Me time...

I am sitting here in the corner-most table of this building, all alone with my laptop, phone and a box of chhole! As I sat eating the chhole, I realized its been so long that I just sat doing nothing while eating. In fact its been ages I sat all by myself and reflected on everything thats happened in the past one year. As I did, I immediately remembered my blog, my space, which I had neglected all this while. I logged in, and the first thing I see was a new post from a dear old friend, also after ages. She was the one who had introduced me to blogging, so her blog is sort of like the benchmark for me. Seeing her make a come back at around the same time as me sort of felt like a signal, a sign. Reading her posts again made me feel assured that even if we haven't been in touch of late, a bond exists :) As I sit here writing, I tell myself, I should be working on my presentation due on Monday. But naah, that can wait. This is Me time, after soooooo long, and I wanna make the most out of it! Let's see, what all happened after I nearly died last year - 1. I found the truest form of love possible in my best friend 2. I recovered from my illness and made it to Diwali night, even as just a contributor (Next year Im participating. Wait up, Diwali night stage!!) 3. Our parents met and spoke, and we fixed our wedding dates :):) 4. We formed a music group on campus, something that's been taking off quite well 5. I got some data in lab enough to get me start thinking of a publication 6. We started a dance group (my dream!!!!!). Although right now the dynamics aren't quite what I had envisioned them to be, but I guess thats usually how anything new starts. 7. And, oh, and, with a sudden turn of events, Im getting engaged, suddenly, in 3 weeks time, at no other place but home with my family and closest of friends!!! Wow! Life....happens! I guess the biggest thing that I have realized during all this is that I don't want to live in this country. As I see my friends change to the tune of this place, it saddens me, it makes me feel out of place. No one's wrong here, but its a strong indication that my roots lie in my country. I cannot let go of a lot of things to blend in this place. And Im not sad about it. A friend rightly pointed out recently - 'at home if you meet someone who's mean to you, you establish he/she is mean. but here, you also wonder if they are racist'. I remember my father's reply to when I had asked him why he returned to his country, 28 years ago, with me as a new born. He had said ' I didn't want to live like a second class citizen'. I used to have life in me, I used to be a crazy person on the streets, my friends used to say that one day of my absence would make the classroom seem dull. I've realized, I haven't grown out of it, I've grown away from it. My heart and soul still reside very much in my country. I don't appreciate racist jokes, especially made by our own people, I don't appreciate people having to change the way they speak to fit in here. And most of all, I don't appreciate the small talk that is quite the norm here for any get-together. I'm done smiling about the weather, or having a debatable discussion on how awesome someone's new bike is, or hearing gossips about people claiming to be friends. What's the definition of friendship here? Frankness is not appreciated, and more than that, being considerate or forgiving is taken as a weakness. Anyway, I know Im sore, I know its not the country, or the people. But its definitely not me in here. There is something, about the norm, that hits me, each time. And even though I have changed in the past 4 years, this aspect of me hasn't. In fact its just grown stronger. Refer back to my 2009 post, Identity crisis, and its all the same. I miss having meaningful conversations with people. After a long time, I felt like I got some Me time, but why is that? Its because, without realizing, I am having to be someone I am not, literally everywhere - at work, with friends. Yes I have nothing to complain about when I have found my soulmate. But, one needs a life around them where they are happy. One needs people who lift you up. And not those who are always trying to compete or are just plain fake. Yes, its not the place, its me. I want to go back to where I belong, walk the streets without feeling an alien, know that I don't have to pretend to like rock climbing or marathons to be able to make conversation, have people raise an eye when I tell them I sing and dance, be my hospitable self and invite everyone home without thinking I need to preserve myself and act individualistic. But I don't know when that will happen. In fact, the bigger question is, if and when I go back, will I be able to deal with the reverse cultural shock? As for now, as I eat my chocolate ice cream, Im content with the little Me time I got today :)

Today...

People say, everything is for the best. Even I say that, in fact its the title of my blog. But...today, I don't agree. Today I feel like remembering the days I felt lost in lab, and not be grateful for the supervisor I have. Today I feel regret for having been in a relationship, and not feel like I have grown from it. Today I feel angry for being the one whose projects are not working instead of telling myself that I have earned expertise from repetitive trials of my work. Today I feel frustrated for being the one chosen to experience a life threatening experience and become immobile for a long time, rather than feeling blessed and grateful for life. It really is true, life is a gift, and every minute is one step closer to death. Its fragile, and one should be positive and take everything in their stride. Every time I feel down, I tell myself, the very next instant, to think of all the things that belong to the 'instead' category in all my sentences in the above paragraph. But, today, I just feel like looking at the glass as half empty...

