Its amazing how sometimes you feel like your prayers are being answered, when you feel the presence of the invisible one...
Last night was a bad one, for no reason. I'd say just cyclical. I found myself crying for all the little problems I have in life due to no trigger at all. And it was real crying, consisting of fisting in the air and all that. And I knew its just biological, but couldn't prevent it. Anyway, thankfully it lasted just about 45 minutes after which I was exhausted but feeling better. It was then amidst the 'recovery period' that I was shown, through a webcam, the screaming skies of Singapore - trees madly swaying in the storm, thunder crackling the window panes. In spite of being separated by the virtual world, I could feel the weather there. And oh, I longed for it so much! Hoping that at least once I get to witness a rainy day here. I mean snow oh yes, there is tons of it, but rain, not so much. And I realised I missed the rain...
Exhausted, I fell asleep with the lights turned on, to wake up to a messy bed, and both phone and laptop discharged. It seemed like it was early morning, from the little light I could see through the creaks of the curtains. I felt surprised having woken up that early considering I slept so late. Until I see the time - 9.30 am. That definitely didn't feel like 9.30am! I pulled open my curtains and there to my delight was the street of Madison wet with pouring rain! Oh the same feeling, after ages...filled up my heart! I quickly cleaned up my room, and invited a close friend over who made coffee for me :D It felt amazing, sitting and looking up pottery pictures, talking about spending the summers painting, and much about my childhood which I so terribly miss. He left and I decided I'm going to make pakoras today...yummm...in the evening with chai! A surge of energy to work, which is evident hasn't been embarked upon yet :P and a hope that this lasts for a while...
As I sit by my window on my chair and write this, I see people walking by in raincoats or under umbrellas. The view is slightly different, as these are different people, not the same uncles and aunties I am familiar with, but nonetheless, at least the weather feels like home. Small pleasures in life :-) And I thank you for giving me this happiness, even for a while...:-)
Showing posts with label Happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Happiness. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Around her world in 3267 days...
Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...
Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.
However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?
Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...
D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to hi
m in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...
The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...
Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...
D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...
After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.
There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.
She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.
And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...
To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...
Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...
A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -
1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be
2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.
3. Always give priority to what you think is right
4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours
5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist
6. No one loves you more than himself/herself
7. Life is black or white, single or committed.
8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT
9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS
10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one
11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way
12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you
13. Be yourself completely
14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you
15. Its good to be mean at times
16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.
17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.
18. Its good to swear sometimes.
19. No one is close to God.
20. Never let people trample your self esteem
21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.
22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.
23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.
24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT
25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...
Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!
AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED
FEELINGS!!!!
Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.
However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?
Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...
D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to hi
m in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...
Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...
D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...
After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.
There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.
She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.
And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...
To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...
Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...
A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -
1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be
2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.
3. Always give priority to what you think is right
4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours
5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist
6. No one loves you more than himself/herself
7. Life is black or white, single or committed.
8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT
9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS
10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one
11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way
12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you
13. Be yourself completely
14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you
15. Its good to be mean at times
16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.
17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.
18. Its good to swear sometimes.
19. No one is close to God.
20. Never let people trample your self esteem
21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.
22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.
23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.
24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT
25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...
Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!
AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED
FEELINGS!!!!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A sudden gush of wind
Sometimes you just impulsively feel like doing something. Right now I felt that for writing a post. I don't know what I want to say, but it seems like there is loads...
Its been crazy of late - an 8.30 class every morning, a problem set due every week, a journal club and a lab meeting presentation, topped with three papers to read at the last moment before a seminar, mentoring an undergraduate, settling accounts, making a poster for a conference, getting some travel documents endorsed...and the list goes on.
I didn't sleep last night, I almost slept off right under the professor's nose in the seminar, I havent eaten lunch today, and I have a heap of an assignment to do. But amidst all this, I feel blissful...
I love my new apartment. I am remembering a friend's painting I saw yesterday which has filled me up with creative thoughts. I am in total awe of a friend who has been there through thick and thin and literally been my best friend. I feel absolutely happy about getting back a friendship with a dearest of dear friends. I feel closer to my roommate and have a new level of affection for her. I am dying to meet some of my most favourite people next week.
Basically as a friend's blog title reads, I'm lovin' it!!
:):)
Its been crazy of late - an 8.30 class every morning, a problem set due every week, a journal club and a lab meeting presentation, topped with three papers to read at the last moment before a seminar, mentoring an undergraduate, settling accounts, making a poster for a conference, getting some travel documents endorsed...and the list goes on.
