A fallen stack of cards

Someone once gave me this thing called a blue day book. It has pictures of all sorts of animals, pouting, showing puppy-eyes, snuggled in and what not. Its supposed to cheer you up when you are blue. But somehow it doesn't really help when you actually need it. Today, or rather yesterday was one such day.

I got a piece of news yesterday, that something I was really looking forward to above many things will not happen anymore. I had planned out so many things based on that, and its not planning of fun events (which keep falling out which is no big deal), but some time to spend with someone who matters a lot and whom I wont be meeting again for a long time once I take off from here. And its not just that. My stupid ankle prevents me from reaching out and doing things for this person, going to my favourite spots here, and basically having my last few moments of my time here after all these years. I had thought that when I make the trip again, for a week, when my injury would have healed, I will do all the things I had wanted to do, with my favourite person. But now, thats not happening. Really, when I heard this yesterday, it felt like a huge stack of cards, which I was building carefully at every stage in the past couple of years, suddenly came crashing down. I wonder if anyone really understands all the feelings that I went through. Well obviously no one will understand completely but I had hoped that at least this one person does.

I was in a sort of an uncontrollable state of mind yesterday, where you want to just scream out whatever is bothering you, even if that is a compilation of all the botherings for the past 2 years. And I did that, well not scream, but say it out to this one person. I knew while saying it that its just a matter of time that this would backfire (even though I felt I have a right to do this with my closest being without being careful ), and it did. It backfired like bad. Why do I have to end up feeling like the bad person here? Everything I do or say becomes like the wrong thing to have done. The world is full of practical people and their reasons, but does one ever think that the practicalities of the outside world can be tackled with much more ease if you can be totally yourself with somebody. Isn't it just reasonable to ask for this one person with whom you need not be practical? It was a blow on me yesterday, whatever happened, and yet I have to push it aside and be practical. Cuz if I am not, then I am the weak one, the one who needs to realise that 'no can help you, you alone can help yourself', Im the one who is a fool for thinking so deeply about one thing. If there is one thing that I can wish for at the moment, it is this, that please make me so merciless and practical and emotionless that the people who preach practicality look like emotional wrecks in front of me.

Yes I know whatever happens is for the best but you can't keep smiling at everything saying this is for the best so lets not be upset. I hate the way things are today, and I just hate everything right now. I know that everything is relative but what the heck this is one of the days when I feel everything is pointless, useless, over...just like a fallen stack of cards...