Have I really grown up?

As I sit here in a new environment, learning new techniques, talking to new people, feeling quite by myself, a cloud of thought submerges me into the ground. I am restless from within, but this feeling isn't new. It is, on the contrary, far too familiar. And hence frustrating. I have faced this feeling too many times, and had thought I had grown out of it, learnt from my lessons. For a long time this cloud didn't visit me, and I thought I have finally outgrown it, finally shielded myself from the world's insensitivity. But the sad part is, I know deep within that the world isn't so bad. Its always me, the sensitive one. The one who cares too much about other people, and then gets hurt. The reason I get hurt is because I always end up expecting an acknowledgement of what I did for you. And that's because I always do that, make it a point to reciprocate and prioritize that. Is there no one else like that in the world? There are people who seem to be like that for a while and suddenly change, leaving you surprised. Ive tried to be attached and not expect in return, but failed each time. I thought I had learnt it the hard way though, thought I had managed to curb my natural instinct of getting attached, getting excited and expecting the others to feel the same. And for a while I know I had nailed it - I had not experienced this restless frustrated feeling for a long time in the not so distant past. At times I missed being me though, I missed being the fierce friend that used to be, missed being the person who would do anything for my friend. Because that is what gave me real happiness. It came with a price each time however, and so I slowly adopted the defensive front. And it was hard. But it was perhaps better than getting hurt? I wasn't sure, until again, recently, I was reminded that it definitely is better than getting hurt. Again I had let my guard down, got excited, felt passionate, went out of the way for some people and started giving without thinking. This time, I decided I am not going to think twice, I am just going to do what I feel like, show my love and not be inhibited by worldly masks like formality. But, this feeling was too good to last. Within a week it all came crashing down. I felt unwanted, felt used and felt unreciprocated. And to hell with being logical and sensible and blah and blah. I felt all these things in flesh and blood, so there has to be a reason for it, isn't there? People come find you when they need you, when they have nothing else to do, and you let your guard down and go all out for them. But again and again, every time, when its their turn to reciprocate, to build the relation, their priorities go elsewhere. Everyone goes their own way, does their own thing, but Im the one always trying to include others, make them feel involved, make them feel at home in a home away from home. But the whole point is, this is not something new, its far too established. I have been taught this lesson a million times, feeling equally hurt each time. Then why the hell do I let it happen again? Why do I give some people so much importance? Why do I end up feeling an affection for someone and act upon it? Why am I this way? Can I NEVER learn? Do people never grow out of these things? Have I really even the slightest bit and will I ever really, in this sense, grow up?

Me time...

I am sitting here in the corner-most table of this building, all alone with my laptop, phone and a box of chhole! As I sat eating the chhole, I realized its been so long that I just sat doing nothing while eating. In fact its been ages I sat all by myself and reflected on everything thats happened in the past one year. As I did, I immediately remembered my blog, my space, which I had neglected all this while. I logged in, and the first thing I see was a new post from a dear old friend, also after ages. She was the one who had introduced me to blogging, so her blog is sort of like the benchmark for me. Seeing her make a come back at around the same time as me sort of felt like a signal, a sign. Reading her posts again made me feel assured that even if we haven't been in touch of late, a bond exists :) As I sit here writing, I tell myself, I should be working on my presentation due on Monday. But naah, that can wait. This is Me time, after soooooo long, and I wanna make the most out of it! Let's see, what all happened after I nearly died last year - 1. I found the truest form of love possible in my best friend 2. I recovered from my illness and made it to Diwali night, even as just a contributor (Next year Im participating. Wait up, Diwali night stage!!) 3. Our parents met and spoke, and we fixed our wedding dates :):) 4. We formed a music group on campus, something that's been taking off quite well 5. I got some data in lab enough to get me start thinking of a publication 6. We started a dance group (my dream!!!!!). Although right now the dynamics aren't quite what I had envisioned them to be, but I guess thats usually how anything new starts. 7. And, oh, and, with a sudden turn of events, Im getting engaged, suddenly, in 3 weeks time, at no other place but home with my family and closest of friends!!! Wow! Life....happens! I guess the biggest thing that I have realized during all this is that I don't want to live in this country. As I see my friends change to the tune of this place, it saddens me, it makes me feel out of place. No one's wrong here, but its a strong indication that my roots lie in my country. I cannot let go of a lot of things to blend in this place. And Im not sad about it. A friend rightly pointed out recently - 'at home if you meet someone who's mean to you, you establish he/she is mean. but here, you also wonder if they are racist'. I remember my father's reply to when I had asked him why he returned to his country, 28 years ago, with me as a new born. He had said ' I didn't want to live like a second class citizen'. I used to have life in me, I used to be a crazy person on the streets, my friends used to say that one day of my absence would make the classroom seem dull. I've realized, I haven't grown out of it, I've grown away from it. My heart and soul still reside very much in my country. I don't appreciate racist jokes, especially made by our own people, I don't appreciate people having to change the way they speak to fit in here. And most of all, I don't appreciate the small talk that is quite the norm here for any get-together. I'm done smiling about the weather, or having a debatable discussion on how awesome someone's new bike is, or hearing gossips about people claiming to be friends. What's the definition of friendship here? Frankness is not appreciated, and more than that, being considerate or forgiving is taken as a weakness. Anyway, I know Im sore, I know its not the country, or the people. But its definitely not me in here. There is something, about the norm, that hits me, each time. And even though I have changed in the past 4 years, this aspect of me hasn't. In fact its just grown stronger. Refer back to my 2009 post, Identity crisis, and its all the same. I miss having meaningful conversations with people. After a long time, I felt like I got some Me time, but why is that? Its because, without realizing, I am having to be someone I am not, literally everywhere - at work, with friends. Yes I have nothing to complain about when I have found my soulmate. But, one needs a life around them where they are happy. One needs people who lift you up. And not those who are always trying to compete or are just plain fake. Yes, its not the place, its me. I want to go back to where I belong, walk the streets without feeling an alien, know that I don't have to pretend to like rock climbing or marathons to be able to make conversation, have people raise an eye when I tell them I sing and dance, be my hospitable self and invite everyone home without thinking I need to preserve myself and act individualistic. But I don't know when that will happen. In fact, the bigger question is, if and when I go back, will I be able to deal with the reverse cultural shock? As for now, as I eat my chocolate ice cream, Im content with the little Me time I got today :)

Today...

