Have I really grown up?

As I sit here in a new environment, learning new techniques, talking to new people, feeling quite by myself, a cloud of thought submerges me into the ground. I am restless from within, but this feeling isn't new. It is, on the contrary, far too familiar. And hence frustrating. I have faced this feeling too many times, and had thought I had grown out of it, learnt from my lessons. For a long time this cloud didn't visit me, and I thought I have finally outgrown it, finally shielded myself from the world's insensitivity. But the sad part is, I know deep within that the world isn't so bad. Its always me, the sensitive one. The one who cares too much about other people, and then gets hurt. The reason I get hurt is because I always end up expecting an acknowledgement of what I did for you. And that's because I always do that, make it a point to reciprocate and prioritize that. Is there no one else like that in the world? There are people who seem to be like that for a while and suddenly change, leaving you surprised. Ive tried to be attached and not expect in return, but failed each time. I thought I had learnt it the hard way though, thought I had managed to curb my natural instinct of getting attached, getting excited and expecting the others to feel the same. And for a while I know I had nailed it - I had not experienced this restless frustrated feeling for a long time in the not so distant past. At times I missed being me though, I missed being the fierce friend that used to be, missed being the person who would do anything for my friend. Because that is what gave me real happiness. It came with a price each time however, and so I slowly adopted the defensive front. And it was hard. But it was perhaps better than getting hurt? I wasn't sure, until again, recently, I was reminded that it definitely is better than getting hurt. Again I had let my guard down, got excited, felt passionate, went out of the way for some people and started giving without thinking. This time, I decided I am not going to think twice, I am just going to do what I feel like, show my love and not be inhibited by worldly masks like formality. But, this feeling was too good to last. Within a week it all came crashing down. I felt unwanted, felt used and felt unreciprocated. And to hell with being logical and sensible and blah and blah. I felt all these things in flesh and blood, so there has to be a reason for it, isn't there? People come find you when they need you, when they have nothing else to do, and you let your guard down and go all out for them. But again and again, every time, when its their turn to reciprocate, to build the relation, their priorities go elsewhere. Everyone goes their own way, does their own thing, but Im the one always trying to include others, make them feel involved, make them feel at home in a home away from home. But the whole point is, this is not something new, its far too established. I have been taught this lesson a million times, feeling equally hurt each time. Then why the hell do I let it happen again? Why do I give some people so much importance? Why do I end up feeling an affection for someone and act upon it? Why am I this way? Can I NEVER learn? Do people never grow out of these things? Have I really even the slightest bit and will I ever really, in this sense, grow up?

Me time...