I didn't sleep last night, I almost slept off right under the professor's nose in the seminar, I havent eaten lunch today, and I have a heap of an assignment to do. But amidst all this, I feel blissful...
I love my new apartment. I am remembering a friend's painting I saw yesterday which has filled me up with creative thoughts. I am in total awe of a friend who has been there through thick and thin and literally been my best friend. I feel absolutely happy about getting back a friendship with a dearest of dear friends. I feel closer to my roommate and have a new level of affection for her. I am dying to meet some of my most favourite people next week.
Basically as a friend's blog title reads, I'm lovin' it!!
:):)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The City of Four Lakes
Wow, this is the fourth post in the last week or ten days. Am I on a roll or what !! I guess thats how it happens with me, a phase of very frequent writing, and then a really long break. Its ok I guess...its more natural this way :)
So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...
Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)
Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)
A bit of trivia -
1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!
2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)
3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)
4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!
I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)
So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...
Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)
Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)
A bit of trivia -
1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!
2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)
3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)
4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!
I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Relationships
So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.
There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.
One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.
Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.
Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.
And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.
So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I'll be the change I want to see in people
BBMIMES...
Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...
I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)
Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.
The rest doesn't matter...
To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
VIBGYOR...
7 colours...distinct, yet beautiful together. This is how I feel at the moment. We just celebrated a friend's birthday...and got high on ice cream, dancing, drinks, friendship, emotions, songs and basically all colours of life. Its 3 am, but I feel really content, and at peace.
I saw, or rather discovered some new aspects of some of my friends, which brought a smile on my face. In this fast paced world, it was nice to see some intense friendship and emotions, even if it was the alcohol that spilt it out. I saw one of my friends sing with the most genuine and truest passion ever...I found out that he has an amazing voice. I also discovered that he is a very intense friend...just never expresses. I saw him console another friend in a very caring manner...something I didnt think he would do. I saw another friend cry his heart out...with the freedom of a little child...something which no one shows these days. We laughed, we danced, we sang, we just basically had a great time.
Its amazing to see a group of strangers evolve into close friends. I will miss C when she leaves soon so much, shes suchh a sweet and cheerful and considerate and selfless person. I never really thought of this but I will miss her. I am really happy to see JKG and Rshit...:) very cute couple...:) Another little thing keeps shut most of the time in her room with D(square)...but has the most amazing smile when shes in the spirits...and of course the 2 others I spoke about before. We are all different flavours...when put together in the right amount creating a satisfying dish....that of friendship and happy moments. I danced my heart out today...after a longgg time...and spent some memorable moments. I will remember this day...27th Feb 2010
:) VIBGYOR...thats how I would define the seven of us :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
YAYYYY!!!
I cant believe it!!! I am doing the YES!+ course again soon :):):):)
Im soooooo excited :D
I had never thought I would get so involved or look forward to something so much...
Sometimes I feel...maybe Shilpa Rau was right???
OMG OMG OMG
Cool na? 2 posts back to back with totally contradictory moods...it seems my bloggie answered my prayers...the moment I got back in touch you caressed me and served me with the right path on a silver platter :)
LOVE YOU BLOGGIE :)
Im soooooo excited :D
I had never thought I would get so involved or look forward to something so much...
Sometimes I feel...maybe Shilpa Rau was right???
OMG OMG OMG
Cool na? 2 posts back to back with totally contradictory moods...it seems my bloggie answered my prayers...the moment I got back in touch you caressed me and served me with the right path on a silver platter :)
LOVE YOU BLOGGIE :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Credit card, Free Books, Aloo da paratha, massive cleaning, Chicken Rezala, and DDLJ with French Vanilla Coffee!!!!!
An eventful day in every way,
that started with a touch of snow flakes...
Going to the bank with friends in the cold..
Credit card, quarters, checkbook and book-sales
Lunch was a ton of gala n fun,
with mehnat on the atta and the aloo-mashing
we fried the stuff in ghee with a screwd up face by me,
But relished the meal in a pepped up gathering
There came a lull phase after that,
Where assignment went right over-head
I tried n tried but Oh I couldnt read,
And so decided to try being a little 'home-bred'
The kitchen, the floor, the utensils n all,
The scrubbing and mopping and dusting through,
A rearrangement of the dishwasher stuff,
And then a chance to sigh n say 'phew'
With the kitchen clean came out my cooking spree
And out popped a customized chicken dish
My debut in cooking a non-veg item,
And it turned out to be one everyone did relish!