People say, everything is for the best. Even I say that, in fact its the title of my blog. But...today, I don't agree. Today I feel like remembering the days I felt lost in lab, and not be grateful for the supervisor I have. Today I feel regret for having been in a relationship, and not feel like I have grown from it. Today I feel angry for being the one whose projects are not working instead of telling myself that I have earned expertise from repetitive trials of my work. Today I feel frustrated for being the one chosen to experience a life threatening experience and become immobile for a long time, rather than feeling blessed and grateful for life. It really is true, life is a gift, and every minute is one step closer to death. Its fragile, and one should be positive and take everything in their stride. Every time I feel down, I tell myself, the very next instant, to think of all the things that belong to the 'instead' category in all my sentences in the above paragraph. But, today, I just feel like looking at the glass as half empty...

Why?

Whats the fault? Why can't happiness, genuine unselfish happiness for someone else cease to backfire? This time, what did I do? Why did you have snatch that feeling away from me again? It can't be that difficult...and there is really nothing much that I ask for. I am doing the right thing, taking the right decisions...then why do you keep testing my patience again and again? I also think Ive been passing each test. How much longer will you keep testing me? Do I not deserve a break? You seem to give me a teaser and then make it the same again. Seriously, I tried to look at everything positively...why can't you assure me that I have taken the right decision? And if it is not the right one, then show me the path. I know I need the assurance at a stretch continuously for it to sink in, and I also know its not too much to ask for...

Just please...want to settle down...from within...

History repeating itself?

No I am very sure I don't want that. But every force keeps showing me that it is about to. The same thing that happened 4 years ago. Right now I am undergoing a major change in the way I feel about certain things. Its very scary. I had made a compromise, and thought that life would be tough - full of challenges all the time, and sort of accepted that as my destiny. But life is showing me different colors now. And I don't know what to do about it. Change my mind? Completely change the mindset I had built for myself in the past 4 years? I clearly don't want to do that. It would be too much for me to handle. And yes, I am trying here to think of just myself - not anyone else. Cuz that's what Ive always done, given others more importance. But for once, I just want to breathe without worrying, and let things happen. But is it wise to do that? Sometimes its dangerous to completely let go. I really want to do that, as its been a while I did this, bask in the feeling of bliss. Im not saying I haven't been happy in the recent times, but I haven't felt this bliss.

At the same time there is this heart-tearing worry...whats going to happen? Why is the future sooooo uncertain? For God's sake I want some assurance of certainty. I know life is always uncertain and you never know whats in store for you and all that. But really if you ask me, I think Ive had my fair share of uncertainty and Ive had enough of it. I need a break from this uncertainty. Just want to feel happy, live life as it comes. Its an amaaaaaazinggggg feeling to feel beautiful from inside. To feel just content, and to just feel like smiling all the time. Yes I know its upto ourselves to make ourselves happy. And I really honestly have tried a lot in the past few years to do that. Sometimes succeeded, sometimes not. But it was always an effort. The other kind of happiness is something you don't need to make an effort for. Its as easy as breathing. And right now I feel like I really deserve some of that. But the problem is, even if I try to let myself soak in this feeling, there is the worry of the uncertainty in my head. Why can't the cause of the uncertainty change to just make me feel effortlessly happy? Why does this ALWAYS happen? I tried sooooooo hard to not be selfish, to accpet everything, to adjust to everything, to seek happiness in everything. But I feel defeated right now. I feel like for a change I want to sit back and stop making an effort. Let the happiness come to me on its own, and flow with whatever comes my way...cuz I think somewhere inside, I know I deserve it.

But we aren't allowed to do that in life I guess. Cuz then there are consequences which have to be faced. Prevention better than cure and all of that! I just want to be led to the right path, just want to know my answers, Im tired of this. And no, I do not want history to repeat. I don't want these 4 years to go waste...I want it to work. But Im tired of trying...really...tired of this conflict.

Arrrghhhhh I don't think decisions in life should be this difficult. And I know there is nothing wrong with me. Something is the matter and it better be sorted out soon...

Today is better than Yesterday...but, really?

This post is very dear to me...made me realise the difference between writing for yourself and writing for others...


Wouldn't it be absolutely wonderful to travel time? Well, in some sense we do, right? A Déjà vu, a coincidental familiarity, a fragrance, a behavior, a face, a body language, a color, an attire, an attitude, a tune, a photograph, some words, and most often, the work of an idle mind's perhaps devilish workshop. Just a trigger and our mind in all its capabilities has raced back in History, reminiscing 'the erstwhile'...

A close friend would often very rightly say, "The past always seems beautiful" during moments of bitter complaining about the current situation. Ever wondered why? Come to think of it, everyone equipped with logic would agree that the bygones seem rosy only in the context of a comparison. However in spite of this knowledge, we still like to take a leap in time and sit on a comfortable couch, viewing the events of the past on a huge LCD monitor of our minds, even if it makes us cry! Is it even worth it? Knowing that we will perhaps yearn for this present moment in the future, we still don't live in the present. All preachings and philosophies point towards the same direction - that of living in the moment, living every day as it comes, living for the present and not the past or the future. But then again, since when did the mind follow the simpler path? It has to be convoluted, something like the strong tendency of this universe to achieve the highest degree of entropy. Geeky, yes, but true! So why not forget about correcting or protecting ourselves from the complications of the mind for a while and marvel the natural penchant of this beautiful and unfathomable part of us?

I guess a considerable part of the person I am is defined by how much I live in yesterday. So much so that one moment I'm arguing with my mom on how much luggage she is carrying, and within a second crying over how I would miss every moment with her tomorrow. I mean that's not even nostalgia, that's preparing for nostalgia! Even though most often it makes me yearn for those moments and dream away rather than doing something productive, I still treasure the 'vintage goodness' associated with the feeling. For a modest contribution by what words can describe, I present to you a memoir of my favorite station in a journey to the past - that of the merlion city, the 'fine' city, Singa land, or how locals call it, Singapura!

