I'll be the change I want to see in people

BBMIMES...

Want to figure out what that is? I would leave to you, my dear readers :) Interpret it your way and let me know what you think it could mean. If you can't, dont worry about it. I hope to reveal it someday...

I feel different today, different than what I have been feeling since years about certain aspects of life. I want to be the white screen, devoid of all the other things life has taught me. I just want to be me, with a smile :)

Love me for who I am, hate me for who I am, curse me for who I am, praise me for who I am. Ultimately the bottomline is, I am me...and that is the biggest truth of existance. It holds for everybody. So lets take our masks off, lets take our pretence off and look at each other. What do we see? We see a white screen, a baby, a child, that just needs love, and nothing else.

The rest doesn't matter...

To begin with, I will apply this change towards my labmate, whom I had mentioned in my previous post...and I am sure I will someday see the reflection of my pursuit...

Friends forever...

I spoke to a friend after a long time today..someone who at one point of time was very close to me, who was my best friend. but then times changed and we lost touch. now when i spoke to that person after a long time, i was the same, i tried being with that friend the same way I used to, because no one can replace another friend, n this was the most special of all. But then upon pressing on askin to tell me something, I was told that the past has been wiped off and now I am a stranger to that person...that we cant be best friends in one day, we dont know each other...

Am I wrong in holding on to this friendship, one that changed my life? Why am I holding on to the fact that a friend remains a friend forever...

No I am not wrong...

Today being an eventful day, something else major happened...a relationship was defined. But then I told myself...a friend once remains a friend forever. That is the most special relationship between 2 people. And even if others deny this fact, I will stand by it. No matter what else happens...a friend once remains a friend forever...

my dearest bestest friend...as we go on, we remember all the times we had together...and as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever...

lots of love, urs, bambi...

To be or not to be everybody...

I want to get a haircut. I want to go and join dance classes. I want to be a little crazy. I want to laugh and smile all the time. I just want to be free. Free from being tied to a negative feeling.

Its been so long that I gave any time to myself. Its been so long. I feel like I have neglected myself so much that its made me liable to being hurt and insulted by almost anyone. Its so important to love yourself more than anyone else so that you can stand by what you feel is right, stand by yourself. Many people I know can do it so well. I wonder why I cant. Everyone says that 'this is what I think, I cant help it if you think otherwise'. Why cant I be firm on that as well?? For me, it always boils down to what the other person might have felt or been thinking. Ultimately I give importance to that...

I guess I havent mentioned clearly here. But my last few years were spent in Singapore. I was studying there for 2 years and then worked for 2 years. I had a very intense learning experience. In all aspects. Met various people and learnt so much about how different people can be. Ive realised one thing, how important it is to not lose yourself when you are amidst people who are not like you. Its very easy to fall into the trap of doubting yourself and considering yourself as the faulty one when the bottomline is just that you are different. And I became a victim of that trap. I fell straight into it, and ever since have been struggling to pull myself out of it. Even if I am very close to freeing myself, just one particular turn entangles me again into the trap with such intensity that all the efforts of trying to come out of it go waste.

I think I have invested everything in the past few years to just relationships, be it any form of relationship. And what happens is that if I take a step back, and I see the other person feeling even slightly bad about it, I just give up what I was standing for and channalize all my efforts to just placate that person. And then at the end of all this, I expose myself to being hit hard.

What is love? Love is what you feel for someone, be it anyone. Your parents, your siblings, your friends or your significant other. It is such a strong feeling that it engulfs you, it makes you do everything you never imagined, makes you forget yourself and just do things for the one you love. But after all, no one is a saint. You try to be the best person possible, try to control all your senses and just do things for the people you love...but after all you are human too. Even you have your ups and downs, there are days when you just want to be loved for who you are and not be controlled and guarded. It is this time when you need someone to tell you that you are loved, that you are a good person, that you are beautiful the way you are, that you are understood. Is not being able to be guarded all the time a bad thing? If one is unable to be the best person for one out of six days, does it completely undo the efforts the person made for the rest five days? And then you are quoted as not talking sense, stupid and trying to justify what is not right. You feel blamed for something which you dont feel wrong, but the other person constantly and firmly says, 'this is what i think..and even if you think otherwise, you are wrong in justifying yourself...'

