Friday, August 5, 2011


Whats the fault? Why can't happiness, genuine unselfish happiness for someone else cease to backfire? This time, what did I do? Why did you have snatch that feeling away from me again? It can't be that difficult...and there is really nothing much that I ask for. I am doing the right thing, taking the right decisions...then why do you keep testing my patience again and again? I also think Ive been passing each test. How much longer will you keep testing me? Do I not deserve a break? You seem to give me a teaser and then make it the same again. Seriously, I tried to look at everything positively...why can't you assure me that I have taken the right decision? And if it is not the right one, then show me the path. I know I need the assurance at a stretch continuously for it to sink in, and I also know its not too much to ask for...

Just please...want to settle down...from within...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

History repeating itself?

No I am very sure I don't want that. But every force keeps showing me that it is about to. The same thing that happened 4 years ago. Right now I am undergoing a major change in the way I feel about certain things. Its very scary. I had made a compromise, and thought that life would be tough - full of challenges all the time, and sort of accepted that as my destiny. But life is showing me different colors now. And I don't know what to do about it. Change my mind? Completely change the mindset I had built for myself in the past 4 years? I clearly don't want to do that. It would be too much for me to handle. And yes, I am trying here to think of just myself - not anyone else. Cuz that's what Ive always done, given others more importance. But for once, I just want to breathe without worrying, and let things happen. But is it wise to do that? Sometimes its dangerous to completely let go. I really want to do that, as its been a while I did this, bask in the feeling of bliss. Im not saying I haven't been happy in the recent times, but I haven't felt this bliss.

At the same time there is this heart-tearing worry...whats going to happen? Why is the future sooooo uncertain? For God's sake I want some assurance of certainty. I know life is always uncertain and you never know whats in store for you and all that. But really if you ask me, I think Ive had my fair share of uncertainty and Ive had enough of it. I need a break from this uncertainty. Just want to feel happy, live life as it comes. Its an amaaaaaazinggggg feeling to feel beautiful from inside. To feel just content, and to just feel like smiling all the time. Yes I know its upto ourselves to make ourselves happy. And I really honestly have tried a lot in the past few years to do that. Sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. But it was always an effort. The other kind of happiness is something you don't need to make an effort for. Its as easy as breathing. And right now I feel like I really deserve some of that. But the problem is, even if I try to let myself soak in this feeling, there is the worry of the uncertainty in my head. Why can't the cause of the uncertainty change to just make me feel effortlessly happy? Why does this ALWAYS happen? I tried sooooooo hard to not be selfish, to accpet everything, to adjust to everything, to seek happiness in everything. But I feel defeated right now. I feel like for a change I want to sit back and stop making an effort. Let the happiness come to me on its own, and flow with whatever comes my way...cuz I think somewhere inside, I know I deserve it.

But we aren't allowed to do that in life I guess. Cuz then there are consequences which have to be faced. Prevention better than cure and all of that! I just want to be led to the right path, just want to know my answers, Im tired of this. And no, I do not want history to repeat. I don't want these 4 years to go waste...I want it to work. But Im tired of trying...really...tired of this conflict.

Arrrghhhhh I don't think decisions in life should be this difficult. And I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is the matter and it better be sorted out soon...

Monday, May 30, 2011

Holiday Blues

Sounds kinda odd doesn't it? What exactly do holiday blues signify? Blues in yearning for a holiday or blues due to a holiday? Well in my case right now its the latter. Haven't EVER felt this way - getting sick of a holiday feeling!! I mean I love fun, I love vacations...I would always just want vacation!! But today feels different. Had a good weekend full of events, but I am tired now. There was always an unrest about what to plan next, always some event or another. Its summer time, Yay!! But it still is full fledged work time for me. I mean I would be taking a real holiday in a month's time. Maybe that's why having a festive atmosphere at home ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts. Yes its fun, but I feel like I am craving for a routine now. Its funny, never felt this way before. Maybe its a part of growing up...maybe you automatically fall into the disciplinary prioritization mode at a certain phase. Maybe what I used to wonder about settled families as to HOW they can be so organized and follow such a disciplined lifestyle makes some sense now. Its nice though, experiencing this kind of a feeling. Somewhat settling...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Today is better than Yesterday...but, really?

This post is very dear to me...made me realise the difference between writing for yourself and writing for others...

Wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to travel time? Well, in some sense we do, right? A Déjà vu, a coincidental familiarity, a fragrance, a behavior, a face, a body language, a color, an attire, an attitude, a tune, a photograph, some words, and most often, the work of an idle mind's perhaps devilish workshop. Just a trigger and our mind in all its capabilities has raced back in History, reminiscing 'the erstwhile'...