Four years, or perhaps a lifetime. Seems like I didn't have enough of my first home away from home. Be it the extreme humid conditions or the bliss in riding MRT trains, any mention of this country brings a smile on my face and a dream in my eyes - a dream to go back there, to walk those streets of NUS again where I spent four years growing up. And literally growing up - from a 20 year old fresh out of the comforts of home, to a much hardened and seasoned person. Oh how I miss taking the twisted route every afternoon from Chemical Biology through the overhead bridge to Chemistry and then taking the elevator, crossing the NMR facility, and walking in the sun to reach Spinelli, its Cookie Spin waiting for me to be bought and relished...the evening snacking on spring rolls and veg paus along with Avocado milkshakes or Vegetarian Pesto in Megabites...the late nights in Kim lab and strolling on the extremely narrow and suicidal(!) balconies of the sixth floor labs in DBS, the 24-hour Cheese Prata and Dadi's shops feeding us hungry grad students middle of the night...the huge cup of Iced Milo and Bee Hoon along with Kaya bread in Jumbo cafe, near Block 21 Dover Crescent, a very important place in my life...bus no. 188 going to Harbor Front, where I would get off, cross the road and get into vivo city, the then biggest mall in Singapore, bus no. 33 taking me to China town, where I would get off at Pagoda Street and buy souvenirs for home...the road from Changi airport to home, where every tree would have its branches bent in the exact same angle along with every other artificial arrangement in the country (something I would bicker about all the time)...the bike path along the canal at the end of Clementi Avenue 4 where I had spent hours biking back and forth...the feeling of home on entering Kent Vale apartments, where I spent two years staying with my family...the walk from lab to Dover Road...the paranthas and gobi dinners at Dover aunty's shop...hours at Prof. Kim's place with Momo and Appukuttan...Starhub outlets...Ashish's laptop and blasting music...Roopsha's smiling face...Priya's home-cooked food...Anand's characteristic walk...the Karthik-Aysh-Gauri-Prasanna-Sheela group...the Graduate Congress dance practises...Lecture Theatre 20...the festive Bazaars in the canteens...Unmesh and our cups of chai...Suni-Suja...NUS Co-op...NUH canteen on days when Science canteen was closed...hair rebonding at Clementi...the bench outside Kim lab...50 cents coffee or coke...West Coast Park...Rangoli restaurant spelt as RangOOli...Shubhendro Chatterjee...Jade theatre for Hindi movies...Ray...a ray of hope...

<...trailing off...>

...a ray of hope...of reliving those moments, of going back there, and expecting EVERYTHING to be the same..and suddenly Mr. Reality knocks on your forehead waking you up from this bliss shouting, the only thing that is constant is change, don't forget that! All this is over...it can NEVER come back...even if I go back (which I am very soon by the way, so Singa-lings, prepare to party!!), the only thing that would be the same would be my mind and its memories. The people, the places, the activities...would have all moved on, even the buildings would bold out the words 'GUEST' as I enter them. I wouldn't belong there anymore, I would just be a visitor, making a visit - to the past. But...here is the catch - if we were really visiting the past, we would be traveling time, and that, to date, has not been achieved as possible. So are these experiences lost forever? Each and every minute of our life that goes by, do we lose them once and for all?

The answer, as you all would have intuitively guessed, is - nostalgia, a permanent possession, something no one can snatch away, and something no one can describe...just like the utmost jumbled-up likes of a paragraph I wrote in an attempt to present a memoir from my book of nostalgias. I'm sorry that the words above made no sense, they perhaps would seem unconnected even to the ones familiar with the terms, but that's my point. With all due respect to the heroes married to writing, and utmost acknowledgement towards the patient and considerate readers, I would say that the intricate beauty of the journey our minds take us through can NEVER be made justice to by the grandest of words or phrases, no matter how avid a writer one is. Not claiming to be anywhere close to an amateur in this field, I sign off, leaving you wonderful readers with a question for yourselves...Yes, sometimes living in the past is painful, but is it worth pushing away every reminiscence of your experiences in an attempt to live in the present and be happy? In the process, you may lose not only a possible new interpretation of your past that will help you grow, but also the only fossil of an experience that can never repeat itself in your life. Sometimes, dwelling in yesterday with its complete package of the good and the bad might have a secret role to play in shaping your present and future. Think about it :)

Around her world in 3267 days...

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, there was this girl, nearing the last couple of years of her teenage, having a somewhat painful past, not knowing what the future had in store for her. That's stating the obvious of course, but just to emphasize here...she didn't know what the future held for her. Let me describe this girl - an art lover, a fierce friend, a passionate person, with an extremely soft heart. She could easily be taken for a ride, cuz she believed people for what they said. People admired her and expressed their admiration for her. That had helped her know that she could spread happiness. The first year of this last decade for this girl, was a time when she was 16 and some incidents in her life had pulled her morale down completely. She was down in the dumps and had not even a single friend to talk to. Somehow all the friends she had were busy with their own complicated lives...such is teenage!! She knew she had to come out of the mess she was in, but she couldn't and struggled to come out of it for more than a year...

Come end of year 17, and she met her guardian angel! She couldn't tell right away, but over a few months she came out of the mess she was in, and she knew how that had happened. She knew she had found her savior, her reflection, her best friend, and she called him D. But, she was skeptical, and she wanted to give it as much as time as she could to let the faith spread through each and every cell in her heart...and so she did. Her faith grew as strong as it had never been, and she decided she had found her soulmate - mid of year 18, she thought that there was nothing better than finding a soulmate in your best friend, and felt like the luckiest person in this world. She decided to give this connection a new name, and it was bliss...starting from her faith in god to her confidence in herself, everything was at the highest. She felt beautiful from inside, was vibrant as a person and spread colours wherever she went. This guardian angel, her best friend, n her 'soulmate', was a person who was always overseas. Her whole bonding with this person was a special connection, fondly remembered as the 'dil ka connection'. Cheesy I know, but cheese has always been a part of this girl. And for the first time she could share that aspect with another. She felt like everything was as perfect as it could be.

