine a lot, someone who isn't there in my life anymore. Never had I thought that God would send me another one...another person who would be able to see me for what I am, appreciate me for my nature, and love me because of my emotional nature...something that I had started to think was my biggest drawback. She was with me when I needed someone ...when I was alone, when I was bored, when I just needed to be quiet, or when I needed fun, she was always there. I had thought that I have lost the capability to express myself. She pulled me out of that shell and made me feel that she genuinely cares about me, my feelings, my thoughts and my emotions. Without me having to ask for anything, she would just write smses, emails or anything to make my day, make me feel that I am special just the way I am. I used to think that only a partner can make someone feel this way...but she made me realize that it just takes a person with equal understanding of emotions and feelings to make another person feel so secure and loved and cared for and confident, no matter what the relationship is. She made me realize how my friends would have felt when I did something for them. I had thought that I will never be able to get the same importance from my friends as I give them, but I was mistaken. I had my best birthday ever this year...and even though I can't thank everyone who were a part of it enough, I knew that my expectations were more than matched for the very first time...because of her.
Today, when I think of leaving this place with a heavy heart, I can say with utmost confidence, that the strength required to do this without sinking into depression has been given to me by her, who I know would be with me in this transition, and remind me of who I am, what I love, what I am capable of, and what I mean to this world. Whatever I write in this post cannot truly describe the gratitude I have in my heart to God for giving me an angel again...to guide me out of my blue phase. I guess I can just say that I bumped into a bumper offer when God decided to display a computer sale... :) :) :)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
I got a piece of news yesterday, that something I was really looking forward to above many things will not happen anymore. I had planned out so many things based on that, and its not planning of fun events (which keep falling out which is no big deal), but some time to spend with someone who matters a lot and whom I wont be meeting again for a long time once I take off from here. And its not just that. My stupid ankle prevents me from reaching out and doing things for this person, going to my favourite spots here, and basically having my last few moments of my time here after all these years. I had thought that when I make the trip again, for a week, when my injury would have healed, I will do all the things I had wanted to do, with my favourite person. But now, thats not happening. Really, when I heard this yesterday, it felt like a huge stack of cards, which I was building carefully at every stage in the past couple of years, suddenly came crashing down. I wonder if anyone really understands all the feelings that I went through. Well obviously no one will understand completely but I had hoped that at least this one person does.
I was in a sort of an uncontrollable state of mind yesterday, where you want to just scream out whatever is bothering you, even if that is a compilation of all the botherings for the past 2 years. And I did that, well not scream, but say it out to this one person. I knew while saying it that its just a matter of time that this would backfire (even though I felt I have a right to do this with my closest being without being careful ), and it did. It backfired like bad. Why do I have to end up feeling like the bad person here? Everything I do or say becomes like the wrong thing to have done. The world is full of practical people and their reasons, but does one ever think that the practicalities of the outside world can be tackled with much more ease if you can be totally yourself with somebody. Isn't it just reasonable to ask for this one person with whom you need not be practical? It was a blow on me yesterday, whatever happened, and yet I have to push it aside and be practical. Cuz if I am not, then I am the weak one, the one who needs to realise that 'no can help you, you alone can help yourself', Im the one who is a fool for thinking so deeply about one thing. If there is one thing that I can wish for at the moment, it is this, that please make me so merciless and practical and emotionless that the people who preach practicality look like emotional wrecks in front of me.
Yes I know whatever happens is for the best but you can't keep smiling at everything saying this is for the best so lets not be upset. I hate the way things are today, and I just hate everything right now. I know that everything is relative but what the heck this is one of the days when I feel everything is pointless, useless, over...just like a fallen stack of cards...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
So ya here I mention again my accident, without going into the details. Apart from giving me a recall into the blogging world, it also did me some more great favours. Two of my new-found friends, who do not have to go to any class or any work-place at the moment because of exams, have been keeping me company throughout this otherwise-would-have-been-such-a-lonely-and-frustrating week. Yes its been a week that I fell. And I wasn't left alone to the mercy of my foot for a single day :) Apart from cracking jokes, watching funny youtube videos, being beside me quietly when I went into my shell, bringing me food, these guys made my time a hundred times more enjoyable by showing more enthusiasm than me at the prospect of the Harry-Potter movie watching marathon! I have the whole series with me, well the first five as the other two aren't out yet. And seeing that in my collection, one of them suggested having a marathon movie session! I can't even express how thrilled and surprised I was at the same time. I mean I have seen these movies again and again and thought it was just me and my little sister who understood and enjoyed the concept of watching an already seen movie over and over again, comment on the scenes, rewind the scenes a hundred times to watch a favourite dialogue or action etc. I mean I used to get to hear the usual 'these are for kids' dialogues every now n then from people...But these guys even surpassed that! Not only did we watch the movies, we showed off how much we knew the dialogues, criticized them about not being accurately matched with the book (well that can never happen, books are always better) and swooned over the characters! :D It was then that I realized that if I am an HP maniac, these guys are HP freaks!!! They remember each and every detail of the book even! And I was thinking I am crazy...
Staying up till 5 am and kicking each other for even looking slightly sleepy, we finally finished the five movies last night, or technically today morning! After some six hours of sleep, dreaming of Harry Potter coming to our place and befriending us (ok that was only my dream, not the others'), I finally woke up at 11:30 am. After freshening up, when I sit down to write this post, and the two of them wake up, I just ask one of them to show me the trailers for the 6th movie realeasing this July (as they had mentioned to me last night that some new trailers were out), I couldn't believe she was actually downloading the trailers already for me!!! The other one comes out of the bathroom and starts a 'fully-harry-pottered' conversation! I mean I was not the only one thinking of it throughout the night, in my dreams and the first thing in the morning as well...
Its just an amazing feeling when you connect with people based on common passions/obsessions/mania/interests, whatever you call it. And now if I think back, its not just the HP series, but the HSM series (for which we had an earlier marathon), Thai Express, 17-again, long emails, chain smses, quest for English-correction, British accent, 'cheese' and so much more that I have shared with these guys without having to think if they are getting bored or rather keeping mum about how much I enjoy these things.
To say everything in one sentence, I'd say that my college days were the best days of my life, and spending this one week (and much more earlier at the dog-abode) reminds me of my college days like nothing else does...MG and Clueless, you guys rock!!! Seriously, without you guys, I don't know how I would have spent these days alone at home. Thanks for coming into my life :)
So yeah, I have had a lot of time for myself in the past few days, thanks to my little accident. I sprained my ankle really badly, tore a couple of ligaments and am now dependent on a robotic looking thing called 'leg walker'. It certainly does help me walk, without which I can't even limp around, but its still painful, and I am supposed to be taking bed rest for a few days. What happened that led to this accident is a long and dramatic story, which I won't do justice to if I abridge here. That will be a separate post, sometime later when I feel like it. Now I just feel like making myself comfortable in this abode.
It feels great to be typing out my feelings again, only this time I have chosen to keep a low 'profile'. No matter how expressive one is, I believe a lot gets filtered if you tell the web who you are. And I don't want to filter anything now. This is the place where I am who I am, completely, a place where I don't have to please anyone or be apprehensive about offending anyone. Its my space, where I can lay out the intricacies, simplicities and complications of my feelings and emotions without trying to blend in with the world's practicalities.
So here I am, and I promise myself to be a regular this time, and not let anything or anyone else attain priority over this part of me. And to begin with a positive note, I would like to say that I am lucky to find a dear friend, a sweetheart, who re-introduced me to myself, reminded me of who I am, and brought me back to this space...thanks so much MG...you have no idea what this means to me :)