I am sitting here in the corner-most table of this building, all alone with my laptop, phone and a box of chhole! As I sat eating the chhole, I realized its been so long that I just sat doing nothing while eating. In fact its been ages I sat all by myself and reflected on everything thats happened in the past one year. As I did, I immediately remembered my blog, my space, which I had neglected all this while. I logged in, and the first thing I see was a new post from a dear old friend, also after ages. She was the one who had introduced me to blogging, so her blog is sort of like the benchmark for me. Seeing her make a come back at around the same time as me sort of felt like a signal, a sign. Reading her posts again made me feel assured that even if we haven't been in touch of late, a bond exists :) As I sit here writing, I tell myself, I should be working on my presentation due on Monday. But naah, that can wait. This is Me time, after soooooo long, and I wanna make the most out of it! Let's see, what all happened after I nearly died last year - 1. I found the truest form of love possible in my best friend 2. I recovered from my illness and made it to Diwali night, even as just a contributor (Next year Im participating. Wait up, Diwali night stage!!) 3. Our parents met and spoke, and we fixed our wedding dates :):) 4. We formed a music group on campus, something that's been taking off quite well 5. I got some data in lab enough to get me start thinking of a publication 6. We started a dance group (my dream!!!!!). Although right now the dynamics aren't quite what I had envisioned them to be, but I guess thats usually how anything new starts. 7. And, oh, and, with a sudden turn of events, Im getting engaged, suddenly, in 3 weeks time, at no other place but home with my family and closest of friends!!! Wow! Life....happens! I guess the biggest thing that I have realized during all this is that I don't want to live in this country. As I see my friends change to the tune of this place, it saddens me, it makes me feel out of place. No one's wrong here, but its a strong indication that my roots lie in my country. I cannot let go of a lot of things to blend in this place. And Im not sad about it. A friend rightly pointed out recently - 'at home if you meet someone who's mean to you, you establish he/she is mean. but here, you also wonder if they are racist'. I remember my father's reply to when I had asked him why he returned to his country, 28 years ago, with me as a new born. He had said ' I didn't want to live like a second class citizen'. I used to have life in me, I used to be a crazy person on the streets, my friends used to say that one day of my absence would make the classroom seem dull. I've realized, I haven't grown out of it, I've grown away from it. My heart and soul still reside very much in my country. I don't appreciate racist jokes, especially made by our own people, I don't appreciate people having to change the way they speak to fit in here. And most of all, I don't appreciate the small talk that is quite the norm here for any get-together. I'm done smiling about the weather, or having a debatable discussion on how awesome someone's new bike is, or hearing gossips about people claiming to be friends. What's the definition of friendship here? Frankness is not appreciated, and more than that, being considerate or forgiving is taken as a weakness. Anyway, I know Im sore, I know its not the country, or the people. But its definitely not me in here. There is something, about the norm, that hits me, each time. And even though I have changed in the past 4 years, this aspect of me hasn't. In fact its just grown stronger. Refer back to my 2009 post, Identity crisis, and its all the same. I miss having meaningful conversations with people. After a long time, I felt like I got some Me time, but why is that? Its because, without realizing, I am having to be someone I am not, literally everywhere - at work, with friends. Yes I have nothing to complain about when I have found my soulmate. But, one needs a life around them where they are happy. One needs people who lift you up. And not those who are always trying to compete or are just plain fake. Yes, its not the place, its me. I want to go back to where I belong, walk the streets without feeling an alien, know that I don't have to pretend to like rock climbing or marathons to be able to make conversation, have people raise an eye when I tell them I sing and dance, be my hospitable self and invite everyone home without thinking I need to preserve myself and act individualistic. But I don't know when that will happen. In fact, the bigger question is, if and when I go back, will I be able to deal with the reverse cultural shock? As for now, as I eat my chocolate ice cream, Im content with the little Me time I got today :)

History repeating itself?

No I am very sure I don't want that. But every force keeps showing me that it is about to. The same thing that happened 4 years ago. Right now I am undergoing a major change in the way I feel about certain things. Its very scary. I had made a compromise, and thought that life would be tough - full of challenges all the time, and sort of accepted that as my destiny. But life is showing me different colors now. And I don't know what to do about it. Change my mind? Completely change the mindset I had built for myself in the past 4 years? I clearly don't want to do that. It would be too much for me to handle. And yes, I am trying here to think of just myself - not anyone else. Cuz that's what Ive always done, given others more importance. But for once, I just want to breathe without worrying, and let things happen. But is it wise to do that? Sometimes its dangerous to completely let go. I really want to do that, as its been a while I did this, bask in the feeling of bliss. Im not saying I haven't been happy in the recent times, but I haven't felt this bliss.

