Relationships

So much to it. There are complications, there are simplicities, there are joys, there are heartbreaks, there is love, there are misunderstandings...but collectively, each one is such a rich experience. And it is unique with every different person. I don't like the term boyfriend/girfriend/best friend/good friend etc. To me they are all relationships. Different relationships with every different life form, be it a fellow human being, a fish, a plant, or even oneself. Well of course the more complex the life form, the more are the number of colours in the sack of balls, each day throwing out a different colour. For instance neither can I have a misunderstanding with my fish, nor can my plant break my heart by itself ! But with the human its a different story all together...or rather different stories altogether.

There are four different people that I can think of right now who in this phase of my life are throwing out the maximum number of coloured balls to me.

One is this person I know for the last 3.5 years now and who means a lot to me. Things are new and different, they are pleasantly surprising, but they make me wonder how much to believe in their permanence (if thats a word). Something makes me feel that the moment I sit back, relax and start totally relishing the new brighter colours, they'll fade back or get replaced by older colours.

Then there is this other person with whom I had a kind of a fall back of late. We were going really strong for the last one year, and one unexpected incident changed things. The colours were varied and frequently brightening my day each day for the past year but of late have suddenly turned grey. I know I could make the change myself as its me who is a little set back right now. This person has been trying to really put the colours back but I guess its just me who is not accepting them. Maybe I need time.

Third there is another person who has become very close recently. Now I am even scared to say that, again because I somehow have lost faith in defining closeness. Everything is so temporary. But growing up has somewhat taught me to even accept that happily and enjoy the present as long as it sustains without thinking of the future. Oh and I love talking, which is something I can't do equally with everyone. So its very comforting to be able to just talk so freely with this person.

And then finally there is this person who I haven't regularly been in touch with, more off and on. There are good and bad memories attached to this person. I chose to just remember the good ones. But a recent conversation brought all the hurtful memories back...the neutral colours changed to dark fiery ones. It made me cry and feel that same stinging sensation again, which I had put behind me.

So yes, its been eventful, and guess I am thankful to whoever is planning these events in my life. There is so much to relationships, there is so much to just expressing yourself...there is so much that one can do. I love being totally myself...and im sure everyone does. But you cant do that all the time with everyone. Most of the times there is this mask we have to wear...and then once in a while that mask gets uncovered, releasing beneath it either a beautiful face or a worn out ugly side. Yes I think this is what I am most passionate about in life, the relationships that make up my life, without which, I don't know what I would do. :) Its cool to be all 'independent'...but I guess I am ok with admitting that I am not cool. I need these relationships to survive, they define me. And I am not going to let anything or anyone stop me from expressing to and living my relationships to the fullest.

Lakefront at Langdon

Finally doing it. I have been waiting for this day for a long time now, n finally its here. Sitting by the lake, with terrace pizza and a soda, a roomie as a friend, and my laptop...I am experiencing what is understated as bliss... Nothing like sitting here and staring into infinity and beyond...gathering all the past thoughts...drowning the negatives into the lake and using the setting sun's rays to encourage myself on various aspects of life...

A lot is on my mind. I am not particularly sure about what I want from life...but...I am not stressed...Im not upset. I am in fact living it, n lovin' the uncertainity. For the first time after a long long time, maybe years...I feel like I am being totally myself without any fear of being judged. And...being me is fun :)

Water can have such a calming effect on the mind...it makes me think of each and every element involved in water. Basically its just Hydrogen n Oxygen...but a perfect combination of the two which provides for one of the most abundant and basic necessities of life. Why am i saying this? I don't know...I just feel like it...n the best part is I am not hesitating thinking that someone reading this post would be judging me, would be questioning the relevance of this post etc. A friend recently just spoke a few wise words which caught me, and I quote, "sabsa bada roge, kya kahenge loge"...which literally translates to - the biggest disease is the fear of being judged by people. Its amazing how the mind picks up the facts it needs the most at the right time...makes one feel there really is someone monitoring the way your life proceeds.

One of the most important facets of my life has been a little shaky of late. But, thats not important anymore. Whats important is that I am calm about it...and again, after a long time, my faith has formed its grip over me. I just feel like being a spectator now, and witnessing the way life unfolds with a completely unbiased tilt.

And the music behind is getting me grooving...its so cooooooolllll...sitting here! The sunlight kissing one cheek of mine, the wind blowing my hair from the other direction, the water giving the calming effect, the sound of music, and the vast space ahead of me. Its like the elements of nature, all dancing to the tune of Vanessa Mae and A.R. Rehman in Raaga dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrdvg6oqmWM)

...a creation I am yet to translate very soon from my mind into depiction of an expression of Unity in Diversity.