A close friend would often very rightly say, "The past always seems beautiful" during moments of bitter complaining about the current situation. Ever wondered why? Come to think of it, everyone equipped with logic would agree that the bygones seem rosy only in the context of a comparison. However in spite of this knowledge, we still like to take a leap in time and sit on a comfortable couch, viewing the events of the past on a huge LCD monitor of our minds, even if it makes us cry! Is it even worth it? Knowing that we will perhaps yearn for this present moment in the future, we still don't live in the present. All preachings and philosophies point towards the same direction - that of living in the moment, living every day as it comes, living for the present and not the past or the future. But then again, since when did the mind follow the simpler path? It has to be convoluted, something like the strong tendency of this universe to achieve the highest degree of entropy. Geeky, yes, but true! So why not forget about correcting or protecting ourselves from the complications of the mind for a while and marvel the natural penchant of this beautiful and unfathomable part of us?

I guess a considerable part of the person I am is defined by how much I live in yesterday. So much so that one moment I'm arguing with my mom on how much luggage she is carrying, and within a second crying over how I would miss every moment with her tomorrow. I mean that's not even nostalgia, that's preparing for nostalgia! Even though most often it makes me yearn for those moments and dream away rather than doing something productive, I still treasure the 'vintage goodness' associated with the feeling. For a modest contribution by what words can describe, I present to you a memoir of my favorite station in a journey to the past - that of the merlion city, the 'fine' city, Singa land, or how locals call it, Singapura!

Four years, or perhaps a lifetime. Seems like I didn't have enough of my first home away from home. Be it the extreme humid conditions or the bliss in riding MRT trains, any mention of this country brings a smile on my face and a dream in my eyes - a dream to go back there, to walk those streets of NUS again where I spent four years growing up. And literally growing up - from a 20 year old fresh out of the comforts of home, to a much hardened and seasoned person. Oh how I miss taking the twisted route every afternoon from Chemical Biology through the overhead bridge to Chemistry and then taking the elevator, crossing the NMR facility, and walking in the sun to reach Spinelli, its Cookie Spin waiting for me to be bought and relished...the evening snacking on spring rolls and veg paus along with Avocado milkshakes or Vegetarian Pesto in Megabites...the late nights in Kim lab and strolling on the extremely narrow and suicidal(!) balconies of the sixth floor labs in DBS, the 24-hour Cheese Prata and Dadi's shops feeding us hungry grad students middle of the night...the huge cup of Iced Milo and Bee Hoon along with Kaya bread in Jumbo cafe, near Block 21 Dover Crescent, a very important place in my life...bus no. 188 going to Harbor Front, where I would get off, cross the road and get into vivo city, the then biggest mall in Singapore, bus no. 33 taking me to China town, where I would get off at Pagoda Street and buy souvenirs for home...the road from Changi airport to home, where every tree would have its branches bent in the exact same angle along with every other artificial arrangement in the country (something I would bicker about all the time)...the bike path along the canal at the end of Clementi Avenue 4 where I had spent hours biking back and forth...the feeling of home on entering Kent Vale apartments, where I spent two years staying with my family...the walk from lab to Dover Road...the paranthas and gobi dinners at Dover aunty's shop...hours at Prof. Kim's place with Momo and Appukuttan...Starhub outlets...Ashish's laptop and blasting music...Roopsha's smiling face...Priya's home-cooked food...Anand's characteristic walk...the Karthik-Aysh-Gauri-Prasanna-Sheela group...the Graduate Congress dance practises...Lecture Theatre 20...the festive Bazaars in the canteens...Unmesh and our cups of chai...Suni-Suja...NUS Co-op...NUH canteen on days when Science canteen was rebonding at Clementi...the bench outside Kim lab...50 cents coffee or coke...West Coast Park...Rangoli restaurant spelt as RangOOli...Shubhendro Chatterjee...Jade theatre for Hindi movies...Ray...a ray of hope...

<...trailing off...>

...a ray of hope...of reliving those moments, of going back there, and expecting EVERYTHING to be the same..and suddenly Mr. Reality knocks on your forehead waking you up from this bliss shouting, the only thing that is constant is change, don't forget that! All this is can NEVER come back...even if I go back (which I am very soon by the way, so Singa-lings, prepare to party!!), the only thing that would be the same would be my mind and its memories. The people, the places, the activities...would have all moved on, even the buildings would bold out the words 'GUEST' as I enter them. I wouldn't belong there anymore, I would just be a visitor, making a visit - to the past. is the catch - if we were really visiting the past, we would be traveling time, and that, to date, has not been achieved as possible. So are these experiences lost forever? Each and every minute of our life that goes by, do we lose them once and for all?