However, whenever she would meet this person, she would feel a little different, she would feel that the person she had in her mind and the one in front of her were different in many ways. Little did she understand back then the complicated nature of LDRs, esp the ones that have always been LDRs. She was in her dreamworld and was loving it. Things were so perfect that she actually noted down the date when she had the first ever fight with this person, wherein she was rudely spoken to, and this was exactly 2 years, 7 months and 19 days after the first communication. The reason for this fight was the arrival of a bunch of new people in D's life, bunch of 'cool happening' people. But anyway that fight wasn't too long and things got back to 'normal'...or maybe preternatural?!...but how would an 18 year old realise that?

Things kept at a regular pace for the next two years - still as a LDR. This was year 21 for her. A few ups and downs had happened and she had begun to realise that life isn't as rosy as she had thought it would be, still having no idea what the next few years had to show. There was a change in location for D - new place, new course, new people. And before the change, D had come to meet this girl and spent the longest and the best time with her ever - a week of fun, love, and no LDR!! This was the best time of her life so far...little did she know it was about to change very soon...

D went to the new location and things took a turn. More new people and more 'interesting' people - D didnt have as much time and importance for her anymore. Everyday for almost a year she would keep calling him, and he would ignore, or say "I'm outside, I'll call you back later...Im with friends, I'll call you back later". Never did D make her talk to the friends or tell her where the outside meant. Each day was spent crying at night over the phone talking to her friends back in her country, crying out to them saying "what happened to my perfect life? what happened to my guardian angel and soulmate?" And then she told her mother everything...told her how her faith started to shake and how she felt terrible - her mom (one of the best moms in the world) understood her, and allowed her to make a trip overseas to meet D and to gain back her faith. She was excited and thrilled and was positive this was going to be another 'best time without the LDR', like it had been a year ago. But as she went there, she saw a different person - someone who was trying to be someone else to please people around, who was made fun of by the people but still would try to hang around them, someone who would call them friends, go out of the way for them, but still not make this girl feel a part of the world there. She felt absurd. Amidst the friends was one specific girl she felt most uncomfortable around, cuz although D wasn't doing this deliberately, he kept trying to please her, crack jokes around her, keep looking at the back of the car to talk to her even though he had someone from overseas sitting next to him in the car...and many such things. D has no idea till date that all of that led her to develop a complex against that girl, questioning whether it was because she was prettier? thinner? wore better clothers? was more fun? and what not!!! A person who never had an ego...who had never felt jealousy, started feeling all of it at one go, and for a whole year this went on in her mind - she would go on looking at her facebook pictures and try to compare herself with those pictures and feel like she wasn't good enough...

The trip was over, and a saturation had been reached. The relationship wasn't the same, D wasn't the same. A person who would try to be someone else - that wasn't D. D was the epitome of a perfect person, his innocence and his pure heartedness was what defined him for her right? She came back, and realised something had changed within her. She tried to talk to D about this, saying please don't try to be someone you are not to please others, but somethings never happen at the right time. One thing led to another, and a bad fight led to a snap. She realised she needed time and told D she 'wanted a 'break' from him, but couldn't believe it herself, break up with your 'soulmate', hows that possible?? And then in order to mend things, she made a trip again, this time to her home country to meet D. And she met him, for 2 days, but realised that feeling had died...that immature feeling of bliss and perfection and awesomeness had died. And she couldn't do anything about it...the 'break' looked like a permanent one. It was D's turn to realise now...and try to mend things - and D tried, like anything to get back what they had. D went bacj and told her that she was right about the people back then and that he made mistakes. And tried to undo things. But something had changed in her...as much as she wanted things to be the same again, the faith had left her...

Sometime after, for the first time in her life, she felt like she 'fell' for someone...and the first thing she did was, go and tell D about it because she was confused, and who to tell other than the closest being to her? That was the beginning of the next phase in her life - the worst phase so far...

D blamed her for breaking up because of this new person, and mocked her at the same time if she said D was still the closest to her heart. One thing led to another and things became so ugly its not even worth mentioning. Meanwhile she didn't find solace in another person or anything - that part was equally uncertain and rocky and again she plummeted right to the bottom of her self esteem. The whole world blaming her as D had monopolized even her friends and there was not a single person to support her. No one understood her. D kept trying to get back for one year, and that one year was horrible for both of them. Just that what D went through was known by his friends and he had shoulders all around - but she did not. She was the bad guy, and worst thing was, she let herself feel the guilt. That was till year 23 for her...

After that, life had a lot in store...for both of them, but neither talked to the other much. Lot of changes occured in both and they got more and more distant from each other. Months passed without even talking or hearing from each other. But she realised a few things - that it was immaturity of that age which led her to believe in a perfect world, to believe in a LDR that stemmed from a LDR, and to let her faith shake due to the fact that D had strayed for a year. She realised that D was just another normal person, not a guardian angel or a soulmate - and all that was just her own imagination in her mind - cuz she loved the way she looked at things in her dreams. She realized that had she not idealized him in her mind, she wouldn't have collapsed due to one mistake on his part. But the one thing she held on to, which never changed was the fact that D remained to be her best friend...in her mind. She never let him know how much she missed him, but always told people about him as her best friend ever...she considered herself guilty of what he went through and completely overlooked how she had felt for that one year when he had changed paths or how he had blamed her for one year after breaking up. She knew deep inside she never did something wrong, but still let herself feel the guilt because she was terribly upset about what he had to go through for this. She never let him know this, but she held him on a pedestal in her mind. He was a one time find, and there could be no one who could get as close to her in her mind.

There have been lots of things happening in her life, positive things and minor downfalls, a very important person and amazing new friends, but this was a constant at the back of her mind. D and D's importance in her life was something that would remain, even if they wouldn't talk - and to her it was for life. It was the most intense phase of her life so far and it spanned almost a decade, the prime time of growing up. And what was the best thing - she knew D felt the same...as much as he blamed her for breaking up, she knew he felt as close to her and that no one else could take that place - the place of a best friend.


