To be or not to be everybody...

I want to get a haircut. I want to go and join dance classes. I want to be a little crazy. I want to laugh and smile all the time. I just want to be free. Free from being tied to a negative feeling.

Its been so long that I gave any time to myself. Its been so long. I feel like I have neglected myself so much that its made me liable to being hurt and insulted by almost anyone. Its so important to love yourself more than anyone else so that you can stand by what you feel is right, stand by yourself. Many people I know can do it so well. I wonder why I cant. Everyone says that 'this is what I think, I cant help it if you think otherwise'. Why cant I be firm on that as well?? For me, it always boils down to what the other person might have felt or been thinking. Ultimately I give importance to that...

I guess I havent mentioned clearly here. But my last few years were spent in Singapore. I was studying there for 2 years and then worked for 2 years. I had a very intense learning experience. In all aspects. Met various people and learnt so much about how different people can be. Ive realised one thing, how important it is to not lose yourself when you are amidst people who are not like you. Its very easy to fall into the trap of doubting yourself and considering yourself as the faulty one when the bottomline is just that you are different. And I became a victim of that trap. I fell straight into it, and ever since have been struggling to pull myself out of it. Even if I am very close to freeing myself, just one particular turn entangles me again into the trap with such intensity that all the efforts of trying to come out of it go waste.

I think I have invested everything in the past few years to just relationships, be it any form of relationship. And what happens is that if I take a step back, and I see the other person feeling even slightly bad about it, I just give up what I was standing for and channalize all my efforts to just placate that person. And then at the end of all this, I expose myself to being hit hard.

What is love? Love is what you feel for someone, be it anyone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends or your significant other. It is such a strong feeling that it engulfs you, it makes you do everything you never imagined, makes you forget yourself and just do things for the one you love. But after all, no one is a saint. You try to be the best person possible, try to control all your senses and just do things for the people you love...but after all you are human too. Even you have your ups and downs, there are days when you just want to be loved for who you are and not be controlled and guarded. It is this time when you need someone to tell you that you are loved, that you are a good person, that you are beautiful the way you are, that you are understood. Is not being able to be guarded all the time a bad thing? If one is unable to be the best person for one out of six days, does it completely undo the efforts the person made for the rest five days? And then you are quoted as not talking sense, stupid and trying to justify what is not right. You feel blamed for something which you dont feel wrong, but the other person constantly and firmly says, 'this is what i think..and even if you think otherwise, you are wrong in justifying yourself...'

Love is perhaps the most beautiful feeling in this world...it helps you become a better person. But at the cost of laying your heart in the hands of someone else...I know I have certain qualities which make me stand aside from many others, I know I have learnt to be able to do certain things which my parents have taught me and which I am glad to have...but when I need to reassure myself of the fact that I am not wrong, I am unable to do that and just get a finger pointed at about how I am immature...

A song which I truly believe in is this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ONo4RiIaE and I belong to the same category...is it such a crime?