At the same time there is this heart-tearing worry...whats going to happen? Why is the future sooooo uncertain? For God's sake I want some assurance of certainty. I know life is always uncertain and you never know whats in store for you and all that. But really if you ask me, I think Ive had my fair share of uncertainty and Ive had enough of it. I need a break from this uncertainty. Just want to feel happy, live life as it comes. Its an amaaaaaazinggggg feeling to feel beautiful from inside. To feel just content, and to just feel like smiling all the time. Yes I know its upto ourselves to make ourselves happy. And I really honestly have tried a lot in the past few years to do that. Sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. But it was always an effort. The other kind of happiness is something you don't need to make an effort for. Its as easy as breathing. And right now I feel like I really deserve some of that. But the problem is, even if I try to let myself soak in this feeling, there is the worry of the uncertainty in my head. Why can't the cause of the uncertainty change to just make me feel effortlessly happy? Why does this ALWAYS happen? I tried sooooooo hard to not be selfish, to accpet everything, to adjust to everything, to seek happiness in everything. But I feel defeated right now. I feel like for a change I want to sit back and stop making an effort. Let the happiness come to me on its own, and flow with whatever comes my way...cuz I think somewhere inside, I know I deserve it.

But we aren't allowed to do that in life I guess. Cuz then there are consequences which have to be faced. Prevention better than cure and all of that! I just want to be led to the right path, just want to know my answers, Im tired of this. And no, I do not want history to repeat. I don't want these 4 years to go waste...I want it to work. But Im tired of trying...really...tired of this conflict.

Arrrghhhhh I don't think decisions in life should be this difficult. And I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is the matter and it better be sorted out soon...

NO MORE SURPRISES !

I become the bad one here. This has not happened once, but twice now. First it was a friend, and now my own family! If I am organizing a surprise for someone, just to make the person feel good, then I am too kiddish, i am immature! And if the surprise leaks out, let alone getting angry, i cnt even ask who said it out or how it came out. If I ask I get scolded back like I am committing some crime and I am stupid n childish and extra sensitive and all that...I mean I cant even ask!

I am jus tired of getting to hear accuses...about how I am. To hell with trying to make people feel good. No one realises the worth of it...why am I a fool to keep thinking of how to make someone smile then? Be it family or others now...

I wont do it then...if this is such a 'childish' trait of mine, then today I leave it behind me...just...no more surprises...for anyone...

some wounds are just so deep, they keep getting moist very easily. The last time my friend had actually tagged me as unnecessarily causing tension just because i was upset that a surprise got leaked out...when i was told not to organise surprises if it means getting all upset if it doesnt work out. I mean I am not even doing anything for myself. Its for someone else, and when I am putting my 100 percent to it, just to see the look of excitement on the other person, if somehow the thing gets out, I cant even get upset? Then Im told, there is no need for this! What the hell people, a reaction about something which you are so involved in, can I not even get the license to do that without being accused and tagged?

I thought I had forgotten it. But today when something similar was said to me, my frustration increased manifold because of this past wound. Thats what multiplied my agony. Horrible...I mean...I don't know what to say...after all if I say something, then I become a 'baby'...

Bad food, headache, lots of work and no fun :(

I realised how important food can be towards your general mood. I have been a little stressed with work of late as I am about to finish and leave in less than a week. Other than work, there is a lot of other things to do, regarding packing up, closing accounts, getting back deposits etc. Amidst all this, even though I know I am not obligated to, I really want to finish certain things at my workplace. And so far it hasnt worked. Im trying different things. Just took an extension of another 4 days before I can report to my boss about what all I can hand over to him. Today while doing an experiment with a UV machine, I suddenly got a strong headache. That headache now percolated to my back and now my whole body is aching. I learnt from someone that it is not very powerful, the wavelength is longer, so it should not be a thing to worry about. Sure ok that was relieveing to hear. But my aches havent gone down. I had asked my friend to pack up food from a place we have never eaten at before, because Ive tasted it from someone else's box a couple of times and it tasted good. I was looking forward to jus that. Good food...was really hungry. And then after what seemed like hours, we took our boxes outside to sit and eat. I opened the box, and it looked completely different from what I had expected...plain white stuff, be it the cabbage or the rice or anything else, some beans which weren't that great, and overall no salt! It totally put me down further! My friend tried to cheer me up by getting me coke later but that din help a bit! Ever since Ive been even more low. Seriously I was never affected by bad food ever before. Donno if I really din care or I din get to experience before. But whatever it is, it certainly added on to the general stress of life today. I wanna take a break, do something creative. Lets see, maybe I should do it. In fact, I'll do it right away...right then bloggie...hope that helps...cya later...love you!