The answer, as you all would have intuitively guessed, is - nostalgia, a permanent possession, something no one can snatch away, and something no one can describe...just like the utmost jumbled-up likes of a paragraph I wrote in an attempt to present a memoir from my book of nostalgias. I'm sorry that the words above made no sense, they perhaps would seem unconnected even to the ones familiar with the terms, but that's my point. With all due respect to the heroes married to writing, and utmost acknowledgement towards the patient and considerate readers, I would say that the intricate beauty of the journey our minds take us through can NEVER be made justice to by the grandest of words or phrases, no matter how avid a writer one is. Not claiming to be anywhere close to an amateur in this field, I sign off, leaving you wonderful readers with a question for yourselves...Yes, sometimes living in the past is painful, but is it worth pushing away every reminiscence of your experiences in an attempt to live in the present and be happy? In the process, you may lose not only a possible new interpretation of your past that will help you grow, but also the only fossil of an experience that can never repeat itself in your life. Sometimes, dwelling in yesterday with its complete package of the good and the bad might have a secret role to play in shaping your present and future. Think about it :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Rain Rain DON'T go away!!

Its amazing how sometimes you feel like your prayers are being answered, when you feel the presence of the invisible one...
Last night was a bad one, for no reason. I'd say just cyclical. I found myself crying for all the little problems I have in life due to no trigger at all. And it was real crying, consisting of fisting in the air and all that. And I knew its just biological, but couldn't prevent it. Anyway, thankfully it lasted just about 45 minutes after which I was exhausted but feeling better. It was then amidst the 'recovery period' that I was shown, through a webcam, the screaming skies of Singapore - trees madly swaying in the storm, thunder crackling the window panes. In spite of being separated by the virtual world, I could feel the weather there. And oh, I longed for it so much! Hoping that at least once I get to witness a rainy day here. I mean snow oh yes, there is tons of it, but rain, not so much. And I realised I missed the rain...
Exhausted, I fell asleep with the lights turned on, to wake up to a messy bed, and both phone and laptop discharged. It seemed like it was early morning, from the little light I could see through the creaks of the curtains. I felt surprised having woken up that early considering I slept so late. Until I see the time - 9.30 am. That definitely didn't feel like 9.30am! I pulled open my curtains and there to my delight was the street of Madison wet with pouring rain! Oh the same feeling, after ages...filled up my heart! I quickly cleaned up my room, and invited a close friend over who made coffee for me :D It felt amazing, sitting and looking up pottery pictures, talking about spending the summers painting, and much about my childhood which I so terribly miss. He left and I decided I'm going to make pakoras the evening with chai! A surge of energy to work, which is evident hasn't been embarked upon yet :P and a hope that this lasts for a while...
As I sit by my window on my chair and write this, I see people walking by in raincoats or under umbrellas. The view is slightly different, as these are different people, not the same uncles and aunties I am familiar with, but nonetheless, at least the weather feels like home. Small pleasures in life :-) And I thank you for giving me this happiness, even for a while...:-)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Around her world in 3267 days...

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...

Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.

However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?

Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...

D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to him in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...

The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...

Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...

D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...

After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.

There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.

She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.

And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...

To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...

Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...

A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -

1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be

2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.

3. Always give priority to what you think is right

4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours

5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's does not exist

6. No one loves you more than himself/herself

7. Life is black or white, single or committed.

8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT

9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS

10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one

11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way

12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you

13. Be yourself completely

14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you

15. Its good to be mean at times

16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.

17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.

18. Its good to swear sometimes.

19. No one is close to God.

20. Never let people trample your self esteem

21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.

22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.

23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.

24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like a ROBOT

25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...

Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!

AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED FEELINGS!!!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Tracking a dot in the middle of the skies

Flight trackers are such a blessing I must say. Thousands of flights are flying all over the skies everyday from one direction to another, all of them being tracked or traced, monitored etc. Sometimes these tracking sites throw out results like "Flight over large water body, so untrackable"....feels so weird.

But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.

But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is... month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...

Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...



A note to the generous ones...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Please read on, at your own risk ;) And feel free to scold, advise, comment, reprimand, praise or just simply say 'hmm' :)