Why?

Whats the fault? Why can't happiness, genuine unselfish happiness for someone else cease to backfire? This time, what did I do? Why did you have snatch that feeling away from me again? It can't be that difficult...and there is really nothing much that I ask for. I am doing the right thing, taking the right decisions...then why do you keep testing my patience again and again? I also think Ive been passing each test. How much longer will you keep testing me? Do I not deserve a break? You seem to give me a teaser and then make it the same again. Seriously, I tried to look at everything positively...why can't you assure me that I have taken the right decision? And if it is not the right one, then show me the path. I know I need the assurance at a stretch continuously for it to sink in, and I also know its not too much to ask for...

Just please...want to settle down...from within...

Holiday Blues

Sounds kinda odd doesn't it? What exactly do holiday blues signify? Blues in yearning for a holiday or blues due to a holiday? Well in my case right now its the latter. Haven't EVER felt this way - getting sick of a holiday feeling!! I mean I love fun, I love vacations...I would always just want vacation!! But today feels different. Had a good weekend full of events, but I am tired now. There was always an unrest about what to plan next, always some event or another. Its summer time, Yay!! But it still is full fledged work time for me. I mean I would be taking a real holiday in a month's time. Maybe that's why having a festive atmosphere at home ALL THE TIME is driving me nuts. Yes its fun, but I feel like I am craving for a routine now. Its funny, never felt this way before. Maybe its a part of growing up...maybe you automatically fall into the disciplinary prioritization mode at a certain phase. Maybe what I used to wonder about settled families as to HOW they can be so organized and follow such a disciplined lifestyle makes some sense now. Its nice though, experiencing this kind of a feeling. Somewhat settling...

Around her world in 3267 days...

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...

Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.

However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?

Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...

D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to him in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...

The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...

Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...

D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...

After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.

There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.


She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.

And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...

To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...

Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...

A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -

1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be

2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.

3. Always give priority to what you think is right

4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours

5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist

6. No one loves you more than himself/herself

7. Life is black or white, single or committed.

8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT

9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS

10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one

11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way

12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you

13. Be yourself completely

14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you

15. Its good to be mean at times

16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.

17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.

18. Its good to swear sometimes.

19. No one is close to God.

20. Never let people trample your self esteem

21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.

22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.

23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.

24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT

25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...

Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!

AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED FEELINGS!!!!

My insides are screaming!

I really like this phrase. Its so descriptive. The beauty of the phrase lies in the double-meaning it holds. Perhaps the 2nd meaning would be understood only by women.

When you are frustrated with something so bad, there is something that's always itching, something always provoking you to do something. You have to control it. The more you control it, the more it itches. And then as it all accumulates, it finally comes out in one blow, when you think you have reached the 'screaming-inside' phase. The outcome of it is different for different people of course, some shout it out, some go into their shell and so on. That was the first meaning.

The second explanation of this phrase is more literal than figurative. A sensation which truly makes you feel that there is something inside you that is screaming - every cell in the body longing for more oxygen, every muscle in your body throbbing and pushing against your skin. It makes you experience the true meaning of 'wear and tear'. Imagine that a part of your body is rotting, one by one everything starts shedding - cells, tissues, and the multitude of other components comprising your body. Would you just sit and watch it happen? No, you would put some ointment, bandage it, prevent it, make sure you don't stress it, and let it heal. Now imagine the same thing inside out. That every cell and tissue is tearing off from inside your body. The pain is so much that it percolates from being localized to being global. Your whole body is just 'tearing apart' from the inside, and neither can you touch it, nor can you bandage it. You can just sit and bear it. This is what could more accurately be understood by the above phrase. You literally feel the scream from within, and cannot do anything about it. Well of course there are ways to subdue the 'massive internal erosion', but I personally consider them unnatural and disturbing to the ways to nature. Sometimes you just feel like hitting yourself, you try to help by externally applying pressure to soothe the inside, but its all temporary. All you can think of is a pair of hands that could just squeeze you all over to relieve you off the pain for a whole day. But then again, that's impractical, over-expecting, and all the other adjectives that collectively mean - can't be done. While sitting in a group meeting today, all I could think of was stretching out somewhere, tighten every muscle so that I cannot feel the screaming. But work doesn't stop. Its a part of life...the show has to go on...

