This post is very dear to me...made me realise the difference between writing for yourself and writing for others...
Wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to travel time? Well, in some sense we do, right? A Déjà vu, a coincidental familiarity, a fragrance, a behavior, a face, a body language, a color, an attire, an attitude, a tune, a photograph, some words, and most often, the work of an idle mind's perhaps devilish workshop. Just a trigger and our mind in all its capabilities has raced back in History, reminiscing 'the erstwhile'...
A close friend would often very rightly say, "The past always seems beautiful" during moments of bitter complaining about the current situation. Ever wondered why? Come to think of it, everyone equipped with logic would agree that the bygones seem rosy only in the context of a comparison. However in spite of this knowledge, we still like to take a leap in time and sit on a comfortable couch, viewing the events of the past on a huge LCD monitor of our minds, even if it makes us cry! Is it even worth it? Knowing that we will perhaps yearn for this present moment in the future, we still don't live in the present. All preachings and philosophies point towards the same direction - that of living in the moment, living every day as it comes, living for the present and not the past or the future. But then again, since when did the mind follow the simpler path? It has to be convoluted, something like the strong tendency of this universe to achieve the highest degree of entropy. Geeky, yes, but true! So why not forget about correcting or protecting ourselves from the complications of the mind for a while and marvel the natural penchant of this beautiful and unfathomable part of us?
I guess a considerable part of the person I am is defined by how much I live in yesterday. So much so that one moment I'm arguing with my mom on how much luggage she is carrying, and within a second crying over how I would miss every moment with her tomorrow. I mean that's not even nostalgia, that's preparing for nostalgia! Even though most often it makes me yearn for those moments and dream away rather than doing something productive, I still treasure the 'vintage goodness' associated with the feeling. For a modest contribution by what words can describe, I present to you a memoir of my favorite station in a journey to the past - that of the merlion city, the 'fine' city, Singa land, or how locals call it, Singapura!
Four years, or perhaps a lifetime. Seems like I didn't have enough of my first home away from home. Be it the extreme humid conditions or the bliss in riding MRT trains, any mention of this country brings a smile on my face and a dream in my eyes - a dream to go back there, to walk those streets of NUS again where I spent four years growing up. And literally growing up - from a 20 year old fresh out of the comforts of home, to a much hardened and seasoned person. Oh how I miss taking the twisted route every afternoon from Chemical Biology through the overhead bridge to Chemistry and then taking the elevator, crossing the NMR facility, and walking in the sun to reach Spinelli, its Cookie Spin waiting for me to be bought and relished...the evening snacking on spring rolls and veg paus along with Avocado milkshakes or Vegetarian Pesto in Megabites...the late nights in Kim lab and strolling on the extremely narrow and suicidal(!) balconies of the sixth floor labs in DBS, the 24-hour Cheese Prata and Dadi's shops feeding us hungry grad students middle of the night...the huge cup of Iced Milo and Bee Hoon along with Kaya bread in Jumbo cafe, near Block 21 Dover Crescent, a very important place in my life...bus no. 188 going to Harbor Front, where I would get off, cross the road and get into vivo city, the then biggest mall in Singapore, bus no. 33 taking me to China town, where I would get off at Pagoda Street and buy souvenirs for home...the road from Changi airport to home, where every tree would have its branches bent in the exact same angle along with every other artificial arrangement in the country (something I would bicker about all the time)...the bike path along the canal at the end of Clementi Avenue 4 where I had spent hours biking back and forth...the feeling of home on entering Kent Vale apartments, where I spent two years staying with my family...the walk from lab to Dover Road...the paranthas and gobi dinners at Dover aunty's shop...hours at Prof. Kim's place with Momo and Appukuttan...Starhub outlets...Ashish's laptop and blasting music...Roopsha's smiling face...Priya's home-cooked food...Anand's characteristic walk...the Karthik-Aysh-Gauri-Prasanna-Sheela group...the Graduate Congress dance practises...Lecture Theatre 20...the festive Bazaars in the canteens...Unmesh and our cups of chai...Suni-Suja...NUS Co-op...NUH canteen on days when Science canteen was closed...hair rebonding at Clementi...the bench outside Kim lab...50 cents coffee or coke...West Coast Park...Rangoli restaurant spelt as RangOOli...Shubhendro Chatterjee...Jade theatre for Hindi movies...Ray...a ray of hope...