Love is perhaps the most beautiful feeling in this world...it helps you become a better person. But at the cost of laying your heart in the hands of someone else...I know I have certain qualities which make me stand aside from many others, I know I have learnt to be able to do certain things which my parents have taught me and which I am glad to have...but when I need to reassure myself of the fact that I am not wrong, I am unable to do that and just get a finger pointed at about how I am immature...

A song which I truly believe in is this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ONo4RiIaE and I belong to the same category...is it such a crime?

What exactly is a tag?

Once a friend said she had written a post on facebook and told me she had tagged me. The illiterate me looked for my name in it...again and again! I had even got a notification saying she had tagged me in that post, so where was it? Much later only did I learn that it means you are supposed to answer the questions your friend has answered in that post. Being tagged means basically being hand-cuffed and cornered, it means your friend has picked you as one amongst the chosen ones to go through this harrowing experience!!!

Hehe ok enough of the exxageration. Macho Girl tagged me for two posts, and here I attempt to to justice to her :P

1)Are you happy/satisfied with your blog with it's content and look?

I just started blogging a while back, so look-wise, I'd say Im still at it. Its nice now, but it can be made more interesting m sure of that! Content wise, oh yes! Like I've mentioned, its my mind in its birthday suit. This is the only place I can truly be myself, and I love it :)

2) Does your family know about your blog?

Not yet. I know for one thing I would be filtering many things if they read it. Not because I want to hide something from them, but just that some aspects of mine I'd rather keep to myself. They'll certainly know sometime :) And I plan on initiating my kid sister to it soon!

3) Do you feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or you just consider it as a private thing?

Not embarassed, but some of my friends just can't help passing comments uncalled for. My blog is not to publicly announce my opinions and perspectives or convey any message to anyone. It is just a mirror where in I can look at myself and express my feelings. It certainly is a private thing, and hence is anonymous :)

4) Did blogs cause positive changes in your thoughts?

Too early to say that. Like I said, Ive just started. So far so good, Im enjoying it.

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?

I usually just look at people who are in my blog list, but at times I have just skimmed through some others. Don't do that much though.

6) Did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?

As of now, I know all of them.

7) Admit. Do you think there is a real benefit for blogging?

Oh certainly!! For one thing, its a place where one can be yourself, not to mention you come to know many people who think alike or think differently, and get acquainted with different interesting styles of writing. Like I've mentioned, references for competiton and inspiration ;)

8) Do you think that bloggers society is isolated from real world or interacts with events?

I think bloggers pretty much reflect the real world. There are many things unspoken in life. Putting them into words and sentences defines our very existance. Without writers, authors, books and in present day world bloggers, there wouldn't be any definition of anything.

9) Does criticism annoy you or do you feel it's a normal thing?

I am open to crtiticism. About the way I write, my usage of language and my way of expression. But not to the content of my posts. That I feel I have a right to decide without any unwanted comments.

10) Do you fear of some political blogs and avoid them?

I have never really enjoyed or followed politics. Not my cup of tea at all.

11) Did you get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?

I have no idea such a thing happened! When what where????

12) Did you think about what will happen to your blog after you die?

I have thought of that alright :) I want it to be converted into a hard-copy book. For my children and grandchildren. I would love to know how my parents and grandparents thought as they grew, throughout their life. I can't really get that now, but I am sure mine would love to know me too. It would be a gift for them.

13) What do you like to hear? What's the song you like to put its link in your blog?

Welcome to wherever you are, this is your life, you've made it this far Welcome, you gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be...

I like inspirational songs. They really motivate me. Apart from that, anything with any lyrics that can make me dance. Im a dance freak!! Just waiting for my ankle to heal :(

14) Five bloggers to be the next "victims"?

One is Mesirine for sure! Rest, hmm lets see...

Here's the second one...

3 Smells I love:

1. Smell of wet earth

2. My mom's chicken curry

3. Mangoes!!

3 Smells I hate:

This one is easy :D

1. Smell of dirty toilets

2. Bad breath

3. Rotten food

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:

1. Research Assistant in a lab

2. Chairperson of a Graduate Congress

3. Co-convenor of a Dance Society

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:

1. All the Harry Potter Movies

2. Fashion (by Madhur Bhandarkar)

3. Saathiya

There are many more :)

3 Fond memories:

1. My 24th birthday surprise

2. The moment I knew I was admitted into a university I really wanted to get in to

3. When I surprised my three best friends by barging into their house after 10 months of being abroad. No one knew I was in town, and I barged into their houses, one by one. I can never forget their reactions. Something similar was when I surprised my parents by landing there on their 25th wedding anniversary. The looks on their faces is something that never fails to bring a smile on my face.