Sigh...even as I write this, my insides are screaming and trying to bombard my mind with disillusioned states of fury, pain, discomfort and all the related. But I know, neither this post, nor anything else will make this day pass by faster. Its just something we have to live with, and try to look at the brighter side of it - the strength we gain by bearing this time and again...

Relationships

So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.

There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.

One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.

Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.

Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.

And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.

So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.

I'll be the change I want to see in people

BBMIMES...

Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...

I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)

Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.

The rest doesn't matter...

To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...

Im back...

Wow...5 months. Its been so long I blogged. But then things became hectic. The semester was just crazy, and then the India trip and everything. Now its back to where I am, studying, working...and just living life I guess.

I have been hurt a lot in the past few days. Why does this happen? Is it my fault? Maybe it really is. I go out of the way so much to do things for people that I end up expecting in return. And no one is able to meet that expectation. I dont think I expect too much, but I guess thats because thats nothing for me. Its an effort for others. I really really go too much out of the way for people. I mean why do I do that? Cuz it comes naturally to me. Why does it at all come naturally to me?

I am really not happy about this aspect of mine. I take too much tension, and I do too much for people and think too much about things. I care too much. I really want to be able to just not be so attached. How can I do that without being bitter at heart? I had dedicated a song to someone which had a line saying, "dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter"...but the same is happening to me. Its not one hell bent heart. Its just me being so different from most people. Cuz I make myself prone to being hurt. I really want a solution for this. Someone who can teach me how to love without expecting...who can?

Really, I want to just do that. I want to not expect anything. Can anyone help me please?

Identity Crisis?

Its amazing how one tries so hard to be someone he/she is not.

I am in the USA now, and there is something I have observed very strongly here. Students, fresh undergrads coming from my country, have this absolutely annoying tendency to try to roll their tongues in and out while speaking. Ok guys, seriously, you can't get the accent! And why do you have to try to do so? For heaven's sake has anyone seen any other nationality try to do that? Take Italians, or Brits...they stick to their accent. And the Americans try to adopt it, and even find it 'exotic n nice'...but well...in our case no! We are 'ashamed' of our accents...and so we try to speak the 'All Cool American Language'. Guys come on, we've studied in English medium schools, there is no such thing as the correct pronunciation. All over the world people are communicating with their respective English accents...even non-English speaking countries. If we have a touch of 'Hindi or Tamil or Punjabi or Bengali' to our English accents, so what!!! Don't Greek and Spanish and Middle-eastern people have an influence of their language in their English? If they can't understand what we are saying, they never will if we don't stick to our way. Let them try. We are not stupid, and their way is not 'correct'. Its absolutely ok to be different and to be respected for the difference. If you are confident about it, people will automatically try to understand you. You don't have to say 'Raaut' for route or 'Caayn't' for can't. And its perfectly understandable if you say 'How are you' instead of 'Howz it goin' and 'Bye' instead of 'Laderrrr'....Big deal! Initially they'll find it weird, but they'll understand and thats what matters, communication! Just because you have come to this country doesn't mean you try so hard to change your ways. You can completely make do with what you have learnt throughout your education so far.

If you observe, the professors who teach you all have amazing presentation skills, and speak coherently without silly and distracting body movements. If you have to adopt something, adopt that. I have noticed that the TA's (graduate students who teach in classes) mostly speak to themselves in a tone which is meant for casual conversation. And that is what you guys try to adopt! I agree that it makes it easier for them to understand if we modify our ways a bit, but just a bit. Not whole words and sentences and intonations and body language! Trust me guys, by trying to copy their exclamations and jargons, you end up looking nothing but stupid. To them its gonna sound fine n easy and you would think you are being cool, but come out of your shoes for once, and look at yourself. Is this really you? Would you think or speak to yourself in this fashion? Or is it just a show? If it is, then...seriously, are you not happy about the way you are? What's the need for this idiotic masking of your true self?

Think about it guys, really...its not very different from going through identity crisis, the only difference being, you don't realise you are fighting with yourself. Remember one thing, you are not anything lesser than these people, and hence, you don't have to be someone you are not in order to mingle with them. You can be here, and be yourself. Trust me, you might initially be mocked at, but you are better off being mocked at by people who don't know you than by those who do know you...

From June to September in 10 minutes...