How to end the day in the best way,
what better than my favourite film,
DDLJ with Kajol n SRK,
And French Vanilla Coffee, full of lather n cream :)
As I retire to bed with a smile on my face
I say to myself it was a good day
When friends make you smile and you feel at peace,
I tell myself, I want to do this everyday.
I know I can't do poetry for nuts,
But im still going ahead and trying my wits
Its 3 am in the morning and Im half brain dead,
So I'll sum up by sayin...
CC, FB, ADP, MC, CR, DDJL n FVC are acronyms which come out of the mind of a sleepy brainless good for nothing piece of disconnected candy coated cockroachy creature who is babbling like a bunch of big berzerk baboons...and you guys are wasting your time reading this...
THE BOTTOM LINE IS I HAD A VERY SATISFYING DAY !!!! I guess you got the point....ok m sleeping....
Bye....
Gnite....
Sweet dreams...
Ok why am i saying this to u, it might be day time...
See what I mean....
I should really go...
Ok then....
zzzzzzzz.....
hope tomorrow is also as....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....................
Friday, June 5, 2009
Repeat Telecast
A night to remember. That was a few years back. All my friends had come home for a night out. My parents weren't home and we had a blast. The whole night full of fun and frolic was ended with a one hour nap. Come 5 am, with rain greeting us along with the twitter of birds, we all ventured out to bask in the glory of an early morning. Wet earth fragrance lingering around, we splashed our way to the most beautiful spot of the city, walking. And then it poured like the most beautiful rainfall ever. Drenched in water, we ran across to the nearest canteen and begged the shopkeeper for food at 7 am. It was closed and he refused. We walked back home, at left over food from the previous night and tea and then slept. The photographs of that day still makes me smile...
Today was a repeat telecast. The same concept of my friends staying over night as my parents aren't home. The same people except for one who was replaced by a new member. Well this one wasnt really a friend but a friend of a friend. It started with disappointment due to miscommunication wherein two of them had made other plans. And then discomfort amidst the rest due to irritation. Then there was ordering of food stuff and drinks. Followed by a game of cards called flash. Everyone was enjoying, and it looked good. But I guess I am never gonna be a cards person. I felt a little left out, in my own house, what an irony!! But spoke to a dear one and felt better...really felt better :) Felt like I have someone my own :) that really helped...and then I came back to the scene.
Those two who had gone off returned, and then the party began! Loud music, youtubing and dance dance n dance. Well I did have a lot of fun! And now it seems like it will be a repeat telecast! The members are the same...I cant believe it :) And we are about to play some games. I am feeling damn nostalgic, and I am sure it will be a night to remember...yet again !
Today was a repeat telecast. The same concept of my friends staying over night as my parents aren't home. The same people except for one who was replaced by a new member. Well this one wasnt really a friend but a friend of a friend. It started with disappointment due to miscommunication wherein two of them had made other plans. And then discomfort amidst the rest due to irritation. Then there was ordering of food stuff and drinks. Followed by a game of cards called flash. Everyone was enjoying, and it looked good. But I guess I am never gonna be a cards person. I felt a little left out, in my own house, what an irony!! But spoke to a dear one and felt better...really felt better :) Felt like I have someone my own :) that really helped...and then I came back to the scene.
Those two who had gone off returned, and then the party began! Loud music, youtubing and dance dance n dance. Well I did have a lot of fun! And now it seems like it will be a repeat telecast! The members are the same...I cant believe it :) And we are about to play some games. I am feeling damn nostalgic, and I am sure it will be a night to remember...yet again !
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Friends forever...
I spoke to a friend after a long time today..someone who at one point of time was very close to me, who was my best friend. but then times changed and we lost touch. now when i spoke to that person after a long time, i was the same, i tried being with that friend the same way I used to, because no one can replace another friend, n this was the most special of all. But then upon pressing on askin to tell me something, I was told that the past has been wiped off and now I am a stranger to that person...that we cant be best friends in one day, we dont know each other...
Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...
No I am not wrong...
Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...
my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...
lots of love, urs, bambi...
Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...
No I am not wrong...
Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...
my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...
lots of love, urs, bambi...
Friday, May 8, 2009
TGI Friday...