Exhausted...

I had a very tiring day. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I know why, because my foot hurts a lot today and I had a lot of work to do. Emotionally, I have no clue. I had just begun to feel that things have settled down a bit, I no longer am that vulnerable to having frequent ups and downs. But I just feel terribly exhausted...feel like sitting somewhere alone, and I have NO CLUE WHY ! I just feel like I am oscillating between the past and the present, the good and the bad parts of everything. I feel like I am not quite sure who I am. Its weird. I think its just a day, I'll be fine today. Funny thing is, nothing happened that is making me feel this way, its just so pointless. I think I should go watch a movie or something...or just run away someplace for a while, having no one to answer anything to...

Im sick of certain things in my life...I just want to make some ammendments. And I will, very soon. Just need to gather certain belongings first...

My foot!!

I really mean it this time :( Yeah Im finally sitting down to write about one dramatic experience of my life which I have been referring to in my previous posts. Recently...

One of my real close friends had come back from a conference abroad with much happiness at the success of the presentation. We were all happy and about to go out for a dinner treat by this friend, followed by the movie '17 again'. We were about 8 of us, split up to reach the dining place. As four of us got out of the cab, I suddenly asked this friend where my phone was. While asking itself I realized that it was left in the cab. Panic stricken, I took my friend's phone, opened the call log, and at the same time ran towards the cab which had already left in a particular direction. As I was just about to press the green button to call my phone, I felt a series of sensations all together in a fraction of a second - shock, pain, embarrassment and realization of what happened. Missing a step down, I had landed with full force on my completely twisted right ankle....OUCH! The next few minutes were eventful. I stumbled and sat down in the middle of a car park. I don't think anyone realized the fact that it was really painful as one of them was still with the phone. I could feel that I was losing myself. That was when another friend came n sat down next to me and went like, "do you want to lie down?". I felt this excruciating pain going up my body to my head and I just announced, "I think I am going to faint", and lay down on the road. The next thing that I know is there are people screaming around me..."Someone give her water", "move aside, move aside". Someone had held up my head, my head was wet with water, my glasses had been removed, my slippers were off and I heard a man ask my name. And I heard my friend answering. It was the ambulance guy. He was very gently saying, "I will just slowly lift you here", feeling my ankle, asking me where it is paining and all that. While answering him I realized I was crying :| Don't know if it was pain or shock! Then I was lifted onto a stretcher and put in the ambulance (for the first time). It felt really strange. I felt like I am some wounded soldier being rushed to the hospital for surgery :| :| :| Really felt like I am amidst strangers until I heard my friend. We reached the hospital, and I was taken on a bed into some ward which seemed like it was kilometres away. My friend had gone off to register. Then the ambulance guys just halted my bed amidst many others and left. I was lying there half blind, among some unknown people, in an unknown hospital with ill patients vomiting around me. It was intimidating. And yeah, I had lost my phone so I couldn't really call anyone. Then some nurse just pushed my bed forward and without saying a word started checkin my blood pressure. I just wanted to know where I was !!! Finally, after what felt like hours, my friend came and held my hand and said, 'Everything will be alright'. That felt like some warm stream of life flowing into my cold hands and feet. I heaved a sigh of relief...

I had passed out on the road for nearly 5 minutes I was told. Well the proceedings after that were normal - tests, screens, doctors, nurses, pain-killers, wheelchairs and the usual procedures. In between my glasses and slippers were delivered to me. All the other friends had reached the hospital, and were waving to me from a glass door some distance away. My friend who was with me went like, "see your fans are waving". It was funny. We got all the things done, paid the money (thanks to insurance it was menial), got the orthopedic doctor's appointment for a few days later and then went out of the hospital. I couldn't even stand. I had to be lifted into the lift (weird phrase) and then we went to my friend's place, ordered food and had dinner there. That was one eventful friday...