And yes its been ages, I know...so muchhhhhh has happened, and has been happening that its practically impossible to pen it down here now. I would be spending the next 2 weeks if I were to pen every detail here, and honestly, time is what I don't have now :(

So why have I suddenly peeped into the blog world again? Well for one thing I didn't wanna abandon my blog..and well...lets say, I am in a moment of joblessness for about 10 minutes! Gosh, what a reason to blog right?! But to be honest, its really difficult to get myself to write when I know I can't write at length.

I am in a whole new continent now, spending my daily life in a new environment, amongst completely different people. I had never imagined I'd feel this way about being here. Its all so new! But...I miss my old friends...I miss the place I spent the last 4 years of my life...I miss the lab and I really miss my ex professor. Everything is different here. Its a challenge, and I am embracing it everyday. But not a single day comes when I don't miss what used to be...

But all said n done, this place is beautiful, and exciting cuz of the weather extremities. The department is good, and it feels good be back into research and attending classes after a long time. I got a whole new set of Apple Products! The new MacBook Pro, the iPhone, and the IpodTouch! And Im totally pro mac now! Its just amazing! Moreover, I am revisiting the joys of long distance relations :)

Have made a new set of friends here, but of course I guess that time can never come back...its business more now :)

Ok my 10 mins are over now...I gt get back to what I was doing...but I just remembered that I missed the biggest point here...MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED!!! and i just cant believe it still...man!!!!!!!!

Love you sweetheart...wish u a very amazing wedded life! And I miss you a lot...

Friends forever...

I spoke to a friend after a long time today..someone who at one point of time was very close to me, who was my best friend. but then times changed and we lost touch. now when i spoke to that person after a long time, i was the same, i tried being with that friend the same way I used to, because no one can replace another friend, n this was the most special of all. But then upon pressing on askin to tell me something, I was told that the past has been wiped off and now I am a stranger to that person...that we cant be best friends in one day, we dont know each other...

Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...

No I am not wrong...

Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...

my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...

lots of love, urs, bambi...

Welcome to where I am...?

Yeah so Im back...back to my abode, my home, my everything. Or so I thought...?

I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...

The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...

Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(

Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...

Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.

As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...

But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(

I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...

I think, I miss my family...

As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...

Love you bloggie...

Of Noses and Nostrils

Wondering what this must be about? The first thing I guess everyone notices about a person is his/her nose and the way he/she twitches and 'tortures' it. I still don't know why the nose is such an abused feature of the face. I mean thats not the only protruding part right, you have ears, cheeks, lips etc. also that one can exploit all the time, but no one mishandles the other parts as much as the nose. Or maybe that just looks the most hideous on fiddling with! So there are many categories of nose-exploitations that I have observed. Will try to list them here.

1. The most common one is the 'push-up'. A twitch or itch, and the whole hand goes and pushes the nose up with full force, making it look like a pig's snout. I mean why does it have to be pushed up like that, it can just be slightly scratched, pulled at gently, or the horizontal finger movement putting your forefinger on the septum also suffices. It need not be pushed up to 180 degrees, making the person look ugly and at the same time creating a 'line of bend' in the middle of the nose surface.

2. Of course there is picking of the nose! This is not only ugly, but dirty too. Yes we all have phlegm. And it needs to be thrown out of the system, very well acknowledged. But it need not be done publicly using your finger nails to scratch out the 'substance', and then wipe your finger under the table. Cleaning your olfactory asset is a must for everyone, but the art of 'nose-picking' need not be so graphically displayed !

3. Then comes the flaring up of nostrils. This is my favourite part. Hehe, or rather least favourite part. I can go on and on writing about this. Everyone has different kinds of nostrils, long, short, huge, tiny, pointed, round and what not. Its very strange how these shapes hit the eye only when they are flared up. I would say the tiny round ones are the most fortunate, as the shape doesn't change for them even when they are flared up, but the most unfortunate ones are the pointed ones. One they are flared, they suddenly enlarge from the sides, and become more pointed than ever. Something like a 'lying down' isosceles triangle with the 2 arms being the upper and lower edges of the nostril and the base forming the third edge, vertically, but curved. Now when the nostril gets flared up, the point connecting the curved base and the upper-edge arm gets very fiercely pointed, and the curvy part gets bigger and rounder. Something like this.