3 Jobs I would love to have:

1. A dance instructor in a professional troupe of my own.

2. A life-sciences teacher for beginners

3. A career counsellor in a university

3 Things I like to do:

1. Dance

2. Spend time with my loved ones

3. Blog

3 Of my favorite foods:

1. JUNK FOOD!!!

2. Paneer dishes

3. Lady's finger preparations

3 Places I would like to be right now:

1. Next to my grandparents

2. In my ex-college with my friends

3. A dance school

3 Things that make me cry:

1. A fight with a loved one

2. Frustration and anger that I cannot express

3. When I miss something/someone I love dearly

This felt good :) Its like a recap of who you are...thanks MG for tagging me on this. Now its my turn to pay it forward...

A very special computer...

Right now I am at my workplace. Have set up some work to do and am waiting for the incubation time. I actually feel like going back home, and sitting alone in front of my comp where I can pen down my thoughts in peace without any distraction. But since I can't do that now, I thought I'll use a make-shift computer, the one at my workplace. Ok let me clear out the space on my desk so I can make it look like my home-desk....just a min :)

........................................................................................


Amm...sorry that took like 10 minutes...and it still doesnt give me that feeling :( But nevermind, I'll try to get into a bubble and use this comp now...

So you guys (whoever does read this post) must be wondering what I am talking about. There was a friend of mine, SNK, a couple of years back. She still is a friend but we don't meet that often nowadays. Anyway, I met her at a time when she was in her 2nd year of PhD, and was just slowly getting accustomed to the many gadgets evolving in the markets around the world. Finally after much research and thought, she bought a mac, I think Powerbook. It was a beauty. And the way she maintained it was amazing. She used all the accessories possible, and customized her screen with various stick-ons. Her screensaver was a slideshow of her photographs, in the mac way, having 3D boxing in and out effects and what not, with an audio file of 'roobarooo' playing in the background. That was the first time I had seen a computer like that, which was just beautiful. For a non-materialistic person like me, calling a computer beautiful means something. The relationship SNK had with her comp was special, she literally made it her best friend, her child, her pet, her companion...

Now why am I writing a post about a 'special computer', that too my friend's computer, a friend who is not too close, and above everything else, something that happened 2 years ago and may not even be the same anymore? The reason for this is that I didn't know at that time, that a name I heard so randomly would become such an integral part of my life 2 years later. A name that I had known while transferring something via bluetooth, the name my friend gave to her computer. To a non-malayali, this sounded like the name of a baby elephant then :| . Maybe cuz as a kid I had seen a movie with an elephant with a similar name. But that was it, it was just a fleeting thought and I forgot about it. Or so I thought...

Two years later, that is now, a few months back...I met this person, who shared things with me on numerous occasions. It started out with formality, then practical help, then a little bit of fun, and then finally reached the level of a mashed potato containing bits of fun, frolic, great times, useless moments and a huge coating of emotional support. Amidst all this, at a time without realizing it, I named this friend after that beautiful comp. Why I named her that, I wasn't quite sure at that time, probably just because I was trying hard to find a 'funny' nick for her. But now when I think about it I realise that I associate her with all the relationships SNK had associated her comp with...companion, kid, pet, and even though it might be too early to say this, one of my best friends :) A name that was so randomly heard and buried at the corner of my memory came out at the apt time, suited for the right person...