Bone is fine, but I tore 2 ligaments and now have to wear this huge iron-man looking boot which is damn tight and is supposed to prevent any weight on the ankle. Its super irritating to keep limping, but at least its better than the first 5 days when I needed crutches and a chair with wheels to go to the bathroom in the same room! Man that was horrible...

Well...this is life. My ankle is still taking time to heal. Its painful to stand even now, and I havent started my physiotherapy sessions due to lack of early appointments. Today is Friday. After 2 weeks, yesterday we finally did watch 17 again, and even the treat was done a week back. Im trying to work as much as I can, but I really can't do much, Im like exerting myself too much even now. Just few more days for me to leave, had so much to do, and now, if I feel like doing something I am incapable of, I just can't stop cursing,

"MY FOOT!"

Overdose of emotions

I don't know what to do. I am leaving a place where I spent the last couple of years away from home, cribbing about it every now and then. But, it did become my life. Everything about it, the people, the places, the conveniences and what not. I try to tell myself, change is good, and I really am wanting that change, but I just can't stop feeling sad or overwhelmed about the fact that I am leaving in a month's time. Everyday I just think of how it would be when I don't have this aspect of my life here anymore and it tears me apart. Seriously, just don't know what to do...

A fallen stack of cards

Someone once gave me this thing called a blue day book. It has pictures of all sorts of animals, pouting, showing puppy-eyes, snuggled in and what not. Its supposed to cheer you up when you are blue. But somehow it doesn't really help when you actually need it. Today, or rather yesterday was one such day.

I got a piece of news yesterday, that something I was really looking forward to above many things will not happen anymore. I had planned out so many things based on that, and its not planning of fun events (which keep falling out which is no big deal), but some time to spend with someone who matters a lot and whom I wont be meeting again for a long time once I take off from here. And its not just that. My stupid ankle prevents me from reaching out and doing things for this person, going to my favourite spots here, and basically having my last few moments of my time here after all these years. I had thought that when I make the trip again, for a week, when my injury would have healed, I will do all the things I had wanted to do, with my favourite person. But now, thats not happening. Really, when I heard this yesterday, it felt like a huge stack of cards, which I was building carefully at every stage in the past couple of years, suddenly came crashing down. I wonder if anyone really understands all the feelings that I went through. Well obviously no one will understand completely but I had hoped that at least this one person does.

I was in a sort of an uncontrollable state of mind yesterday, where you want to just scream out whatever is bothering you, even if that is a compilation of all the botherings for the past 2 years. And I did that, well not scream, but say it out to this one person. I knew while saying it that its just a matter of time that this would backfire (even though I felt I have a right to do this with my closest being without being careful ), and it did. It backfired like bad. Why do I have to end up feeling like the bad person here? Everything I do or say becomes like the wrong thing to have done. The world is full of practical people and their reasons, but does one ever think that the practicalities of the outside world can be tackled with much more ease if you can be totally yourself with somebody. Isn't it just reasonable to ask for this one person with whom you need not be practical? It was a blow on me yesterday, whatever happened, and yet I have to push it aside and be practical. Cuz if I am not, then I am the weak one, the one who needs to realise that 'no can help you, you alone can help yourself', Im the one who is a fool for thinking so deeply about one thing. If there is one thing that I can wish for at the moment, it is this, that please make me so merciless and practical and emotionless that the people who preach practicality look like emotional wrecks in front of me.

Yes I know whatever happens is for the best but you can't keep smiling at everything saying this is for the best so lets not be upset. I hate the way things are today, and I just hate everything right now. I know that everything is relative but what the heck this is one of the days when I feel everything is pointless, useless, over...just like a fallen stack of cards...