<...trailing off...>
...a ray of hope...of reliving those moments, of going back there, and expecting EVERYTHING to be the same..and suddenly Mr. Reality knocks on your forehead waking you up from this bliss shouting, the only thing that is constant is change, don't forget that! All this is over...it can NEVER come back...even if I go back (which I am very soon by the way, so Singa-lings, prepare to party!!), the only thing that would be the same would be my mind and its memories. The people, the places, the activities...would have all moved on, even the buildings would bold out the words 'GUEST' as I enter them. I wouldn't belong there anymore, I would just be a visitor, making a visit - to the past. But...here is the catch - if we were really visiting the past, we would be traveling time, and that, to date, has not been achieved as possible. So are these experiences lost forever? Each and every minute of our life that goes by, do we lose them once and for all?
The answer, as you all would have intuitively guessed, is - nostalgia, a permanent possession, something no one can snatch away, and something no one can describe...just like the utmost jumbled-up likes of a paragraph I wrote in an attempt to present a memoir from my book of nostalgias. I'm sorry that the words above made no sense, they perhaps would seem unconnected even to the ones familiar with the terms, but that's my point. With all due respect to the heroes married to writing, and utmost acknowledgement towards the patient and considerate readers, I would say that the intricate beauty of the journey our minds take us through can NEVER be made justice to by the grandest of words or phrases, no matter how avid a writer one is. Not claiming to be anywhere close to an amateur in this field, I sign off, leaving you wonderful readers with a question for yourselves...Yes, sometimes living in the past is painful, but is it worth pushing away every reminiscence of your experiences in an attempt to live in the present and be happy? In the process, you may lose not only a possible new interpretation of your past that will help you grow, but also the only fossil of an experience that can never repeat itself in your life. Sometimes, dwelling in yesterday with its complete package of the good and the bad might have a secret role to play in shaping your present and future. Think about it :)
Showing posts with label I love Bloggie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I love Bloggie. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Around her world in 3267 days...
Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...
Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.
However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?
Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...
D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to hi
m in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...
The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...
Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...
D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...
After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.
There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.
She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.
And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...
To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...
Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...
A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -
1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be
2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.
3. Always give priority to what you think is right
4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours
5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist
6. No one loves you more than himself/herself
7. Life is black or white, single or committed.
8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT
9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS
10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one
11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way
12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you
13. Be yourself completely
14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you
15. Its good to be mean at times
16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.
17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.
18. Its good to swear sometimes.
19. No one is close to God.
20. Never let people trample your self esteem
21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.
22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.
23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.
24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT
25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...
Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!
AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED
FEELINGS!!!!
Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.
However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?
Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...
D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to hi
m in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...
Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...
D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...
After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.
There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.
She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.
And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...
To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...
Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...
A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -
1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be
2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.
3. Always give priority to what you think is right
4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours
5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist
6. No one loves you more than himself/herself
7. Life is black or white, single or committed.
8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT
9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS
10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one
11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way
12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you
13. Be yourself completely
14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you
15. Its good to be mean at times
16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.
17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.
18. Its good to swear sometimes.
19. No one is close to God.
20. Never let people trample your self esteem
21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.
22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.
23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.
24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT
25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...
Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!
AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED
FEELINGS!!!!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tracking a dot in the middle of the skies
Flight trackers are such a blessing I must say. Thousands of flights are flying all over the skies everyday from one direction to another, all of them being tracked or traced, monitored etc. Sometimes these tracking sites throw out results like "Flight over large water body, so untrackable"....feels so weird.