Seven years back, there was a time when I was in the lowest of lows, with no one to confide my sorrows in, no one whom i could call a true friend. That time someone had come into my life like an angel, and lifted me up like a feather, showing me the brighter parts of the world, the more colourful aspects of life, and brought out my true personality. Lots of things happened since then, and the past 2 years somehow became a near-repeat telecast of what happened before I met this angel, where in I can say I pretty much lost myself in the midst of all the events happening. I missed this angel of mine a lot, someone who isn't there in my life anymore. Never had I thought that God would send me another one...another person who would be able to see me for what I am, appreciate me for my nature, and love me because of my emotional nature...something that I had started to think was my biggest drawback. She was with me when I needed someone ...when I was alone, when I was bored, when I just needed to be quiet, or when I needed fun, she was always there. I had thought that I have lost the capability to express myself. She pulled me out of that shell and made me feel that she genuinely cares about me, my feelings, my thoughts and my emotions. Without me having to ask for anything, she would just write smses, emails or anything to make my day, make me feel that I am special just the way I am. I used to think that only a partner can make someone feel this way...but she made me realize that it just takes a person with equal understanding of emotions and feelings to make another person feel so secure and loved and cared for and confident, no matter what the relationship is. She made me realize how my friends would have felt when I did something for them. I had thought that I will never be able to get the same importance from my friends as I give them, but I was mistaken. I had my best birthday ever this year...and even though I can't thank everyone who were a part of it enough, I knew that my expectations were more than matched for the very first time...because of her.

Today, when I think of leaving this place with a heavy heart, I can say with utmost confidence, that the strength required to do this without sinking into depression has been given to me by her, who I know would be with me in this transition, and remind me of who I am, what I love, what I am capable of, and what I mean to this world. Whatever I write in this post cannot truly describe the gratitude I have in my heart to God for giving me an angel again...to guide me out of my blue phase. I guess I can just say that I bumped into a bumper offer when God decided to display a computer sale... :) :) :)

Overdose of emotions

I don't know what to do. I am leaving a place where I spent the last couple of years away from home, cribbing about it every now and then. But, it did become my life. Everything about it, the people, the places, the conveniences and what not. I try to tell myself, change is good, and I really am wanting that change, but I just can't stop feeling sad or overwhelmed about the fact that I am leaving in a month's time. Everyday I just think of how it would be when I don't have this aspect of my life here anymore and it tears me apart. Seriously, just don't know what to do...

A fallen stack of cards

Someone once gave me this thing called a blue day book. It has pictures of all sorts of animals, pouting, showing puppy-eyes, snuggled in and what not. Its supposed to cheer you up when you are blue. But somehow it doesn't really help when you actually need it. Today, or rather yesterday was one such day.

I got a piece of news yesterday, that something I was really looking forward to above many things will not happen anymore. I had planned out so many things based on that, and its not planning of fun events (which keep falling out which is no big deal), but some time to spend with someone who matters a lot and whom I wont be meeting again for a long time once I take off from here. And its not just that. My stupid ankle prevents me from reaching out and doing things for this person, going to my favourite spots here, and basically having my last few moments of my time here after all these years. I had thought that when I make the trip again, for a week, when my injury would have healed, I will do all the things I had wanted to do, with my favourite person. But now, thats not happening. Really, when I heard this yesterday, it felt like a huge stack of cards, which I was building carefully at every stage in the past couple of years, suddenly came crashing down. I wonder if anyone really understands all the feelings that I went through. Well obviously no one will understand completely but I had hoped that at least this one person does.

I was in a sort of an uncontrollable state of mind yesterday, where you want to just scream out whatever is bothering you, even if that is a compilation of all the botherings for the past 2 years. And I did that, well not scream, but say it out to this one person. I knew while saying it that its just a matter of time that this would backfire (even though I felt I have a right to do this with my closest being without being careful ), and it did. It backfired like bad. Why do I have to end up feeling like the bad person here? Everything I do or say becomes like the wrong thing to have done. The world is full of practical people and their reasons, but does one ever think that the practicalities of the outside world can be tackled with much more ease if you can be totally yourself with somebody. Isn't it just reasonable to ask for this one person with whom you need not be practical? It was a blow on me yesterday, whatever happened, and yet I have to push it aside and be practical. Cuz if I am not, then I am the weak one, the one who needs to realise that 'no can help you, you alone can help yourself', Im the one who is a fool for thinking so deeply about one thing. If there is one thing that I can wish for at the moment, it is this, that please make me so merciless and practical and emotionless that the people who preach practicality look like emotional wrecks in front of me.

Yes I know whatever happens is for the best but you can't keep smiling at everything saying this is for the best so lets not be upset. I hate the way things are today, and I just hate everything right now. I know that everything is relative but what the heck this is one of the days when I feel everything is pointless, useless, over...just like a fallen stack of cards...