She was wrong. She still has to grow up and realize things...
D recently told her very 'by the way' that hes been with someone for the past 6 months and is about to marry her - the first shock that he didn't tell her for this long. Didn't she tell him about the new feeling in her the very day she felt it even when she wasn't sure?
The girl he's with is the same girl mentioned before - the second shock that even then he didn't tell her.

And D didn't find it important to tell her everything big about his life the way she did still. She was upset and hurt and decided its time to really move on and to let go of the fact that he's the closest to her - to wish him the best in his new life and to let him know that she was hurt he didn't tell her about such a big thing. Esp since there was a history. But in spite of the complex she had against this girl, she pushed it aside and emailed her to wish her the best in life together with D. And didn't get a reply...

To her, D was still D. And so she told him how she felt and told him that she really is happy for him but hurt too as she feels a little backstabbed. And all D could say was "I have a lot to say but I wont". All he could do was defend his girlfriend for she hadn't replied to the email, and all he could say to her was "Did you think you would always be the most important girl in my life? I am the same person, the only difference is that I don't love you anymore, I love someone else"...

Sometimes, friendships are greater than love and relationships and marriage...and she thought she shared this feeling with D forever. But now, at the nearing of 26, the closing of almost a decade, she realised she had been holding on to another thought that was unreal - to D she is an 'ex-girlfriend' only...

A new era, a few new lessons learnt, which were totally opposite to the opinions I had earlier -

1. No single person is in the same state of mind as you and can never be

2. Never let anyone guilt-trip you because you feel compassion for the person. If you are hurt there is a high chance the other person is wrong. Don't doubt yourself immediately.

3. Always give priority to what you think is right

4. Don't go out of the way to mend things that spoiled for no fault of yours

5. 'D' and the importance of 'D' was close to a person styled in someone's mind...it does not exist

6. No one loves you more than himself/herself

7. Life is black or white, single or committed.

8. There is nothing like 'dil ka connection'. Its BULLSHIT

9. The last few years were a 'WASTE OF FEELINGS

10. Never put anyone on a pedestal cuz no one puts you in one

11. You never know what goes on in the other person's mind so don't assume things cuz you like them that way

12. Don't hesitate or stop yourself just cuz another person might judge you

13. Be yourself completely

14. Learn things from the people who are mean to you

15. Its good to be mean at times

16. Stop fearing about what might happen...take the risk.

17. LET GO OFF THE PAST. There is a reason it is the past. It was a time, an age, a frame of mind, and you were a different person when you were in it. If you were the same, it wouldn't be the past, it would be the present.

18. Its good to swear sometimes.

19. No one is close to God.

20. Never let people trample your self esteem

21. Its ok to have a few extra pounds.

22. Fight back and be persistant at solving a problem.

23. Never feel bad amongst people younger than you. They still have a few more years of immaturity left in them.

24. Push yourself to do things you don't feel like doing...be a ROBOT

25. CELEBRATE 25 years of life...

Welcome a new era, with a wide smile and fully armed confidence!!!!!

AND !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!^ the YEARS OF WASTED FEELINGS!!!!

Tracking a dot in the middle of the skies

Flight trackers are such a blessing I must say. Thousands of flights are flying all over the skies everyday from one direction to another, all of them being tracked or traced, monitored etc. Sometimes these tracking sites throw out results like "Flight over large water body, so untrackable"....feels so weird.

But when all of it feels personal is when your life is in one of those dots, flying miles away from you in reality, which you are looking at on your 13 inch screen thanks to satellite view and radars. I know the arrival time at the destination, before which I cannot get in touch with that part of me flying all the way across the continents, but I still want to keep on looking at that dot. Its a scary thought, knowing that one of those thousand carriers is carrying a major part of you far far away.

But I thank technology for this privilege. At least I know 'where' that dot is...

Sigh...one month passed...a beautiful intense month, where I finally met the person I was looking for. I feel like I finally did meet my reflection, and just hope for a lot more surprises in store. Today, I feel grateful towards God, for finding me worthy of experiencing such a wonderful feeling...

Love you so much and miss you like anything MTOE...

Mee,

BB

The City of Four Lakes

Wow, this is the fourth post in the last week or ten days. Am I on a roll or what !! I guess thats how it happens with me, a phase of very frequent writing, and then a really long break. Its ok I guess...its more natural this way :)

So what am I writing about today? Lots of things on my mind. Lots of floating thoughts, happy and heavy. The title of this post doesn't really describe the place, but the way I see this place as of today. Its so true that a place is defined by the people in it! Till a few months back, I was still stuck in the past, in the place I spent the last four years of my life in. It was the uncertainty of which lab to join, a new country, new people, and a new life altogether. I wasn't sure if it was the right decision, leaving behind a place I was so attached to. Mom used to say give it some time, you'll get attached to this place too. But I somehow couldn't move on. The Madison winter didn't help either. The bitter cold, nowhere to go except for lab and friends which didn't really feel like real friends. It was more like a group of unrelated different people who just stay together due to circumstances. And I thought, 5-6 years of PhD is a long time...I wanted it to go by quickly...