Aaah! Friday finally. Weekend's here! I have had a tiring week. Not slept much, and considering my ankle still hurts, I have been exerting it I guess. But I got some work done. Feels satisfactory. Just spoke to my cousins and relatives on video chat. It felt nice...Yesterday's blues have disappeared, thankfully :) I finished my work at 7 pm today! Now that really is something as usually Im stuck here everyday until at least midnight. I wanna really utilize this weekend well. Do things that I have pending, basically catch up on my to-do list. I feel random, like tweedledee and tweedledum. Haha I know it doesn't make sense. Yesterday I made a pattern on the white board along with a friend. Started making it just to get rid of my irritation, but in the process it turned out to be a beautiful one. And I called it 'tweedlelab'. Dont ask why ! Sometimes its just so cool to be senseless and just out of the blue. Its blissful. I know I am really blabbering now. But I'm loving it :) And oh ya, I just changed the look of my blog. Made it all pink and all...as can be seen already :| I think it looks slightly flashy, and my friend says I've made it all 'pinky'...hehe, but who cares! Its fun to be bold and silly at times :D I'll keep it this way for a while. I think my blog has started to reflect my moods...just like what I had expected it to be...a mirror :)
I love you Bloggie :)
I love you Bloggie :)
Monday, May 4, 2009
What exactly is a tag?
Once a friend said she had written a post on facebook and told me she had tagged me. The illiterate me looked for my name in it...again and again! I had even got a notification saying she had tagged me in that post, so where was it? Much later only did I learn that it means you are supposed to answer the questions your friend has answered in that post. Being tagged means basically being hand-cuffed and cornered, it means your friend has picked you as one amongst the chosen ones to go through this harrowing experience!!!
Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P
1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?
Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P
1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?
I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)
2) Does your family know about your blog?
Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!
3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?
Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)
4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?
Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.
5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?
I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.
6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
As of now, I know all of them.
7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?
Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)
8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?
I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.
9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?
I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.
10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?
I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.
11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?
I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????
12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?
I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.
13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?
Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...
I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(
One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...
1. Smell of wet earth
2. My mom's chicken curry
3. Mangoes!!
3 Smells I hate:
This one is easy :D
1. Smell of dirty toilets
2. Bad breath
3. Rotten food
3 Jobs that I have had in my life:
1. Research Assistant in a lab
2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress
3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society
3 Movies that I could watch over and over:
1. All the Harry Potter Movies
2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)
3. Saathiya
There are many more :)
1. My 24th birthday surprise
2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to
3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.
3 Jobs I would love to have:
1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.
2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners
3. A career counsellor in a university
3 Things I like to do:
1. Dance
2. Spend time with my loved ones
3. Blog
3 Of my favorite foods:
1. JUNK FOOD!!!
2. Paneer dishes
3. Lady's finger preparations
3 Places I would like to be right now:
1. Next to my grandparents
2. In my ex-college with my friends
3. A dance school
3 Things that make me cry:
1. A fight with a loved one
2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express
3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly
This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A very special computer...
Right now I am at my workplace. Have set up some work to do and am waiting for the incubation time. I actually feel like going back home, and sitting alone in front of my comp where I can pen down my thoughts in peace without any distraction. But since I can't do that now, I thought I'll use a make-shift computer, the one at my workplace. Ok let me clear out the space on my desk so I can make it look like my home-desk....just a min :)
........................................................................................
Amm...sorry that took like 10 minutes...and it still doesnt give me that feeling :( But nevermind, I'll try to get into a bubble and use this comp now...
So you guys (whoever does read this post) must be wondering what I am talking about. There was a friend of mine, SNK, a couple of years back. She still is a friend but we don't meet that often nowadays. Anyway, I met her at a time when she was in her 2nd year of PhD, and was just slowly getting accustomed to the many gadgets evolving in the markets around the world. Finally after much research and thought, she bought a mac, I think Powerbook. It was a beauty. And the way she maintained it was amazing. She used all the accessories possible, and customized her screen with various stick-ons. Her screensaver was a slideshow of her photographs, in the mac way, having 3D boxing in and out effects and what not, with an audio file of 'roobarooo' playing in the background. That was the first time I had seen a computer like that, which was just beautiful. For a non-materialistic person like me, calling a computer beautiful means something. The relationship SNK had with her comp was special, she literally made it her best friend, her child, her pet, her companion...