But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.
But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is...
Sigh...one month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...
Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...
Mee,
BB
But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.
But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is...
Sigh...one month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...
Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...
Mee,
BB
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A sudden gush of wind
Sometimes you just impulsively feel like doing something. Right now I felt that for writing a post. I don't know what I want to say, but it seems like there is loads...
Its been crazy of late - an 8.30 class every morning, a problem set due every week, a journal club and a lab meeting presentation, topped with three papers to read at the last moment before a seminar, mentoring an undergraduate, settling accounts, making a poster for a conference, getting some travel documents endorsed...and the list goes on.
I didn't sleep last night, I almost slept off right under the professor's nose in the seminar, I havent eaten lunch today, and I have a heap of an assignment to do. But amidst all this, I feel blissful...
I love my new apartment. I am remembering a friend's painting I saw yesterday which has filled me up with creative thoughts. I am in total awe of a friend who has been there through thick and thin and literally been my best friend. I feel absolutely happy about getting back a friendship with a dearest of dear friends. I feel closer to my roommate and have a new level of affection for her. I am dying to meet some of my most favourite people next week.
Basically as a friend's blog title reads, I'm lovin' it!!
:):)
Its been crazy of late - an 8.30 class every morning, a problem set due every week, a journal club and a lab meeting presentation, topped with three papers to read at the last moment before a seminar, mentoring an undergraduate, settling accounts, making a poster for a conference, getting some travel documents endorsed...and the list goes on.
I didn't sleep last night, I almost slept off right under the professor's nose in the seminar, I havent eaten lunch today, and I have a heap of an assignment to do. But amidst all this, I feel blissful...
I love my new apartment. I am remembering a friend's painting I saw yesterday which has filled me up with creative thoughts. I am in total awe of a friend who has been there through thick and thin and literally been my best friend. I feel absolutely happy about getting back a friendship with a dearest of dear friends. I feel closer to my roommate and have a new level of affection for her. I am dying to meet some of my most favourite people next week.
Basically as a friend's blog title reads, I'm lovin' it!!
:):)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Ripples in the water
I think this would be the most abstract post I have written so far. So I guess its no point trying to make sense out of it.
Sometimes in a calm lake, without any warning, you would see ripples. These ripples do not sustain for a very long time, but even as they are there and disturbing the serenity of the lake, you know they will leave, and you patiently wait till they leave... Sometimes they are quite strong and are capable of shaking you, but sometimes even if they just tickle you for a bit, you enjoy the pleasing sensation. You know you wouldn't want these ripples or the tickles to last too long, yet you immerse yourself fully in them and wait for them to leave, to die down. Resisting them doesn't help, because you don't see the actual warmth of these ripples until you actually let go for a while and let them take over you. Its something like a beautiful experience which could turn dangerous if lasted too long...
Life does offer these ripples once in a while, trying to sway you from your natural and preplanned stream of approaching the river, doesn't it? :)
Sometimes in a calm lake, without any warning, you would see ripples. These ripples do not sustain for a very long time, but even as they are there and disturbing the serenity of the lake, you know they will leave, and you patiently wait till they leave... Sometimes they are quite strong and are capable of shaking you, but sometimes even if they just tickle you for a bit, you enjoy the pleasing sensation. You know you wouldn't want these ripples or the tickles to last too long, yet you immerse yourself fully in them and wait for them to leave, to die down. Resisting them doesn't help, because you don't see the actual warmth of these ripples until you actually let go for a while and let them take over you. Its something like a beautiful experience which could turn dangerous if lasted too long...
Life does offer these ripples once in a while, trying to sway you from your natural and preplanned stream of approaching the river, doesn't it? :)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The City of Four Lakes
Wow, this is the fourth post in the last week or ten days. Am I on a roll or what !! I guess thats how it happens with me, a phase of very frequent writing, and then a really long break. Its ok I guess...its more natural this way :)
So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...
Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)
Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)
A bit of trivia -
1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!
2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)
3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)
4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!
I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)
So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...
Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)
Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)
A bit of trivia -
1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!
2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)
3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)
4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!
I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Relationships
So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.
There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.
One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.
Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.
Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.
And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.
So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I'll be the change I want to see in people
BBMIMES...
Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...
I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)
Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.
The rest doesn't matter...
To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...
Friday, February 12, 2010
YAYYYY!!!
I cant believe it!!! I am doing the YES!+ course again soon :):):):)
Im soooooo excited :D
I had never thought I would get so involved or look forward to something so much...
Sometimes I feel...maybe Shilpa Rau was right???
OMG OMG OMG
Cool na? 2 posts back to back with totally contradictory moods...it seems my bloggie answered my prayers...the moment I got back in touch you caressed me and served me with the right path on a silver platter :)
LOVE YOU BLOGGIE :)
Im soooooo excited :D
I had never thought I would get so involved or look forward to something so much...
Sometimes I feel...maybe Shilpa Rau was right???
OMG OMG OMG
Cool na? 2 posts back to back with totally contradictory moods...it seems my bloggie answered my prayers...the moment I got back in touch you caressed me and served me with the right path on a silver platter :)
LOVE YOU BLOGGIE :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Credit card, Free Books, Aloo da paratha, massive cleaning, Chicken Rezala, and DDLJ with French Vanilla Coffee!!!!!
An eventful day in every way,
that started with a touch of snow flakes...
Going to the bank with friends in the cold..
Credit card, quarters, checkbook and book-sales
Lunch was a ton of gala n fun,
with mehnat on the atta and the aloo-mashing
we fried the stuff in ghee with a screwd up face by me,
But relished the meal in a pepped up gathering
There came a lull phase after that,
Where assignment went right over-head
I tried n tried but Oh I couldnt read,
And so decided to try being a little 'home-bred'
The kitchen, the floor, the utensils n all,
The scrubbing and mopping and dusting through,
A rearrangement of the dishwasher stuff,
And then a chance to sigh n say 'phew'
With the kitchen clean came out my cooking spree
And out popped a customized chicken dish
My debut in cooking a non-veg item,
And it turned out to be one everyone did relish!
How to end the day in the best way,
what better than my favourite film,
DDLJ with Kajol n SRK,
And French Vanilla Coffee, full of lather n cream :)
As I retire to bed with a smile on my face
I say to myself it was a good day
When friends make you smile and you feel at peace,
I tell myself, I want to do this everyday.
I know I can't do poetry for nuts,
But im still going ahead and trying my wits
Its 3 am in the morning and Im half brain dead,
So I'll sum up by sayin...
CC, FB, ADP, MC, CR, DDJL n FVC are acronyms which come out of the mind of a sleepy brainless good for nothing piece of disconnected candy coated cockroachy creature who is babbling like a bunch of big berzerk baboons...and you guys are wasting your time reading this...
THE BOTTOM LINE IS I HAD A VERY SATISFYING DAY !!!! I guess you got the point....ok m sleeping....
Bye....
Gnite....
Sweet dreams...
Ok why am i saying this to u, it might be day time...
See what I mean....
I should really go...
Ok then....
zzzzzzzz.....
hope tomorrow is also as....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....................
Thursday, September 3, 2009
From June to September in 10 minutes...
And yes its been ages, I know...so muchhhhhh has happened, and has been happening that its practically impossible to pen it down here now. I would be spending the next 2 weeks if I were to pen every detail here, and honestly, time is what I don't have now :(
So why have I suddenly peeped into the blog world again? Well for one thing I didn't wanna abandon my blog..and well...lets say, I am in a moment of joblessness for about 10 minutes! Gosh, what a reason to blog right?! But to be honest, its really difficult to get myself to write when I know I can't write at length.