And to top it up, somehow people who have this very prominent nostril-flare, also invariably end up flaring it most of the time! It becomes a part of their expressions, conversations, everything. Giving just a look to someone will not just be through the eye, eyebrow or lips (which are the usual pre-requisites for giving looks), but also through a flared nostril ! I used to wonder whether actually it is everyone who does it and its just very prominent for people with pointed nostrils but no, the ones with these pointed ones tend to exhibit them much more. Why that happens I really don't know. There are people who just cant have a normal conversation without flaring their nostrils. I mean usually nostrils are flared when one is breathing heavily, yawning or is angry. Yes there are exceptions to all categories here, but Im mentioning the most frequently occuring observation. Ok shape of a nostril and even the nose for that matter is something we can't do anything about. Some are really lucky, have beautiful noses and nostrils, some have one good, the other not-so-good, but some are the other extreme - huge prominent nose with prominent nostrils. We all have to live with it. But the flaring bit is voluntary right? If one wants to make their nostrils noticed, then its another thing, but being aware of how you look if you have prominent nostrils and when you flare them up all the time, is important for the sake of the visual comfort of people around. Trust me, half of the time the attention gets diverted from what you are saying to how you are distorting your prominent asset!

4. What else, their are noses with nose-hair sticking out. Hehe, everyone has nose-hair, but if you have even a slightly pointed up nose or nostril, it sticks out, making it look like a mucosal display! I know, one can't do much about this, but Im sure it can be trimmed slightly if its too prominent.

5. And yes, some people just love to fiddle with their noses all the time. Touch it, squeeze it, pinch it, push a nostril with a finger making it look like an 'almost-nose-pick' and what not! Oh come on, give the poor thing a rest, after all it helps you do the thing you need to sustain - breathe, give it some respect for that!


I think this is one of the observations that has always had an effect on me ever since I was a child. I used to hate it when some people closely related to me used to push up their nose when they had a cold or flare up their nostrils. Hehe, I have learnt over the years that its just something very natural, something which you can't care about all the time. I myself do some of the things mentioned above (except the nose-picking bit!), and I know one can't really be all sophisticated all the time. But mind you, I still stand by the fact that it is one of the amusing and sometimes unpleasant visual distractions one sees in people.

I used to feel that its only me who notices and gets affected by these observations, but of late, I realized that its not just me, when someone actually came and displayed their irritation on the way the other person's imposing personality was enhanced by a particularly prominent constant nose-flaring. There are other oddities of the facial expressions too, like hanging your lower lip exposing your gums, frothing your mouth while speaking too much because of not gulping your saliva etc., but the nose, and the nostrils are just the best! I don't think anything else catches as much attention as these 2 brothers do.

:D

I do not claim to be an epitome of sophistication at all, but penning down this observation which has been there in me since I was a child was quite amusing and fun I must say. No offense meant to anyone whatsoever :)

Mr./Ms. 20-something, this is for you...

This is something I read in one of the forwarded emails recently. I've read it a long time back once, but reading it again made me feel like I could relate to it more this time. Maybe I have really settled into the 20-something phase now !! Here goes ...


BEING IN TWENTIES – SOMETHING…

Thought this couldn't be more appropriate for us...

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling onto the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion
for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now.You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.

We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis….


They call it Quarter-life Crisis. I call it the Sine-Curve Insanity....

What exactly is a tag?

Once a friend said she had written a post on facebook and told me she had tagged me. The illiterate me looked for my name in it...again and again! I had even got a notification saying she had tagged me in that post, so where was it? Much later only did I learn that it means you are supposed to answer the questions your friend has answered in that post. Being tagged means basically being hand-cuffed and cornered, it means your friend has picked you as one amongst the chosen ones to go through this harrowing experience!!!

Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P

1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?

I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?

Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)

4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?

I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.

6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

As of now, I know all of them.

7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?

Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)

8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?

I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.

9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?

I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.

10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?

I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.

11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????

12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.

13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?

Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...

I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(

14) Five bloggers to be the next "victims"?

One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...

Here's the second one...

3 Smells I love:

1. Smell of wet earth

2. My mom's chicken curry

3. Mangoes!!

3 Smells I hate:

This one is easy :D

1. Smell of dirty toilets

2. Bad breath

3. Rotten food

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:

1. Research Assistant in a lab

2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress

3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:

1. All the Harry Potter Movies

2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)

3. Saathiya

There are many more :)

3 Fond memories:

1. My 24th birthday surprise

2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to

3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.