Today, the scenario is totally different. The past is a chapter now, with good and bad memories but cherished ones...having its own place in my life. But I have found a new place in my heart for Madison now. The summer here is beautiful, the lake is just breathtaking! Sitting by the lake with friends, quietly with your own thoughts, enjoying the live music, or with the webcam making use of technology :) My lab is my second home. I feel really at home here, with my supervisor being one of the best things that could have happened to me. I love working on my project, it motivates me to get to lab even if I am physically not feeling fine. In fact even a day without going to lab makes me feel a little depressed. The friends are more than just friends now...we are all a family. In sickness or fun, in a new purchase or a sudden planned trip, we all are equally enthusiastic about each other's lives. One of us recently bought a car. It doesn't seem like its his car...its 'our family car'. Yesterday we had a sleepover at someone's place. That house didn't belong to any of us, but we had great fun, playing pictionary, taking a short walk, or singing in the dark till 3 am in the morning. Sometimes certain barriers are just broken if you spend a few hours together away from your usual dwelling place. I felt closer to each one of them yesterday. I just felt like going and hugging each one of them and telling them how much they mean to me. In fact my roomie was the apple of my eye yesterday. I actually felt 'love' for her!!!! Hehe of course in a totally straight way :P I felt like hugging and kissing her just the way I feel for my kid sister. Its an inexplicable feeling. Most often in the everyday fast routine, people don't express much. But I realise that's what makes me happiest, expression of feelings, warmth, love :)

Another thing I strongly feel is that there is nothing like being totally yourself...totallyy yourself !!!! I feel like a certain liberation, that I am happy with myself. After a long time :) You know, I secretly appreciate the little things about Indian culture which are tagged as so 'bollywoodish', or 'old-fashioned', or 'uncool'. For instance, being a little cautious about what you wear, feeling shy about certain expressions of love, and just...I don't know, hard to put in words. Over the last couple of years, I was trying so hard to be someone I am not, to hide these aspects of mine, to please others, to just prove myself. I don't feel the need anymore. I feel content the way I am. One of my roomies actually gave me some inspiration on this front. She's very atypical, very unique and is very transparent and straight-forward. We all make fun of her most of the time, but I am sure all of us (and one particular person the most) admire her a lot for the way she is and the way she doesn't try to change herself. Till a certain time I used to feel its because of so many admirers around her, but slowly I realised its the other way round. She has so many admirers (including me) because she is the way she is from inside. Its such a beautiful feeling to just feel beautiful, no matter how you are, and not let the world decide what you do and how you do it. I don't have any regrets or doubts or any inhibitions anymore about the way I am...and I am going to live my life, my way :)

A bit of trivia -

1. I have two friends - one who curves her lips like a beak/'chonch' while speaking cute stuff, n one who curves his lips like a beak while drinking something!

2. I plan to name my first dog - Muffin :)

3. Today marks the inception of RAJMA (or R3AJMA). One step ahead from Vibgyor (Post - 27th Feb 2010)

4. I should get back to Cell free protein expression now!!!

I LOVE YOU BLOGGIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

And you too Madison :) Want these years to stretch...these would be MY years :)

My insides are screaming!

I really like this phrase. Its so descriptive. The beauty of the phrase lies in the double-meaning it holds. Perhaps the 2nd meaning would be understood only by women.

When you are frustrated with something so bad, there is something that's always itching, something always provoking you to do something. You have to control it. The more you control it, the more it itches. And then as it all accumulates, it finally comes out in one blow, when you think you have reached the 'screaming-inside' phase. The outcome of it is different for different people of course, some shout it out, some go into their shell and so on. That was the first meaning.

The second explanation of this phrase is more literal than figurative. A sensation which truly makes you feel that there is something inside you that is screaming - every cell in the body longing for more oxygen, every muscle in your body throbbing and pushing against your skin. It makes you experience the true meaning of 'wear and tear'. Imagine that a part of your body is rotting, one by one everything starts shedding - cells, tissues, and the multitude of other components comprising your body. Would you just sit and watch it happen? No, you would put some ointment, bandage it, prevent it, make sure you don't stress it, and let it heal. Now imagine the same thing inside out. That every cell and tissue is tearing off from inside your body. The pain is so much that it percolates from being localized to being global. Your whole body is just 'tearing apart' from the inside, and neither can you touch it, nor can you bandage it. You can just sit and bear it. This is what could more accurately be understood by the above phrase. You literally feel the scream from within, and cannot do anything about it. Well of course there are ways to subdue the 'massive internal erosion', but I personally consider them unnatural and disturbing to the ways to nature. Sometimes you just feel like hitting yourself, you try to help by externally applying pressure to soothe the inside, but its all temporary. All you can think of is a pair of hands that could just squeeze you all over to relieve you off the pain for a whole day. But then again, that's impractical, over-expecting, and all the other adjectives that collectively mean - can't be done. While sitting in a group meeting today, all I could think of was stretching out somewhere, tighten every muscle so that I cannot feel the screaming. But work doesn't stop. Its a part of life...the show has to go on...

Sigh...even as I write this, my insides are screaming and trying to bombard my mind with disillusioned states of fury, pain, discomfort and all the related. But I know, neither this post, nor anything else will make this day pass by faster. Its just something we have to live with, and try to look at the brighter side of it - the strength we gain by bearing this time and again...

Relationships

So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.

There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.

One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.

Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.

Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.

And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.

So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.

I'll be the change I want to see in people

BBMIMES...

Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...

I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)

Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.

The rest doesn't matter...

To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...

When an inner self dies...

Sometimes life takes a turn of events in such a way that you have no control over them. Sometimes you try to control the way the events turn in your life. There is a constant fight between the practical and the way of the heart. I want to forget and just move on. There is so much that I need to do, but its as if some part of my body, from deep inside has got all its cells black and clumped together, somewhere around the chest region. Im trying to breathe hard to lighten them, to release them from being stuck to each other this way. But I don't know if these cells are dead or dying. If they are already dead, will I be able to restore them? Or will they be replaced ever? I hope they haven't given up yet...and are just waiting for the optimum splurge of life that would swell them up again with vigour, excitement, hope and beauty!

VIBGYOR...

7 colours...distinct, yet beautiful together. This is how I feel at the moment. We just celebrated a friend's birthday...and got high on ice cream, dancing, drinks, friendship, emotions, songs and basically all colours of life. Its 3 am, but I feel really content, and at peace.

I saw, or rather discovered some new aspects of some of my friends, which brought a smile on my face. In this fast paced world, it was nice to see some intense friendship and emotions, even if it was the alcohol that spilt it out. I saw one of my friends sing with the most genuine and truest passion ever...I found out that he has an amazing voice. I also discovered that he is a very intense friend...just never expresses. I saw him console another friend in a very caring manner...something I didnt think he would do. I saw another friend cry his heart out...with the freedom of a little child...something which no one shows these days. We laughed, we danced, we sang, we just basically had a great time.