I am in a whole new continent now, spending my daily life in a new environment, amongst completely different people. I had never imagined I'd feel this way about being here. Its all so new! But...I miss my old friends...I miss the place I spent the last 4 years of my life...I miss the lab and I really miss my ex professor. Everything is different here. Its a challenge, and I am embracing it everyday. But not a single day comes when I don't miss what used to be...
But all said n done, this place is beautiful, and exciting cuz of the weather extremities. The department is good, and it feels good be back into research and attending classes after a long time. I got a whole new set of Apple Products! The new MacBook Pro, the iPhone, and the IpodTouch! And Im totally pro mac now! Its just amazing! Moreover, I am revisiting the joys of long distance relations :)
Have made a new set of friends here, but of course I guess that time can never come back...its business more now :)
Ok my 10 mins are over now...I gt get back to what I was doing...but I just remembered that I missed the biggest point here...MY BEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED!!! and i just cant believe it still...man!!!!!!!!
Love you sweetheart...wish u a very amazing wedded life! And I miss you a lot...
Friday, May 29, 2009
Welcome to where I am...?
Yeah so Im back...back to my abode, my home, my everything. Or so I thought...?
I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...
The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...
Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(
Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...
Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.
As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...
But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(
I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...
I think, I miss my family...
As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...
Love you bloggie...
I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...
The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...
Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(
Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...
Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.
As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...
But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(
I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...
I think, I miss my family...
As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...
Love you bloggie...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Bad food, headache, lots of work and no fun :(
I realised how important food can be towards your general mood. I have been a little stressed with work of late as I am about to finish and leave in less than a week. Other than work, there is a lot of other things to do, regarding packing up, closing accounts, getting back deposits etc. Amidst all this, even though I know I am not obligated to, I really want to finish certain things at my workplace. And so far it hasnt worked. Im trying different things. Just took an extension of another 4 days before I can report to my boss about what all I can hand over to him. Today while doing an experiment with a UV machine, I suddenly got a strong headache. That headache now percolated to my back and now my whole body is aching. I learnt from someone that it is not very powerful, the wavelength is longer, so it should not be a thing to worry about. Sure ok that was relieveing to hear. But my aches havent gone down. I had asked my friend to pack up food from a place we have never eaten at before, because Ive tasted it from someone else's box a couple of times and it tasted good. I was looking forward to jus that. Good food...was really hungry. And then after what seemed like hours, we took our boxes outside to sit and eat. I opened the box, and it looked completely different from what I had expected...plain white stuff, be it the cabbage or the rice or anything else, some beans which weren't that great, and overall no salt! It totally put me down further! My friend tried to cheer me up by getting me coke later but that din help a bit! Ever since Ive been even more low. Seriously I was never affected by bad food ever before. Donno if I really din care or I din get to experience before. But whatever it is, it certainly added on to the general stress of life today. I wanna take a break, do something creative. Lets see, maybe I should do it. In fact, I'll do it right away...right then bloggie...hope that helps...cya later...love you!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Of Noses and Nostrils
Wondering what this must be about? The first thing I guess everyone notices about a person is his/her nose and the way he/she twitches and 'tortures' it. I still don't know why the nose is such an abused feature of the face. I mean thats not the only protruding part right, you have ears, cheeks, lips etc. also that one can exploit all the time, but no one mishandles the other parts as much as the nose. Or maybe that just looks the most hideous on fiddling with! So there are many categories of nose-exploitations that I have observed. Will try to list them here.1. The most common one is the 'push-up'. A twitch or itch, and the whole hand goes and pushes the nose up with full force, making it look like a pig's snout. I mean why does it have to be pushed up like that, it can just be slightly scratched, pulled at gently, or the horizontal finger movement putting your forefinger on the septum also suffices. It need not be pushed up to 180 degrees, making the person look ugly and at the same time creating a 'line of bend' in the middle of the nose surface.