Now why am I writing a post about a 'special computer', that too my friend's computer, a friend who is not too close, and above everything else, something that happened 2 years ago and may not even be the same anymore? The reason for this is that I didn't know at that time, that a name I heard so randomly would become such an integral part of my life 2 years later. A name that I had known while transferring something via bluetooth, the name my friend gave to her computer. To a non-malayali, this sounded like the name of a baby elephant then :| . Maybe cuz as a kid I had seen a movie with an elephant with a similar name. But that was it, it was just a fleeting thought and I forgot about it. Or so I thought...
Two years later, that is now, a few months back...I met this person, who shared things with me on numerous occasions. It started out with formality, then practical help, then a little bit of fun, and then finally reached the level of a mashed potato containing bits of fun, frolic, great times, useless moments and a huge coating of emotional support. Amidst all this, at a time without realizing it, I named this friend after that beautiful comp. Why I named her that, I wasn't quite sure at that time, probably just because I was trying hard to find a 'funny' nick for her. But now when I think about it I realise that I associate her with all the relationships SNK had associated her comp with...companion, kid, pet, and even though it might be too early to say this, one of my best friends :) A name that was so randomly heard and buried at the corner of my memory came out at the apt time, suited for the right person...
Seven years back, there was a time when I was in the lowest of lows, with no one to confide my sorrows in, no one whom i could call a true friend. That time someone had come into my life like an angel, and lifted me up like a feather, showing me the brighter parts of the world, the more colourful aspects of life, and brought out my true personality. Lots of things happened since then, and the past 2 years somehow became a near-repeat telecast of what happened before I met this angel, where in I can say I pretty much lost myself in the midst of all the events happening. I missed this angel of mine a lot, someone who isn't there in my life anymore. Never had I thought that God would send me another one...another person who would be able to see me for what I am, appreciate me for my nature, and love me because of my emotional nature...something that I had started to think was my biggest drawback. She was with me when I needed someone ...when I was alone, when I was bored, when I just needed to be quiet, or when I needed fun, she was always there. I had thought that I have lost the capability to express myself. She pulled me out of that shell and made me feel that she genuinely cares about me, my feelings, my thoughts and my emotions. Without me having to ask for anything, she would just write smses, emails or anything to make my day, make me feel that I am special just the way I am. I used to think that only a partner can make someone feel this way...but she made me realize that it just takes a person with equal understanding of emotions and feelings to make another person feel so secure and loved and cared for and confident, no matter what the relationship is. She made me realize how my friends would have felt when I did something for them. I had thought that I will never be able to get the same importance from my friends as I give them, but I was mistaken. I had my best birthday ever this year...and even though I can't thank everyone who were a part of it enough, I knew that my expectations were more than matched for the very first time...because of her.
Today, when I think of leaving this place with a heavy heart, I can say with utmost confidence, that the strength required to do this without sinking into depression has been given to me by her, who I know would be with me in this transition, and remind me of who I am, what I love, what I am capable of, and what I mean to this world. Whatever I write in this post cannot truly describe the gratitude I have in my heart to God for giving me an angel again...to guide me out of my blue phase. I guess I can just say that I bumped into a bumper offer when God decided to display a computer sale... :) :) :)
........................................................................................
Amm...sorry that took like 10 minutes...and it still doesnt give me that feeling :( But nevermind, I'll try to get into a bubble and use this comp now...
So you guys (whoever does read this post) must be wondering what I am talking about. There was a friend of mine, SNK, a couple of years back. She still is a friend but we don't meet that often nowadays. Anyway, I met her at a time when she was in her 2nd year of PhD, and was just slowly getting accustomed to the many gadgets evolving in the markets around the world. Finally after much research and thought, she bought a mac, I think Powerbook. It was a beauty. And the way she maintained it was amazing. She used all the accessories possible, and customized her screen with various stick-ons. Her screensaver was a slideshow of her photographs, in the mac way, having 3D boxing in and out effects and what not, with an audio file of 'roobarooo' playing in the background. That was the first time I had seen a computer like that, which was just beautiful. For a non-materialistic person like me, calling a computer beautiful means something. The relationship SNK had with her comp was special, she literally made it her best friend, her child, her pet, her companion...