Its amazing to see a group of strangers evolve into close friends. I will miss C when she leaves soon so much, shes suchh a sweet and cheerful and considerate and selfless person. I never really thought of this but I will miss her. I am really happy to see JKG and Rshit...:) very cute couple...:) Another little thing keeps shut most of the time in her room with D(square)...but has the most amazing smile when shes in the spirits...and of course the 2 others I spoke about before. We are all different flavours...when put together in the right amount creating a satisfying dish....that of friendship and happy moments. I danced my heart out today...after a longgg time...and spent some memorable moments. I will remember this day...27th Feb 2010

:) VIBGYOR...thats how I would define the seven of us :)

Im back...

Wow...5 months. Its been so long I blogged. But then things became hectic. The semester was just crazy, and then the India trip and everything. Now its back to where I am, studying, working...and just living life I guess.

I have been hurt a lot in the past few days. Why does this happen? Is it my fault? Maybe it really is. I go out of the way so much to do things for people that I end up expecting in return. And no one is able to meet that expectation. I dont think I expect too much, but I guess thats because thats nothing for me. Its an effort for others. I really really go too much out of the way for people. I mean why do I do that? Cuz it comes naturally to me. Why does it at all come naturally to me?

I am really not happy about this aspect of mine. I take too much tension, and I do too much for people and think too much about things. I care too much. I really want to be able to just not be so attached. How can I do that without being bitter at heart? I had dedicated a song to someone which had a line saying, "dont let some hell bent heart leave you bitter"...but the same is happening to me. Its not one hell bent heart. Its just me being so different from most people. Cuz I make myself prone to being hurt. I really want a solution for this. Someone who can teach me how to love without expecting...who can?

Really, I want to just do that. I want to not expect anything. Can anyone help me please?

NO MORE SURPRISES !

I become the bad one here. This has not happened once, but twice now. First it was a friend, and now my own family! If I am organizing a surprise for someone, just to make the person feel good, then I am too kiddish, i am immature! And if the surprise leaks out, let alone getting angry, i cnt even ask who said it out or how it came out. If I ask I get scolded back like I am committing some crime and I am stupid n childish and extra sensitive and all that...I mean I cant even ask!

I am jus tired of getting to hear accuses...about how I am. To hell with trying to make people feel good. No one realises the worth of it...why am I a fool to keep thinking of how to make someone smile then? Be it family or others now...

I wont do it then...if this is such a 'childish' trait of mine, then today I leave it behind me...just...no more surprises...for anyone...

some wounds are just so deep, they keep getting moist very easily. The last time my friend had actually tagged me as unnecessarily causing tension just because i was upset that a surprise got leaked out...when i was told not to organise surprises if it means getting all upset if it doesnt work out. I mean I am not even doing anything for myself. Its for someone else, and when I am putting my 100 percent to it, just to see the look of excitement on the other person, if somehow the thing gets out, I cant even get upset? Then Im told, there is no need for this! What the hell people, a reaction about something which you are so involved in, can I not even get the license to do that without being accused and tagged?

I thought I had forgotten it. But today when something similar was said to me, my frustration increased manifold because of this past wound. Thats what multiplied my agony. Horrible...I mean...I don't know what to say...after all if I say something, then I become a 'baby'...

Friends forever...

I spoke to a friend after a long time today..someone who at one point of time was very close to me, who was my best friend. but then times changed and we lost touch. now when i spoke to that person after a long time, i was the same, i tried being with that friend the same way I used to, because no one can replace another friend, n this was the most special of all. But then upon pressing on askin to tell me something, I was told that the past has been wiped off and now I am a stranger to that person...that we cant be best friends in one day, we dont know each other...

Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...

No I am not wrong...

Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...

my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...

lots of love, urs, bambi...

To be or not to be everybody...

I want to get a haircut. I want to go and join dance classes. I want to be a little crazy. I want to laugh and smile all the time. I just want to be free. Free from being tied to a negative feeling.

Its been so long that I gave any time to myself. Its been so long. I feel like I have neglected myself so much that its made me liable to being hurt and insulted by almost anyone. Its so important to love yourself more than anyone else so that you can stand by what you feel is right, stand by yourself. Many people I know can do it so well. I wonder why I cant. Everyone says that 'this is what I think, I cant help it if you think otherwise'. Why cant I be firm on that as well?? For me, it always boils down to what the other person might have felt or been thinking. Ultimately I give importance to that...

I guess I havent mentioned clearly here. But my last few years were spent in Singapore. I was studying there for 2 years and then worked for 2 years. I had a very intense learning experience. In all aspects. Met various people and learnt so much about how different people can be. Ive realised one thing, how important it is to not lose yourself when you are amidst people who are not like you. Its very easy to fall into the trap of doubting yourself and considering yourself as the faulty one when the bottomline is just that you are different. And I became a victim of that trap. I fell straight into it, and ever since have been struggling to pull myself out of it. Even if I am very close to freeing myself, just one particular turn entangles me again into the trap with such intensity that all the efforts of trying to come out of it go waste.

I think I have invested everything in the past few years to just relationships, be it any form of relationship. And what happens is that if I take a step back, and I see the other person feeling even slightly bad about it, I just give up what I was standing for and channalize all my efforts to just placate that person. And then at the end of all this, I expose myself to being hit hard.

What is love? Love is what you feel for someone, be it anyone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends or your significant other. It is such a strong feeling that it engulfs you, it makes you do everything you never imagined, makes you forget yourself and just do things for the one you love. But after all, no one is a saint. You try to be the best person possible, try to control all your senses and just do things for the people you love...but after all you are human too. Even you have your ups and downs, there are days when you just want to be loved for who you are and not be controlled and guarded. It is this time when you need someone to tell you that you are loved, that you are a good person, that you are beautiful the way you are, that you are understood. Is not being able to be guarded all the time a bad thing? If one is unable to be the best person for one out of six days, does it completely undo the efforts the person made for the rest five days? And then you are quoted as not talking sense, stupid and trying to justify what is not right. You feel blamed for something which you dont feel wrong, but the other person constantly and firmly says, 'this is what i think..and even if you think otherwise, you are wrong in justifying yourself...'