2. Of course there is picking of the nose! This is not only ugly, but dirty too. Yes we all have phlegm. And it needs to be thrown out of the system, very well acknowledged. But it need not be done publicly using your finger nails to scratch out the 'substance', and then wipe your finger under the table. Cleaning your olfactory asset is a must for everyone, but the art of 'nose-picking' need not be so graphically displayed !
3. Then comes the flaring up of nostrils. This is my favourite part. Hehe, or rather least favourite part. I can go on and on writing about this. Everyone has different kinds of nostrils, long, short, huge, tiny, pointed, round and what not. Its very strange how these shapes hit the eye only when they are flared up. I would say the tiny round ones are the most fortunate, as the shape doesn't change for them even when they are flared up, but the most unfortunate ones are the pointed ones. One they are flared, they suddenly enlarge from the sides, and become more pointed than ever. Something like a 'lying down' isosceles triangle with the 2 arms being the upper and lower edges of the nostril and the base forming the third edge, vertically, but curved. Now when the nostril gets flared up, the point connecting the curved base and the upper-edge arm gets very fiercely pointed, and the curvy part gets bigger and rounder. Something like this.
And to top it up, somehow people who have this very prominent nostril-flare, also invariably end up flaring it most of the time! It becomes a part of their expressions, conversations, everything. Giving just a look to someone will not just be through the eye, eyebrow or lips (which are the usual pre-requisites for giving looks), but also through a flared nostril ! I used to wonder whether actually it is everyone who does it and its just very prominent for people with pointed nostrils but no, the ones with these pointed ones tend to exhibit them much more. Why that happens I really don't know. There are people who just cant have a normal conversation without flaring their nostrils. I mean usually nostrils are flared when one is breathing heavily, yawning or is angry. Yes there are exceptions to all categories here, but Im mentioning the most frequently occuring observation. Ok shape of a nostril and even the nose for that matter is something we can't do anything about. Some are really lucky, have beautiful noses and nostrils, some have one good, the other not-so-good, but some are the other extreme - huge prominent nose with prominent nostrils. We all have to live with it. But the flaring bit is voluntary right? If one wants to make their nostrils noticed, then its another thing, but being aware of how you look if you have prominent nostrils and when you flare them up all the time, is important for the sake of the visual comfort of people around. Trust me, half of the time the attention gets diverted from what you are saying to how you are distorting your prominent asset!
4. What else, their are noses with nose-hair sticking out. Hehe, everyone has nose-hair, but if you have even a slightly pointed up nose or nostril, it sticks out, making it look like a mucosal display! I know, one can't do much about this, but Im sure it can be trimmed slightly if its too prominent.
5. And yes, some people just love to fiddle with their noses all the time. Touch it, squeeze it, pinch it, push a nostril with a finger making it look like an 'almost-nose-pick' and what not! Oh come on, give the poor thing a rest, after all it helps you do the thing you need to sustain - breathe, give it some respect for that!
I think this is one of the observations that has always had an effect on me ever since I was a child. I used to hate it when some people closely related to me used to push up their nose when they had a cold or flare up their nostrils. Hehe, I have learnt over the years that its just something very natural, something which you can't care about all the time. I myself do some of the things mentioned above (except the nose-picking bit!), and I know one can't really be all sophisticated all the time. But mind you, I still stand by the fact that it is one of the amusing and sometimes unpleasant visual distractions one sees in people.
I used to feel that its only me who notices and gets affected by these observations, but of late, I realized that its not just me, when someone actually came and displayed their irritation on the way the other person's imposing personality was enhanced by a particularly prominent constant nose-flaring. There are other oddities of the facial expressions too, like hanging your lower lip exposing your gums, frothing your mouth while speaking too much because of not gulping your saliva etc., but the nose, and the nostrils are just the best! I don't think anything else catches as much attention as these 2 brothers do.
:D
I do not claim to be an epitome of sophistication at all, but penning down this observation which has been there in me since I was a child was quite amusing and fun I must say. No offense meant to anyone whatsoever :)
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