Now why am I writing a post about a 'special computer', that too my friend's computer, a friend who is not too close, and above everything else, something that happened 2 years ago and may not even be the same anymore? The reason for this is that I didn't know at that time, that a name I heard so randomly would become such an integral part of my life 2 years later. A name that I had known while transferring something via bluetooth, the name my friend gave to her computer. To a non-malayali, this sounded like the name of a baby elephant then :| . Maybe cuz as a kid I had seen a movie with an elephant with a similar name. But that was it, it was just a fleeting thought and I forgot about it. Or so I thought...
Two years later, that is now, a few months back...I met this person, who shared things with me on numerous occasions. It started out with formality, then practical help, then a little bit of fun, and then finally reached the level of a mashed potato containing bits of fun, frolic, great times, useless moments and a huge coating of emotional support. Amidst all this, at a time without realizing it, I named this friend after that beautiful comp. Why I named her that, I wasn't quite sure at that time, probably just because I was trying hard to find a 'funny' nick for her. But now when I think about it I realise that I associate her with all the relationships SNK had associated her comp with...companion, kid, pet, and even though it might be too early to say this, one of my best friends :) A name that was so randomly heard and buried at the corner of my memory came out at the apt time, suited for the right person...
Seven years back, there was a time when I was in the lowest of lows, with no one to confide my sorrows in, no one whom i could call a true friend. That time someone had come into my life like an angel, and lifted me up like a feather, showing me the brighter parts of the world, the more colourful aspects of life, and brought out my true personality. Lots of things happened since then, and the past 2 years somehow became a near-repeat telecast of what happened before I met this angel, where in I can say I pretty much lost myself in the midst of all the events happening. I missed this angel of mine a lot, someone who isn't there in my life anymore. Never had I thought that God would send me another one...another person who would be able to see me for what I am, appreciate me for my nature, and love me because of my emotional nature...something that I had started to think was my biggest drawback. She was with me when I needed someone ...when I was alone, when I was bored, when I just needed to be quiet, or when I needed fun, she was always there. I had thought that I have lost the capability to express myself. She pulled me out of that shell and made me feel that she genuinely cares about me, my feelings, my thoughts and my emotions. Without me having to ask for anything, she would just write smses, emails or anything to make my day, make me feel that I am special just the way I am. I used to think that only a partner can make someone feel this way...but she made me realize that it just takes a person with equal understanding of emotions and feelings to make another person feel so secure and loved and cared for and confident, no matter what the relationship is. She made me realize how my friends would have felt when I did something for them. I had thought that I will never be able to get the same importance from my friends as I give them, but I was mistaken. I had my best birthday ever this year...and even though I can't thank everyone who were a part of it enough, I knew that my expectations were more than matched for the very first time...because of her.
Today, when I think of leaving this place with a heavy heart, I can say with utmost confidence, that the strength required to do this without sinking into depression has been given to me by her, who I know would be with me in this transition, and remind me of who I am, what I love, what I am capable of, and what I mean to this world. Whatever I write in this post cannot truly describe the gratitude I have in my heart to God for giving me an angel again...to guide me out of my blue phase. I guess I can just say that I bumped into a bumper offer when God decided to display a computer sale... :) :) :)
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Harry Potter Freaks!
Can't believe I actually found some people who are as obsessed with the Harry Potter world if not more (actually I think it IS more!). Well I don't really claim to be like the biggest fan of the series or something, but I do have my own version of the HP mania :)
So ya here I mention again my accident, without going into the details. Apart from giving me a recall into the blogging world, it also did me some more great favours. Two of my new-found friends, who do not have to go to any class or any work-place at the moment because of exams, have been keeping me company throughout this otherwise-would-have-been-such-a-lonely-and-frustrating week. Yes its been a week that I fell. And I wasn't left alone to the mercy of my foot for a single day :) Apart from cracking jokes, watching funny youtube videos, being beside me quietly when I went into my shell, bringing me food, these guys made my time a hundred times more enjoyable by showing more enthusiasm than me at the prospect of the Harry-Potter movie watching marathon! I have the whole series with me, well the first five as the other two aren't out yet. And seeing that in my collection, one of them suggested having a marathon movie session! I can't even express how thrilled and surprised I was at the same time. I mean I have seen these movies again and again and thought it was just me and my little sister who understood and enjoyed the concept of watching an already seen movie over and over again, comment on the scenes, rewind the scenes a hundred times to watch a favourite dialogue or action etc. I mean I used to get to hear the usual 'these are for kids' dialogues every now n then from people...But these guys even surpassed that! Not only did we watch the movies, we showed off how much we knew the dialogues, criticized them about not being accurately matched with the book (well that can never happen, books are always better) and swooned over the characters! :D It was then that I realized that if I am an HP maniac, these guys are HP freaks!!! They remember each and every detail of the book even! And I was thinking I am crazy...