Love is perhaps the most beautiful feeling in this world...it helps you become a better person. But at the cost of laying your heart in the hands of someone else...I know I have certain qualities which make me stand aside from many others, I know I have learnt to be able to do certain things which my parents have taught me and which I am glad to have...but when I need to reassure myself of the fact that I am not wrong, I am unable to do that and just get a finger pointed at about how I am immature...

A song which I truly believe in is this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ONo4RiIaE and I belong to the same category...is it such a crime?

Welcome to where I am...?

Yeah so Im back...back to my abode, my home, my everything. Or so I thought...?

I left the place I stayed in for the past 4 years. It was odd saying goodbye to my friends at the airport...i was crying, i just couldnt stop. It was like leaving behind a huge part of me. I was gifted a collage made by my dearest friends in the form of a tshirt, a frame and a mug. I was thrilled! My very own collage, for the first time ever! It has sooo many pics in it..I really was super thrilled...and then they asked me to wear the tshirt. thats what i wore and travelled. I was crying in the flight too. So much happened in these past 4 years, I have really grown up in every way. I was reflecting back on all the things that have happened, the amount I have gone through and at the end of it I can really proudly say that I have come out strong. Today I am a much better person than I was 4 years back...

The last few days there were super hectic, but they were nice. I spent quality time with the dearest of friends, packing, going to places I loved, making videos, parting gifts, getting surprise farewell parties and taking them out for dinner. I am sad about coming back, but then there were things to look forward to...

Like? Visa getting done, going to meet my grandparents, learning how to drive. Now I am here at home, but my family is away and will be back only after a week. I have my friends with me, but everyone has a life of their own, and more so a car of their own! This is what has hit me the most...the immobility. As it is I cant walk much, and on top of that I dont have a way to commute. Public transport is horrible, especially with an injured foot. I travelled in a bus today, just to avoid the autorickshaw cuz of my past accident, but it was bad. The crowd as well as the safety issue. The driver almost started the bus while I was getting down. I jumped down on my feet. Man, it was painful :(

Then the hassles started. I had to spend a whole day at the Customs office at the airport today, clearing 2 boxes I had sent through DHL. They were just old clothes and books, not even dutiable, and the DHL guys had told me that it would be delivered at my doorstep. Nothing of that sort happened. I saw the bureaucracy and corruption live today, something that till date I had just heard my dad talking about or seen on the TV. I had thought I am going to come back and pen down the proceedings of the whole experience, but somehow I dont feel like, cuz its just me who is seeing it for the first time. I bet there are millions who have to face this everyday. I'll be over-rating it if I write I guess...

Had an extremely tiring day, and came back home to realize that my visa forms have been deleted online as 7 days have passed and I havent confirmed an appointment date yet. I mean is it my mistake if the dates aren't available? Why do they have to delete the forms??!!!! They can stay on the web right. And the consulate has not been releasing dates since forever now! I am really frustrated about this.

As much as I used to miss the chaos and the disorganized state of affairs when I wasnt here, now when I am back, I think I have come out of the habit of dealing with these things. Life is weird, I am back in the place I have grown up in, and somehow this place seems alien to me now. I feel I dont belong here. My friends here talk about things I am not aware of anymore. Everyone seems grown up, talking about jobs, marriage, and what not. For me, who left this place 4 years back and has come back to it now after finishing four years, its a drastic change. I feel a little lost. I am trying to keep myself busy, do things, look forward to what lies ahead, but...its a strange feeling to feel alienated at home...hehe even at the shopping centre, they dont give plastic bags anymore! Im supposed to carry my own bag...I didnt know that until I bought the stuff, and then you can imagine what must have happened! Well apart from that I must say I did enjoy the reminiscent and nostalgic walk back from the shopping complex to home. Ive grown up there, literally, in every part of that road...

But on the whole, its more like being neither here nor there now. I am really looking forward to my next destination. I somehow dont fit in here anymore...:(

I know the title of my post suggests otherwise, but in spite of trying to be optimistic and happy, some part of me is left behind somewhere in the middle of this place and that place. I hope I am able to pull myself together soon...

I think, I miss my family...

As of now, Chocos is with me to comfort me. I hope tomorrow is a new day with better things happening...

Love you bloggie...

What exactly is a tag?

Once a friend said she had written a post on facebook and told me she had tagged me. The illiterate me looked for my name in it...again and again! I had even got a notification saying she had tagged me in that post, so where was it? Much later only did I learn that it means you are supposed to answer the questions your friend has answered in that post. Being tagged means basically being hand-cuffed and cornered, it means your friend has picked you as one amongst the chosen ones to go through this harrowing experience!!!

Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P

1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?

I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?

Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)

4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?

I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.

6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

As of now, I know all of them.

7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?

Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)

8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?

I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.

9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?

I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.

10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?

I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.

11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????

12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.

13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?

Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...

I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(

14) Five bloggers to be the next "victims"?

One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...

Here's the second one...

3 Smells I love:

1. Smell of wet earth

2. My mom's chicken curry

3. Mangoes!!

3 Smells I hate:

This one is easy :D

1. Smell of dirty toilets

2. Bad breath

3. Rotten food

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:

1. Research Assistant in a lab

2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress

3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:

1. All the Harry Potter Movies

2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)

3. Saathiya

There are many more :)

3 Fond memories:

1. My 24th birthday surprise

2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to

3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.

3 Jobs I would love to have:

1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.

2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners

3. A career counsellor in a university

3 Things I like to do:

1. Dance

2. Spend time with my loved ones

3. Blog

3 Of my favorite foods:

1. JUNK FOOD!!!

2. Paneer dishes

3. Lady's finger preparations

3 Places I would like to be right now:

1. Next to my grandparents

2. In my ex-college with my friends

3. A dance school

3 Things that make me cry:

1. A fight with a loved one

2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express

3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly

This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...