3 Jobs I would love to have:

1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.

2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners

3. A career counsellor in a university

3 Things I like to do:

1. Dance

2. Spend time with my loved ones

3. Blog

3 Of my favorite foods:

1. JUNK FOOD!!!

2. Paneer dishes

3. Lady's finger preparations

3 Places I would like to be right now:

1. Next to my grandparents

2. In my ex-college with my friends

3. A dance school

3 Things that make me cry:

1. A fight with a loved one

2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express

3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly

This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...

Being a woman

I am feeling very irritated right now. I can't really pinpoint a reason. Suddenly I am very repulsed by the messiness of my room, my house, particularly my bathroom. If the way of drying clothes is a little stupid, (you hang them in a hanger and then lift them up with rods onto a bar high up), its just driving me nuts. Why can't there be simple clothes lining like we used to have in our homes or a dryer which dries everything. While doing all this, I just saw myself and realized that I was looking so haggard. My hair was unkempt, my face was dried up, I mean I had just taken a bath. I should have looked fresh, felt fresh. But even though I had a bath, I was feeling all hot and restless from within. Then all sorts of negative things started coming to my mind. About how frustrating certain days of the month can be, how irritating certain phases of life are, how sometimes you just feel like screaming or being snappy without any rhyme or reason. It really requires a patient person to understand a woman. Thats why there are so many jokes and wild humor that men share about 'women', 'marriage', 'unpredicatbility', 'no logic' and so on and so forth. I can't blame them cuz some times are really like that, senseless. But I think when God made a woman, he made her so rich from inside, that it became practically impossible for her to carry her weight all the time in a balanced manner...what people fondly call 'emotional baggage'. There is so much to a woman - love, passion, beauty...everything is more complicated than men, be it the physical exterior or the deep interior. Naturally to balance it out, God gave women the pains too...pains of being a girl when you reach age, pains of being a partner when you have to be careful about so many things, pains of being a mother, both biologically and emotionally, pains of being a home-keeper (by default it is more a responsibility of the woman in the house) and what not. I feel that a person who sees a woman in her wholeness is someone who truly appreciates God's creativity. While hanging some clothes today I remembered my mother, and got reminded of how I used to criticize her all the time for looking haggard, for suddenly scolding me and my sister without any reason, for suddenly bursting out at my father when he asked a simple question. The same mother, without whom I would not be what I am today, whose love, unconditional love and utmost care and concern come what may, for everyone in her family, made us all united as one. This capability, again, is a way of God's creativity in designing a woman, where he gave her an inner strength to endure everything. I sincerely hope that people who mock women seriously for what they are, realize that it is not easy to be everything for everyone in one lifetime...

No, nothing happened that made me write this. I guess its just a realization that came to me when I could see myself as I saw my mother a few years back. Just as a note to her, I love you Ma, for everything that you are. You are the world's best woman in my life...

So I start blogging...

Well, this would not really be a 'first blog', I mean I have a site where I used to post stuff quite regularly at one point of time. But then, without realizing, I drifted away from myself...from things I love to do, one of them being writing. So why back again to the abode of the expressive ones?? Lots of reasons I'd say...the biggest one being the most common excuse in the world, time.

So yeah, I have had a lot of time for myself in the past few days, thanks to my little accident. I sprained my ankle really badly, tore a couple of ligaments and am now dependent on a robotic looking thing called 'leg walker'. It certainly does help me walk, without which I can't even limp around, but its still painful, and I am supposed to be taking bed rest for a few days. What happened that led to this accident is a long and dramatic story, which I won't do justice to if I abridge here. That will be a separate post, sometime later when I feel like it. Now I just feel like making myself comfortable in this abode.

It feels great to be typing out my feelings again, only this time I have chosen to keep a low 'profile'. No matter how expressive one is, I believe a lot gets filtered if you tell the web who you are. And I don't want to filter anything now. This is the place where I am who I am, completely, a place where I don't have to please anyone or be apprehensive about offending anyone. Its my space, where I can lay out the intricacies, simplicities and complications of my feelings and emotions without trying to blend in with the world's practicalities.

So here I am, and I promise myself to be a regular this time, and not let anything or anyone else attain priority over this part of me. And to begin with a positive note, I would like to say that I am lucky to find a dear friend, a sweetheart, who re-introduced me to myself, reminded me of who I am, and brought me back to this space...thanks so much MG...you have no idea what this means to me :)