Staying up till 5 am and kicking each other for even looking slightly sleepy, we finally finished the five movies last night, or technically today morning! After some six hours of sleep, dreaming of Harry Potter coming to our place and befriending us (ok that was only my dream, not the others'), I finally woke up at 11:30 am. After freshening up, when I sit down to write this post, and the two of them wake up, I just ask one of them to show me the trailers for the 6th movie realeasing this July (as they had mentioned to me last night that some new trailers were out), I couldn't believe she was actually downloading the trailers already for me!!! The other one comes out of the bathroom and starts a 'fully-harry-pottered' conversation! I mean I was not the only one thinking of it throughout the night, in my dreams and the first thing in the morning as well...
Its just an amazing feeling when you connect with people based on common passions/obsessions/mania/interests, whatever you call it. And now if I think back, its not just the HP series, but the HSM series (for which we had an earlier marathon), Thai Express, 17-again, long emails, chain smses, quest for English-correction, British accent, 'cheese' and so much more that I have shared with these guys without having to think if they are getting bored or rather keeping mum about how much I enjoy these things.
To say everything in one sentence, I'd say that my college days were the best days of my life, and spending this one week (and much more earlier at the dog-abode) reminds me of my college days like nothing else does...MG and Clueless, you guys rock!!! Seriously, without you guys, I don't know how I would have spent these days alone at home. Thanks for coming into my life :)
So ya here I mention again my accident, without going into the details. Apart from giving me a recall into the blogging world, it also did me some more great favours. Two of my new-found friends, who do not have to go to any class or any work-place at the moment because of exams, have been keeping me company throughout this otherwise-would-have-been-such-a-lonely-and-frustrating week. Yes its been a week that I fell. And I wasn't left alone to the mercy of my foot for a single day :) Apart from cracking jokes, watching funny youtube videos, being beside me quietly when I went into my shell, bringing me food, these guys made my time a hundred times more enjoyable by showing more enthusiasm than me at the prospect of the Harry-Potter movie watching marathon! I have the whole series with me, well the first five as the other two aren't out yet. And seeing that in my collection, one of them suggested having a marathon movie session! I can't even express how thrilled and surprised I was at the same time. I mean I have seen these movies again and again and thought it was just me and my little sister who understood and enjoyed the concept of watching an already seen movie over and over again, comment on the scenes, rewind the scenes a hundred times to watch a favourite dialogue or action etc. I mean I used to get to hear the usual 'these are for kids' dialogues every now n then from people...But these guys even surpassed that! Not only did we watch the movies, we showed off how much we knew the dialogues, criticized them about not being accurately matched with the book (well that can never happen, books are always better) and swooned over the characters! :D It was then that I realized that if I am an HP maniac, these guys are HP freaks!!! They remember each and every detail of the book even! And I was thinking I am crazy...
Staying up till 5 am and kicking each other for even looking slightly sleepy, we finally finished the five movies last night, or technically today morning! After some six hours of sleep, dreaming of Harry Potter coming to our place and befriending us (ok that was only my dream, not the others'), I finally woke up at 11:30 am. After freshening up, when I sit down to write this post, and the two of them wake up, I just ask one of them to show me the trailers for the 6th movie realeasing this July (as they had mentioned to me last night that some new trailers were out), I couldn't believe she was actually downloading the trailers already for me!!! The other one comes out of the bathroom and starts a 'fully-harry-pottered' conversation! I mean I was not the only one thinking of it throughout the night, in my dreams and the first thing in the morning as well...
Its just an amazing feeling when you connect with people based on common passions/obsessions/mania/interests, whatever you call it. And now if I think back, its not just the HP series, but the HSM series (for which we had an earlier marathon), Thai Express, 17-again, long emails, chain smses, quest for English-correction, British accent, 'cheese' and so much more that I have shared with these guys without having to think if they are getting bored or rather keeping mum about how much I enjoy these things.
To say everything in one sentence, I'd say that my college days were the best days of my life, and spending this one week (and much more earlier at the dog-abode) reminds me of my college days like nothing else does...MG and Clueless, you guys rock!!! Seriously, without you guys, I don't know how I would have spent these days alone at home. Thanks for coming into my life :)
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